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This is my first post on this message board. I think my core problem is depression that is why I didn't post thisin the other thread. I have been mildly depressed for the last few monthes, and for the last month or so it has gotten even worse. I have a therapist that is great and psych doc that is ok. I have been on wellbutrin for a month, and I have been on abillify for only 4 days. I have also been taking adderral for a while even though I am not prescribed it. At first I was just taking it to study for my exams and then slowely I have been taking it everyday, because if I don't I am even more depressed during the day. One last thing and then I'll shut up, for the last couple weeks I have been cutting. I just hate myself and my life, I don't know what to do anymore.

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Hi, Nicky!

I am so glad that you are at this board! It is really a wonderful place to be, and you will find lots and lots of support here.

I have noticed a folder where people who self harm discuss, and maybe if you want to, there might be some ideas you could pick up there?

In the meantime, it is good to meet you here!

Karin

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Hey,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. Depression is horrible, especially when it feels like it's getting worse instead of better.

I think it's really good to hear that you have a psychiatrist and a therapist - meds + therapy is one of the best things you can do for depression.

I hope you've told your psychiatrist and therapist that you're cutting; you should also tell them about the Adderall. Not to be preachy, but taking unprescribed medication like that can really mess you up, especially if you have underlying mental health issues.

Hang in there - you're pretty new to the Abilify. Hopefully it will work and you'll start to feel better soon. I take Seroquel, which is a similar type of med, and it has been very useful to me.

Keep letting us know how you're doing, and feel free to vent as much as you want - we get it ;)

ETA: There is a good list of alternatives to self-harm here and a list of ways to self-soothe here

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Welcome to the board.

Depression sucks. I lost most of my late teens/early 20's to depression. I SI (shortcut for Self Injured) later in life, so I know what a burden that is to have on your shoulders. If you want to talk about that, there's a board just for that. You need to tell your therapist and your pdoc, they may adjust your treatment accordingly. And remember this: the relief from SI only lasts a few seconds. That's it.

I want to reiterate tryp's advice to tell your doctor about the adderall. Treating a person with medication is a fine-tuned process, and throwing unknown medications in the mix really changes the program. And don't even get me started about the problems of withdrawing from said medications. Best just to tell your doc so your treatment can be adjusted. A pdoc isn't your dad.. they're not going to yell at you or anything. But it will save you from possible bad medication interactions.

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Thanks for replying to my post, I have told both of them that I am on add. When I am not on it I am even more depressed. I tried to be with my friends since friday but that only happend friday night and a little today. I worked out today and went shopping but I still cut today. Not that it matters that much but I did not cut as much as I have before. I have tried to trust my therapist as she asks me to do but sometimes I just get sick of everything. Everyone is so happy for me that I am graduating from college, but almost no one knows that I am so depressed. Well thanks again and I guess I will try to take it one day at a time. I will try to stop thinking that I am pathetic loser who deserves nothing but the worst pain ever. Yep I just typed what I think on a regular basis.

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Nickyg, there are great things that you mentioned in that last post that you are doing for yourself - working out, leaving the house to go shopping, cutting less, talking to your docs - none of those things are easy. Thinking you're a pathetic loser, well, so you still have some stuff to work on. ;)

Graduating from college is a scary, scary time. It is very understandable that depression would be beating down your door - good for you for doing something about it.

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Thanks for replying to my post, I have told both of them that I am on add. When I am not on it I am even more depressed. I tried to be with my friends since friday but that only happend friday night and a little today. I worked out today and went shopping but I still cut today. Not that it matters that much but I did not cut as much as I have before. I have tried to trust my therapist as she asks me to do but sometimes I just get sick of everything. Everyone is so happy for me that I am graduating from college, but almost no one knows that I am so depressed. Well thanks again and I guess I will try to take it one day at a time. I will try to stop thinking that I am pathetic loser who deserves nothing but the worst pain ever. Yep I just typed what I think on a regular basis.

What a brave person You are. You are NOT pathetic. you are fighting this depression with everything you know how! You are showing tremendous courage. No, you definitely are not a pathetic loser. I admire you.

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Taking it one day at a time is a good way to start.

Try to be patient and gentle with yourself. Cutting less, and trying to trust your therapist are both great things to be doing, even if you're not perfect at what you do.

Keep posting and letting us know how you're doing ;)

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Well I cut again today, while listening to Papa Roach's last resort. I emailed by therapist right before and she actually emailed me back like 10 minute later not that it really mattered because I did it anyways. She then called me a little after and we talked she told me to write down some positive things about myself so I would have those thoughts in my head while I had my negative thoughts. So hopefully that will work, but who knows. I see my pdoc after this poster presentation that I am giving on Guided Imagery its kind of funny because that shit might help me. Ok peace out

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Ha I actually thought I wasnt going to do it again, what a joke. "I wouldnt be the least bit suprised if the four of them habitually smoked marijuana cigarettes, Reefers!" Guess what song and band! Hint the singer is dead. Yeah I know very random just wanted to add some light hearted shit

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I'm sorry you cut again. I urge you to check out the self-injury board's posts on self-soothing here: http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=200

You need to let your doc know.

You can start fresh again from today. It's a process. No one said stopping is easy. But don't beat yourself up that you did it - as long as you try not to do it again.

It took my husband threatening me with the psych hospital (I have a deathly fear of the phospital, been there twice) to get me to stop SI. You have to find what your ultimate pressure point is, where the risk is so not worth the reward.

Keep posting. It helps.

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I have not cut for a couple days which is better than nothng. I have been trying to spend time with people which is very difficult for me at times. Yesterday I smoked some weed though which was not a good idea. At first I was really high because I barely ever smoke but then I was still kind of high and was feeling super sad. I thought I was good to drive and I wasn't I got lost a couple times had to stop three times at different places. I knew it was stupid to do it but I got home safe and won't do it again. My life is messed up, I shouldnt mess with other peoples lives. Do you guys think if I told my pdoc or tdoc that they would report this to someone, because if thats the case I won't tell them.

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Usually, the only way a pdoc or tdoc will tell someone else what you've told them is if they think you're a danger to yourself or someone else (i.e. suicidal or homicidal). I'm not POSITIVE but I'm pretty sure that if you shared what you just told us, it would be kept in confidence.

You're right - not cutting for a few days is better than nothing. It's like Gizmo said - it's okay to slip up. You just have to keep hammering away at it.

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Thanks for your response you are always so helpful on these boards. My therapist told me to call her Monday morning should I mention something about this or just wait till Wednesday when I see her? Have you ever thought of doing something in the counseling field?

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I think you should do whatever feels comfortable to you - since your appointment is in a few days, you're going to get to talk about it either way. But you may as well mention it when you call, so therapist is aware that it's going to come up when she sees you.

I've thought about being a pdoc or something of the sort. I'll probably go to med school and see where I take it from there. I'm glad you find my comments helpful ;)

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I just wanted to give a quick update on my situation. I have not cut since Sunday which is good. I have still been feeling depressed and I have drnk a couple times which has made me more depresse. I raised the abilif to 4 g today and I called my therapist and she had an opening so I went at 4:00. I told her how I had thought about ODing but said I hadnt planned it. She as trying to help as usual and then before I left I started to feel weird, kind of out of it. She said I was slurring my words. So she said she didnt want me to drive home, and walked with me to my car to get my phone to call a friend to pick me up, crazy right? I guess she was just trying to help. Now my car is still parked outside the counseling center at school hopefully I wont get a ticket. Hopefully this weekend won't.

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