hotncold Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Hi, I'm glad to have finally found a forum where I don't have to be PC! Seriously, if I want to say that I'm crazy and that I've been in the funny farm why can't I? I've worked bloody hard to have the right to say those things! I'm going to call myself Katy since my username is hotncold. My diagnoses are: BPD, BPI, MDD, ED and mostly WTF? I have been in hospital 5 times because of my MI and I have lost many years of my life to it. I'm 35. I was overly-sensitive as a child and from the age of about 14 had severe bouts of depression. I also developed bulimia and wrote lots of emo poetry (I was ahead of the times lol). As the years went on my emotions were always erratic and I felt exhausted nearly all the time from the turmoil. When I was 20 I had had enough and wanted to work out why I was not 'normal'. I felt wrong, like a shoe that didn't fit. There was so much sadness in me, this overwhelming feeling of loss but I didn't know what I had lost. I picked a psychiatrist out of the Yellow Pages and he made me come and see him twice a week. He lived an hour from my house and charged me $150 a week which was nearly half my salary. I didn't know enough back then to shop around for doctors/therapists! The one good thing he did was put me on Prozac and when I stopped seeing him I got it from my GP. After about 3 of years I started to see a counsellor who worked in my GP's rooms. She was great, very kind and compassionate and provided a good sounding board for me. When I was around 26 I fell into a massive hole and was struggling to find my way out. Finally, my fiance made an emergency appointment for me with my counsellor and when I got there I had a complete meltdown, saying I wanted to die. She had told me about 6 months prior to that how she had been doing some training at a clinic and they treated addictions, eating disorders and mood disorders and suggested that it would be helpful for me to go there. The day that I had my meltdown she asked if I would like to get assessed by the clinic to see if they thought an inpatient program would be suitable for me. I agreed as I was actually dying to be hospitalised because I thought then I'd finally be 'allowed' to have a nervous breakdown. I felt like I had been holding on so tight all these years to keep my emotions in check that I was going to burst. All of my life I had had pretty extreme emotional outbursts but what everyone around me didn't know was that what they saw on the outside was about 10% of what was happening on the inside! I was assessed that day and admitted immediately. Usually it takes a few weeks to get in but because I was so severly depressed they found a place for me. That stay lasted 2 weeks and then I completely lost the plot, told the nurses they were f***ing c***s (completely out of character for me), stole their phone and got my Mum to come get me. I stayed crazy for a couple of weeks and my Mum said she thought I had bipolar but I wouldn't listen to her. By the time I came back to earth Mum had found a psychiatrist for me. I saw him and he diagnosed me with BPI lol! Changed meds a bit and mood felt better but had to cope with all the devastation that I had done when I was loco: told my fiance I had never loved him and then run off with someone I had met in the clinic; alienated nearly all my friends; deeply wounded my family; jeopardised my job by not coming back to work when I was going to; run up my credit cards. The next 6 years saw 4 more hospitalisations, the longest stretch I had was 3 months. In 2007, the last time I was an inpatient I heard someone talk about BPD in one of our group sessions - he could have been describing me. When I left there I started going to a new psychiatrist (my old one had retired) and after I had being seeing him for awhile he suggested that I have BPD and I was really happy to have that confirmation - certainly not happy that I had the disorder but at least now I knew what it was that was making me act so nuts! The BPI did explain some things but there were all these other things that I thought were just because I was a horrible person so to find out that I was probably only 50% horrible was a great relief lol. He added some new medication to my cocktail and it did take a bit trying to figure out which doses and types of meds suited me. I've been pretty steady now for about 6 months. I still have the odd day here and there when I simply can't get out of bed but as bad as those times are, I know that it is nothing compared to what it was like when I wasn't medicated properly. I've come to this board because I need to connect with other people who have similar issues. While I generally feel pretty good, last week for about 5 days I was totally despondent and couldn't work. I wished so much that I had someone who I could talk to who had MI, particularly BPD because the things that I have been struggling with lately are all BPD related. I have very supportive family and friends, a good shrink and a new therapist but I want to talk to people who actually have the disorder. Hopefully I'll find some people I can relate to and we can help each other out - even if that just means saying 'I totally felt like that too!' lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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