People who want you to be their therapist suck

[spork]

So, I'll admit that I had a problem with my friendships up until last year. I magnetically attracted people who are emotional vampires. I know there's something I need to work on to resolve this... For now, I'm glad I've cut these people out of my life, but I choose not to make new friends for now ... unless I know they are not going to suck the life out of me. I'm moving slowly with anyone I meet.

Anyway, one of the friends I stopped hanging out with confronted me recently. I would have thought that my not calling her anymore would have helped her get the message. But no.

So, now do I write her a letter? Call her to make it clear that I really don't see the point (from my side) of restarting a friendship with her.

What do I say?

I feel like saying, "Your problems are too big for me. Please consider therapy." But that sounds really mean.

I just can't watch people who won't get themselves help continue making the same bad choices over and over ... and sit silently by. It feels like I'm supporting/enabling their bad choices.

Arrrgh....

Any ideas? Insights? Personal experience?

ps I have my own MI issues to worry about. Their issues make me have more issues.

[Karin]

mmmm I sometimes also feel like that. No. I lie.

I lately always feel like that. And you know during my last extreme manic episode, I actually went ahead and told my best friend exactly that! That she is an emotional parasite, and that when I needed her the most, to stop me from committing the deed, she was gone... I told her that I have NO MORE for her to suck out of me. I am DRY, DRY, DRY.

I can diagnose other people's problems quickly, so I last year managed to tell quite a few of them exactly what their problems were, and also told them that I can't help them any more, they need to sort out their own shit.

Needless to say, I am very lonely now.

Then there is also the guy whom I supported so much when his wife died. When I was diagnosed and going crazy, he disappeared. Faster than chocolates in a slum. I had to speak to him today, and he, of course, came with that age old: "How ARE you now..??? Ah you know, time flies. I haven't spoken to you in AAAAAIIIIGes..." God it makes me sick.

His words? You said you were ill? I don't even know what you have and I remember at the time, not knowing what it means, but are you OK and you know I've been so BUSY...

I just said yeah. That was a year ago. I need this and that and this. Could he help.

[Mayteana]

Hmm I told someone a few years back that they didn't behave well enough to be worth my time.

This is not for everyone.

Hmm, if they keep trying to contact you, would it be fair to tell that from this that you need some distance from the friendship because you need the energy to devote to getting your own life in order?

~ May

[Littlewing]

Personally Spork, I would probably tell them that I was fed up of feeding the bottomless pit of their emotional despair and could they please get someone else to do it because I was too tired to do it anymore.

There's a woman I work with who is clearly BP and yet won't face it. She's a nightmare to work with, and used to come to me crying all the time and saying that her life was a mess and she didn't know what she could do about it. I made some suggestions, similar to what I did - visit your GP, write out a summary of symptoms and other stuff, then hopefully your GP will do what mine did and refer you to a psychiatrist and then you take it from there. However, she made no effort whatsoever and then when she came back to cry on my shoulder again, I told her that I had more than enough of my own issues to deal with and that I wasn't going to waste time and energy on her when she refused to do the simplest thing to help herself.

It's self-preservation Spork. You know it's too much for you, so the best thing is to tell them outright, and then there can be no more misunderstandings or people saying "Why haven't you called me?"

Mind you, I can be pretty abrasive if people piss me off...so my approach may well not be the best for you (or anyone else for that matter).

LW

x

[Phoenix_Rising]

hey spork,

I feel like saying, "Your problems are too big for me. Please consider therapy."

I don't think this sounds mean. It sounds truthful. It sounds brave.

My mom is the "emotional vampire" in my life. And I have finally reached the point that I can say to her, "I'm sorry, mom, I know you're hurting. But I cannot be your strength right now. You need to call either your tdoc or your pdoc."

Sometimes she reacts really well, sometime she doesn't. Even when she doesn't react well at the time, she usually thanks me later and is understanding about my inability to carry her on my shoulders. Regardless, I'm keeping myself "safe" and that, in the end, is what matters most.

Be good to yourself. Hope this helps.

