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One Step Forward and Three Back!


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Why is it that just as I feel like as  soon as I'm finally on some positive recovery that even the smallest problem sends be back almost to the beginning of despair?  I've been doing well, sleeping finally and, how dumb this sounds, saw a commercial for ambien and bam, the "what if" stuff creeps in and I lie awake in bed thinking I'm doomed for a life of insomnia and worry.  I mean what the hell.  I think it must be some type of PTSD like a trigger.  Can anyone relate? This is why I sometimes feel like I'm on the verge of crazyness. 

Also, does anyone feel very guarded about feeling "normal".  It's like I'm always on guard waiting, watching for any sign of "trouble". Like I'm getting ready to crash again.  Normal sometimes just doesn't feel right or safe. 

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Normal sometimes just doesn't feel right or safe.

Yup.  I am used to chaos, or at least my head feeling like chaos, so if my life just isn't very chaotic I will create some.  Ah, the wonders of the human psyche.  I think I am very impressionable as well.  Almost psychosomatic (sp?).  I guess certain things can act like triggers.  I remember reading One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest in Jr. High and reading about all the insanity made me feel insane.  Like I was becoming like the author.  Note to MI peeps; don't read that book.  It is too on-target when it comes to the life of a mentally ill person.  Well, maybe it will be good for some people, but it was a huge trigger for me. 

It's safe to say that you aren't alone in your feelings Kris!  Do you have a tdoc you can talk to about it?  Maybe dissect the thoughts that come into your head when you are worrying about the ambien?  Take advantage of "normal" times to work on deeper issues.  My new motto is "CONSTANT VIGILENCE!" because you can't relax for one second or you may slip into crap that it is hard to get out of. 

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Thanks Gwen, you've made me feel better.  You are sooo right about so many things.  I remember watching that movie as a teen and other movies similar as a young adult (can't think of titles - but a horrible one about suicide & depression).  These things to people with weak psychs are just traumatic.  I think we tend to be somewhat hypochondriacs, not that we're going to catch a cold, but that since we're MI already, we're gonna go off the deep end.  When I had my recent bout of deep depression (not this bad for 10 years!), I kept telling my doc I was terrified of going crazy - One Flew Over the .....  I have to limit myself carefully to what I watch or read.  I used to get nervous just seeing the word insomnia.  Strange what triggers us.  Thanks again for your great words of advice! 

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Kris,

Also, does anyone feel very guarded about feeling "normal".  It's like I'm always on guard waiting, watching for any sign of "trouble".

I've been in remission for about 4 months now. I am just getting to the point of not waking up afraid it won't hold. It still feels like a psychic body blow whenever I see certain words or hear about suicides.

It gets better, but I'm not sure it ever really goes away entirely.

Greeny

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How true you are.  It's like we were taught to make sure we always looked behind us or someone might be following us.  I know my insecurities were very well taught to me by my mother.  Whatever was left over I was never taught how to get rid of.  The what ifs are hell.  I try so hard to stay in the moment.  I tend to say what if I can't tomorrow or next week.  Like a dog chasing a tail!

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Call me a gloommonger, but as soon as things start going too good or normal, I start getting more and more wary and edgy...my life is usually chaos and catastrophe, so normal feels surreal and like it's just a sugar coating to something truly awful.

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