Guest Vapourware Posted May 9, 2009 Share Posted May 9, 2009 Two cases in note: a) While at university this year, I struck a conversation with someone whom I'll call B. I'm naturally a nice person and I had a civil conversation with him about the course and life in general. You know, the usual chit-chat conversation that you'd have with strangers. He goes, well - do you want to exchange emails and phone numbers so we can share study notes? I thought, okay, no problems here. That's what I thought he was going to do - share study notes. Instead he starts telling me all these emails about the intimate details about his personal life, constantly calling me a "goddess" and I tell him to back off because he was intruding into my personal space. Then I find out that he had a massive crush on me and actually wanted to sleep with me and cheat with his wife He expected that the moment he decided he was ready to sleep with him, then I would be all for it. I have no idea how he came to that conclusion and I already have a partner whom I'd mentioned to him in passing Now he is telling people that I'm unstable and that I'm a bitch for "leading" him on (his reason being that I was "nice" to him), and that it is my fault that he gets panic attacks and can't go to university. I really don't understand people like that. Seriously, WTF? b) I thought I was in a band for the past six months until the other members decided to record a demo, and they told me the day before that I was never part of the band, therefore I wasn't going to be on the recording. That's despite me turning up to rehearsal every week - and being asked to turn up to some extra rehearsals as well. Geeze, thanks? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tryp Posted May 9, 2009 Share Posted May 9, 2009 Damn, both of those are pretty weird stories. And they think WE'RE nuts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Vapourware Posted May 9, 2009 Share Posted May 9, 2009 Yes, and people wonder why I have trust issues! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kablume Posted May 9, 2009 Share Posted May 9, 2009 When I hear things like that I say "I'm taking medication?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fuchsia groan Posted May 9, 2009 Share Posted May 9, 2009 When I hear things like that I say "I'm taking medication?" OTOH, they haven't invented a pill yet for Asshole NOS. We're treatable, but they're hopeless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stickler Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 Sometimes guys misread a woman's friendliness as a sexual overture. It's just one of those really annoying things. Let him bugger off and create his own psychodrama somewhere else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Vapourware Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 Sometimes guys misread a woman's friendliness as a sexual overture. It's just one of those really annoying things. Let him bugger off and create his own psychodrama somewhere else. I agree, it IS very annoying. It's not the first time it's happened but until this time, the guys would just shrug their shoulders and move on. Actually, most of the guys in this categories have become my good friends. Although I think there is something really wrong with him because he just sent me a really nasty email accusing me of being manipulative, selfish, superficial, unable to have stable relationships and being a horrible musician. He was accusing me of playing with his emotions (I don't know how?). Plus he's been trying to find information about me online because he mentioned a person who I haven't spoken to in about five years. I'm really not sure WTF he's talking about and I want to throttle him...and what person would want to dig up information about someone they've met a few times to give them shit?! I hadn't contacted him for a while as well and I was hoping that he would get the message, but why does he want to provoke me? I'll mention something else here that I didn't mention in the first post about this guy because otherwise, it would've been too long - but he made up a horde of crap about another girl in the course in order to get my sympathy. After I spoke to the girl, I realised the stuff he was saying about her (that she couldn't tell if people were real or not, that she was paranoid) was false. Some of the things he initially mentioned to me were outright lies, while he had twisted the words with others. Now he's doing the same to me by twisting my words around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olga Posted May 13, 2009 Share Posted May 13, 2009 This guys sounds a bit scary. If you have any way to block his e-mails and messages, I would do it. As long as you continue to engage in a dialog with him, he will delude himself that you are "interested." Obviously, you are not, so cut him off before he becomes a bigger problem. olga Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crtclms Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 If his harrassment on the internet, and stalking behavior does not stop soon, and I mean like by this weekend, I would let someone at the school know that you are being stalked. Because you are. That doesn't mean it will develop into anything more, but you have a (legal) right to go to school in a safe environment. And did the band thing happen after you said "no" to this guy? I am curious if his thumb was in that pie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scatty Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 What a creepy loser! Just had to