New and hopefully fairly different

[Gray]

I am an 18 yo male attending a large university in the southeast. I was diagnosed with depression last November although I had been dealing with it for a while before then. I was promptly put on Zoloft 100mg. I was hospitalized for suicide risk in March (therapist freaked-nothing new, just described things a little better). I was there for four days. It sucked. Put me on 150mg Wellbutrin which didn't do much. Left and dropped most of my classes. Upped my dose of Zoloft to 175mg which caused a weird cyclical effect where I would start feeling like shit a couple hours after I took the meds, and eventually start feeling better towards the end of the day. Stopped taking those and upped my dose of Wellbutrin to 300mg. Waiting to see how that works.

Reasons for depression? Wish I knew. In my case I think it's almost entirely chemical. I don't have anything to complain about. I'm reasonably good looking, pretty smart, slim, have a great girlfriend, am loved by parents, good friends, but none of that really matters. It's not that I don't enjoy these things -- I do -- it's just that they are only distractions. I see no point to life but to have fun (in the longterm intelligent way) but if I don't have fun why not just kill myself? Yes, I know, given the right combination of meds, I will probably be able to delude and distract myself, but when I am alone I will still know there is no point to anything. I know this because my depression comes in acute episodes, and even when I don't feel awful, I can still see the cold truth. Lately I don't think about suicide for any extended period of time most days, but then something will pop and I feel the urge to end it all. And I see nothing wrong with that. Even when I'm not suicidal. The only reason I haven't done myself in yet, is that I don't want to permanently fuck up my girlfriend up for the rest of her life. Everyone else I'm not too worried about. They'll get over it, and if they can't, that's not my problem. People should be able to get over things that happen to them.

[tryp]

Hi Gray,

Welcome to CB

I've struggled with depression too, and it's the absolute pits. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now.

There's lots of good help and support here - hope you like it here as much as I do.

Tryp

[rein]

Yes, I know, given the right combination of meds, I will probably be able to delude and distract myself, but when I am alone I will still know there is no point to anything. I know this because my depression comes in acute episodes, and even when I don't feel awful, I can still see the cold truth

Hi Gray..I really just came in here to say welcome nice to meet you and all that but I just have to comment on one thing you said. That is your depression you are seeing. Not the truth. you are just gonna have to trust me on this but it really really is NOT the truth. Its what Rat Bastard (aka your depression) is whispering in your ear..

Don't worry I wouldn't have believed me either when I was where you are. I sure hope to read more about you..this is a pretty great place to get answers and support.

ETA..I have the chemical sort too. To the outside world my little corner of the world has always looked damn good. Too bad my unmedicated brain is unable to comprehend that.

[effing joe]

Hi, and welcome to CB Gray. All I can say is that I was 18 back in the '70's and those years were the toughest of my life. I feel for you and can only offer the cliche' "hang in there" and keep seeing a mental health pro. Seriously, you're probably sick of hearing this, but your best years are to come. Life really does get better the longer you fight your mental illness with the help of a mental health pro and the proper meds. I look forward to reading more of your posts to see how it's going. I wish I had this forum back in the day. These people are awesome.

Take care! joe

[resonance]

Welcome. I'm curious - hopefully fairly different how?

Appropriate medication helps remove barriers to enjoying life. It doesn't sound like you've found the right medication yet. When did you start your higher dose of Wellbutrin?

The only reason I haven't done myself in yet, is that I don't want to permanently fuck up my girlfriend up for the rest of her life. Everyone else I'm not too worried about. They'll get over it, and if they can't, that's not my problem. People should be able to get over things that happen to them.

You might be surprised how badly it affects people. We have a number of members who've had family members or loved ones kill themselves, and it's generally been quite painful for them. I don't think it's something that people really get over. If it fades with time there's a still a lot of pain between the death and the fading.

[Gray]

I meant different in the sense that I hope I'm not just one in the herd, not that I'm superior. Depression has made me realize that everyone is different and whatever works for you is a-ok. Of course I would be lying if I told you I did not think I was right. Everyone thinks they are right even if they just believe they are right about knowing they could be incorrect. And who doesn't like to think that they have something new to say?

The reason I have a hard time believing that I could enjoy live to its fullest is that I see depression as a clearing of the mind in some senses. Sure, the things that get you there like thought distortions, brain chemistry, events, etc. are clearly not logical, but that doesn't necessarily mean that your new viewpoint is wrong. For me at least, I feel that it helps me distance myself from desires and impulses caused by a desire for pleasure and to also help me view things from a more objective third-person perspective.