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Guest Vapourware

Lately, I've been wondering if my depression is back.

Well, I really don't want it back. I don't even see a reason why it should return given that there's not much in life to complain about at the moment, but...eh. I lost my train of thought. Suffice to say, I don't see anything of note that would trigger its return.

See, one thing that bothers me at present is my lack of articulation. This extends to all forms of communication. Talking to people is a pain and I feel like I have to force the words out of my mouth. I can't seem to muster the energy to communicate with people. There's times on this board where I want to respond to someone but I just end up freezing and deleting my response. Now I'm writing this and I want to press the "back" button on my browser but I'll push on.

I just don't want to talk to people right now. I want to shut the door to the world and stay in my room all day, every day. I know it's counterproductive if I isolate myself though, so I continue to do the usual things I've been doing. I turn up to band practice, I go to live music gigs, I join friends at dinner somewhere. On one level I appreciate the company, but on another level, I don't want to be there.

I also don't like this loss of motivation. I don't want to do anything, anymore. I feel constantly exhausted and it's this deep-set, bone-aching weariness where I feel like I can't get going. It's like an entity is sucking my energy and I really don't like the feeling of being constantly drained.

I'd like to enjoy life again because at the moment everything feels like a chore. I try to keep active, I'm trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle and I'm trying to change my thinking processes but it feels like a losing battle.

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Sounds classically familiar to me.

Have you talked to your GP about this?

All the things you've mentioned can be signs of depression. I'd suggest even though talking is a pain, it's probably best to try and mention what you've said above (maybe even print it and take it with you if talking is a real pain) to your doc.

Best to get things checked out now and knock it over the head early rather than spiraling into depression again... yknow?

That said, don't give in. It sounds like you are doing all the right things to hang in there. It could be something other than depression too. Other health related issues or maybe some other event or change in your life recently?

Either way it's worth mentioning to your GP. Good luck and keep us posted. ;)

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Depression doesn't need a reason to come knocking, in my experience. It just turns up, uninvited and usually unannounced, saps all your enthusiasm, energy, and hope. Screws with your thought processes, your memory, your sense of self. And leaves the loo seat up. ;)

If you can't stop it in it's tracks by seeing a pdoc/tdoc, meds, lifestyle changes, then the best we can do is to be as prepared as possible. For me, that means -

  • Enlist the support of friends/family, let them know what's going on for you.
  • Journalling/blogging, to see triggers/trends
  • Write down how you feel and what you're thinking whenever you get a good day, and re-read it whenever you're struggling (helps you to remember that you have been, and can be again, stable)
  • Make arrangements to fall back on if it gets really bad, like looking at cutting work/college hours, sickness benefits, look into local support groups or mentoring services
  • Post here whenever you feel the need!

Can't think of any more off the top of my head, but I'm sure others will add to it.

EVERYTHING you've said I can identify with. The apathy, wordlessness, the need to hide away... well, like I said, all of it, and it all sucks. But look at it this way - each time it comes knocking, we are more prepared, more able to deal with it, so we can kick it's ass outta here quicker than we could before.

I really hope you can hold on rather than fall back this time.

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The "oh dear, I think it's back" feeling really sucks. But it does sound like you're self aware enough to realize the significance of what you're posting...that symptoms seem to be re-emerging. Hopefully you're able to get appointments set up soon so that it doesn't get worse--that's one of the most inspiring things I heard when mine came back...if you treat it early enough, subsequent episodes can be shorter than the first one(s).

take care of yourself....sorry to hear that it has returned/is returning, but good for you for recognizing it and hopefully getting ready to fight it.

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Guest Vapourware

Wow, thanks a lot for the awesome replies ;)

Another problem I have is actually seeing someone about my depression. I made an appointment with a counselor last month but didn't go because I felt so anxious about it. However I do need to see a doctor for a separate issue (I fractured my hand last year and it's still causing me pain and my ulnar nerve entrapment is back) so maybe I will bring up how I'm feeling as well.

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I hear you about the appt anxiety, but think about it this way - right now, you're anxious about the future, your symptoms, your mental health. That is unlikely to change in the near future without talking to someone about it. However anxious you might get about attending an appt about your depression, at least it will be over and done with in a short while, rather than worrying on and on about it. The anxiety has an end, at least in respect to the actual telling a doc how you feel. I know for me that made a huge difference, the unburdening of all those pent-up fears and emotions. I'm not saying it will make everything better overnight, but you can at least take strength from knowing that you are being proactive in your care by seeking help NOW.

It's not easy. In fact it's damned hard, however many times you've experienced depression, to admit to yourself and those around you that you need help. But it's all positive from that initial honesty onwards. You deserve the appropriate care for your condition, just as much as a diabetic or heart patient. The difference with depression is that you have to ask. Call your doc, set up an appt and be honest. Getting it over and done with will feel better than you think!

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Vapourware

@Maz: Thanks a lot for your post. I'd been giving it a lot of thought and yesterday I made an appointment to see a counselor on my uni campus - I thought about seeing a GP but the counseling service at university is free and the people there are trained specifically in mentally-interesting areas. The actual appointment setting was ridiculously easy; once I got over the hurdle of going there it was a breeze. Almost made me wonder why I was so anxious in the first place!

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