add that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stickler Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 What crtclms said, with gusto. Actually, you might want to download and keep his e-mails, both on your computer and somewhere else in hard copy. They're evidence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lottacrazy Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 I don't have much to say that hasn't already been said, so I will repeat and steal some lines The guy is obviously crazy, like stalker crazy, now our type of crazy. As far as the band they are horrible, I am sorry you had to deal with that crap, I have no patience for people like that, I would've said a few choice words to them *patting you on the back for being the bigger person* He sounds A LOT like my mom, it is not a good thing either. Stay away from him, if he keeps harassing and making up stories go to the police and put a restraining order on him, and threaten defimation (<spelling?) of character charges against him, it sounds a little overboard but if he is any where near as bad as my mom, it could get dirty (dirtier). He may not be dangerous physically, but harassment and the stories can become just as damaging. Ignore him and keep record of everything he sends you, and says about you, write it all down, it sounds paranoid but I know how people like him can get, and it can go on and on, even if you ignore him. People like him feed off the drama and like to ruin lives and run people down. I dont mean to sound dark or anything, but what you described is a type I have dealt with personally, and it isnt fun, it can be exhausting and drive you over the edge. I would really go to the police if this keeps up. How many emails has he sent you? Over how much time? Phone calls? Postal? Also are there other girls besides the one who have dealt with him before? If so try to contact them and see if they would back you up if you where to press charges. The more the better, police and judges may brush off your allegations if you dont have some type of proof, print out the emails and keep all voice mails and just document the heck out of everything. Even if right now you arent ready to go that far, keep it just in case you where to in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reddog Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 what everyone else said: this guy is stalker territory, keep everything for evidence, but i really want to emphasize you need to stop any and all contact with him because in a stalker's mind it encourages them. and let's all hope he gets hit by a car. i feel for his wife, btw. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Vapourware Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Hi everyone, Thanks a lot for your replies. I have been thinking about getting a police restraining order against him for a few days but I don't know if the case is strong enough - as yet - for the order to be warranted. At the moment, I will wait and see. He has not emailed me for a few days but if I hear a whift of bullshit coming from his direction... I did try not to engage in any dialog with him for almost a month, which unfortunately appeared to have escalated the issue because he is now claiming I was using silence to "manipulate" him. He also claims he is a "victim" of my "silent treatment" and it made him "very angry". However, I've got an appointment to see someone at university about this with the other girl he messed with this semester. We both intend on making a formal complaint against him. Hopefully they'll give me good news, although one student advisor told us that if someone had a mental illness, then the university would "treat them leniently". That makes me angry! Still, I'm going to push the case that he still has control over his faculties and therefore is capable of being responsible for his behaviour. Fingers crossed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mayteana Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I'm sorry - that thing with your band was bullshit. You needed to be there to rehearse for a demo that you aren't going to be on? WTF is that bullshit. I hope they don't have any original creative material of yours; meaning if you wrote a song's music and or lyrics. If they don't, great. If they do, and if your feeling okay enough to do so - please look into copyright laws in your country and check out it's requirements. If you've got anything that meets the requirements, copyrighthat shit. It would be a damn shame if these fuckers had any music of yours and passed it off as their own. Not to weirdo stalker guy. Ther's something serusliy uckinh wron with that man. Since the previous girl is still around, it sems like he's not dangerous. But pease take care, if finds out he's been reported, it could make him weirder. Lord only knows what's wrong with him to make him behave like this - but while this crap is going on please be as careful as you can with your person. Like walk with friends often so you aren't alone - and especially have proplr you trust around if you are out late. From the sound of things, he doesn't sound like there's much cause to worry on that front. But yanno... better to put a little extra effort into taking care if yourself and have it turn out that you didn't need to be so vigilant... rather then not put the effort in and have him show up on your door step or something scary like that. And this: Hopefully they'll give me good news, although one student advisor told us that if someone had a mental illness, then the university would "treat them leniently". well if that's the way it turns out - please ask the university what they are going to do with him? If M.I. is his problem, then there better be some kinda mandatory counseling of whatever that he needs to do to chill his ass out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Vapourware Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 My band didn't have any of my original material, which is good in a way because it makes things less complicated. I was, and still am, confused with what was happening in the band. I'm still friends with them but I have no inclination to jam again with them anytime soon! On the bright side, it's made me want to focus more on my own songs instead. I just think musicians are a flakey bunch in general. Now, an update on the stalker asshat. We spoke to one of the university's equity officers today, who read the emails that he had sent me and other girl and shook her head in disbelief. I told her of my concerns about the university giving him lenient treatment if he claims to be mentally ill, and she said to me that we received the wrong advice - the university views that he is responsible for his behaviour regardless of what condition he has. So it looks like the hammer of justice will smash onto him, regardless of what excuses he can concoct. I still can't work out whether B. is stupid, has a distinct lack of insight into his behaviour, or knows that his behaviour is inappropriate and just plain doesn't care, because he keeps running back to people to tell them what bullshit he had just pulled. He doesn't seem to understand that people WILL get together and his actions WILL come back to bite. I think he does know he can be reported for his behaviour and he's afraid, because he was saying that to the other girl. He even asked the other girl if he could take her out to dinner to make up for his behaviour, and was saying to her that he didn't his wife attractive. She said, "no". I replied that she should've him she would only say "yes" if she could lace his food with rat poison. That slimebag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Vapourware Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Another update... asshat is still trolling my information online (see "cyberstalker" thread in his forum). I changed names just in case he stumbles upon this board (you never know). The head of the faculty has requested a meeting with him to speak about concerns raised by myself and the other girl, and while he doesn't know (yet) that I've put in a complaint against him, he's told the girl that if he finds out that it was me (and he will find out, because the university will have to use my name during the meeting), then "things may turn ugly for all concerned". Aside from all those other things he's been calling me, he's now claiming that I'm racist and that I shouldn't be a social worker because I lack understanding about Indigenous people... I don't know what he's basing those claims on but MY feelings about him stems from his behaviour, not from his ethnicity (he does happen to be Indigenous). So I'm not very happy at the moment!!! How dare he throw the race card around and try and blame me for his behaviour!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olga Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 It's classic behavior for the kind of men who try to be controlling husbands, and also for the ones who are abusers. They try to turn things around so that YOU are the one at fault---they were just trying to be good guys. Classic. Please talk to the authorities at the university again and relay the threats that he has made. He sounds like he doesn't belong there. I pity his wife. olga Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Vapourware Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 @Olga: Come to think of it, yes it is classic behaviour for abusers. I've been forwarding his emails to the university authorities and so has my friend, who is also receiving his emails. It's a public holiday today but hopefully they will act and/or give me advice about the situation tomorrow. I've explicitly stated to him that I did not want any contact with him (I kept a copy of that email and likewise have kept all his emails to me) but he is still contacting me. I've thought about blocking him but I also want to track his motives so I don' get caught off-guard (because he seems to enjoy telling people what he's going to do) and I want a comprehensive record of his communications to me in case things turn nasty. Anyways, he's now claiming that there will be "serious repercussions" if he's made out to be the "bad guy". He's saying that he will take legal action if required, which made me laugh actually because I wonder on what grounds is he going to make his claim upon? There's no way you can justify cyberstalking, sexual harassment, spreading false rumours and accusations and intimidation on cultural grounds. There is no culture that I know of which states those sorts of behaviour are acceptable. On a more somber note, the meeting with the head of the faculty is sometime this week, so it looks like things are going to get nasty soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MistyGypsy Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Nothing excuses slander & intimidation. Justifications are the defence used by the weak. Hopefully a dose of reality will jolt the fucknuckle back into line, but your safety & peace of mind are the priorities. Wishing you all the best for your meeting with the faculty head this week, I'm curious to know how it goes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tenthdoctor Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 When I hear things like that I say "I'm taking medication?" OTOH, they haven't invented a pill yet for Asshole NOS. We're treatable, but they're hopeless! Quoted for truth. And Vapourware, keep us posted. Hope you nail that asshat to the wall! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Vapourware Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Another update - asshat is refusing to go to the meeting with the head of the faculty because he doesn't know who is putting the complaint or why. By the way, the meeting is only between himself and the head of the faculty, and the head of the faculty is saying that he is not going to give him the details that the asshat is demanding. Understandable, because of the whole confidentiality thing. So he's screaming racial harassment and that the university is giving him a hard time because he's Indigenous. asshat is claiming to have a good lawyer and he's trying to drag the student guild into this, and he's claiming that this is all racial harassment. He's also trying to drag the Indigenous centre into the mess as well. I don't know what sort of crap he would unleash onto me when he finds out that it was me who put the complaint in. Now he's been telling the other girl that HE wants to put in a formal grievance because he is "stressed and angry". Again I don't know if he'll put in a complaint against me as well...I hope the fact that I've put in the complaint first will help me. I'm a little afraid of what else he wants to do because it looks like he will fight dirty. All this in the space of about 12hrs - it's all getting a bit overwhelming! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MistyGypsy Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 I understand that you'd be feeling a bit fearful & overwhelmed, it's a pretty anxiety-provoking situation. Hopefully the uni will put your need for security first & not cave into asshat's manipulations. Not that it helps, but I'm thinking of you & hoping it all settles down soon, Alice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Vapourware Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Thanks! Well, on Tuesday - he sent me another email saying that he was "disappointed" that I made a complaint against me, and will make a formal grievance against me because "there are two sides to every story". When I read that email, I was very unhappy and also afraid because I didn't know he would concoct about me (i.e. was he going to use my mental health issues against me in an attempt to shatter my credibility, was he going to make a bunch of false accusations, etc). I called up the equity officer at university to discuss what I should do about this because I was finding it quite stressful and she reminded me that while asshat has every right to complain, he actually needs something to base his complaint on. At the moment there really is NOTHING he can base his complaint on - he can't just make a complaint against me because I've made a complaint against him. I also spoke to my partner about it and he pointed out that really, all I did was cease communication with him - and there's no law saying that I'm impelled to respond to every personal email or speak to every person I meet. That really calmed me down! Then Tuesday evening he sends me an apology (again). He now reckons the complaint has nothing to with me. I don't know who or what made him change his mind but - anything that stops him from sending a barrage of crap to me is fine by me! Actually I can see a nasty pattern emerging with asshat. He'll go completely overboard, then make grovelling apologies and claims he'll never act that way again...then he starts going completely overboard again. The cycle then continues. Another classic hallmark of an abuser, IMO. I never believe in his apologies because he doesn't actually change his behaviour, which IMO shows he has no remorse or insight that the behaviour was inappropriate. Then of course he accuses me of being an unforgiving person Anyways today is when he speaks with the head of the faculty so I'm anticipating a barrage of emails. He's been quiet so far (thank God) but we'll see what happens later in the day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stickler Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 um... Have you informed the campus police department of this? Do you have backup copies of all his e-mails in another location? Perhaps that's not the right way to go-every college is it's own little bureaucratic fiefdom and the customs differ, but my very first thought would be to talk to campus police. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Vapourware Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 The meeting was postponed until today so I'm on the lookout for a barrage soon He will be told to not make contact with me again, and vice versa. Whether or not he can restrain himself is another matter. @Snot: All the emails are on gmail and it hasn't failed me in the 5 or so years I've been using it, so I think they are reasonably secure. Although, depending on what may transpire next, I ought to print out multiple copies just in case. We don't really have a "campus police" (we do have security officers but that's probably different to what you mean), but we do have an equities office who deal with these issues, and they've been notified. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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