Peace,

Phoenix

[rowen]

I think everyone attracts emotional vampires at some point in their lives. I have had to tell a few people to leave me alone in the past. I don't think I've told any of those vampires to see a shrink (though that's not bad advice and probably worth mentioning), but I have said something to the effect of, "I don't appreciate your behavior. I have my own issues. Goodbye."

I don't get emotionally involved with other peoples' problems. I can be empathic, but I have to turn it on, so to speak. And I'm not afraid to give my honest opinion when someone does something stupid. I'm tactful, but honest. It's a big turn-off for the vampire types, and they usually sever ties with me.

[Stickler]

I read something in a buddhist book about "idiot compassion" as opposed to skillful compassion. You rescue a person once...then again and again. These jellyfish people just can't seem to stop needing your help or do anything under their own power. I used to be an emotional jellyfish myself, until I got medicated, therapized, and grew up a bit.

I have had multiple jellyfishes wash up on my beach, and they always sting me in the end. Although my jellyfishes usually seem to be stuck in permanent severe financial straits, not severe emotional straits.

I haven't quite figured out how to elegantly deal with jellyfish. I manage them with distance and cutoff.

I think the best thing you can do is,(as gently as humanly possible) be honest. It will be a full-bore sucky experience for all concerned but I have grown far more from being told unpleasant truths than being placated.

[AirMarshall]

"Your problems are too big for me. Please consider therapy."

She said with a concerned look on her face as she patted the friends shoulder. "Gotta run, see you round campus" as she dashed for the nearest bus while trying to disappear.

Works for me. Don't make yourself a martyr. Only you can allow others to monopolize your time and life.

a.m.

[spork]

Thanks for that. That struck me as really funny.

I think I will memorize my quote below to incorporate into some brief conversations with these people. Brief, because I can't see the point of belaboring the whole "Yep, you need therapy" conversation. What are they going to do ... try to say why they think I'm wrong? That could be interesting... I wouldn't stick around to debate it though.

"Your problems are too big for me. Please consider therapy."

She said with a concerned look on her face as she patted the friends shoulder. "Gotta run, see you round campus" as she dashed for the nearest bus while trying to disappear.

Works for me. Don't make yourself a martyr. Only you can allow others to monopolize your time and life.

a.m.

[spork]

Karin-I admire your honesty. Listening to people drone on about behavior that they won't change, makes me feel like I'm condoning (enabling?) it since I continue to listen and implicitly support it.

Now, I'll save myself first..

With the people I've mentioned, I really think my health will be improved by doing this. I don't know if you've experienced or considered that benefit?

Mayteana-Yes, putting up with someone else's bad behavior can be too much baggage to carry. I've been there.

I think if I incorporate your comment about needing to focus on my own life it could perhaps be more respectful of these people. Some are just in trouble and don't know that they should seek help, maybe. I really felt like I was enabling in two of the emotional vampire cases. Not good for them and not for me either.

Littlewing said, "It's self-preservation Spork. You know it's too much for you, so the best thing is to tell them outright, and then there can be no more misunderstandings or people saying "Why haven't you called me?"

Throwing myself a life buoy is also a good image for me to keep in mind. The buoy for me is cutting the "visit/chat" short and getting out of there.

Phoenix_Rising said, "I'm keeping myself "safe" and that, in the end, is what matters most."

I like how you put this. Because their over-sharing was, surely in at least one case, starting to affect my health, I realized it was time to make a change. Change is hard, but can have surprising benefits.

Rowen-Point taken. Only I can allow others to use me as a recliner. : )

SnotAProblem- I like your jellyfish analogy. Nicer somehow than my term, energy vampires, I think.

edited to shrink my obnoxious font size and change the font

[Karin]

I had a friend who complained for five years... five years... about a neighbour who eavesdropped at a windows which backed onto her garden. She would wail and bemoan her lot and pout at me from under her hair. I am female as well, and we both are middle aged, for heaven's sake?? This is gross?

I leant a shoulder, gave very practical, cost effective suggestions that would enhance her garden yet cover off the window legally. Until I realised I am the problem: I listen to this shit, I allow it, and by offering suggestions, I feed it.

After five years, I told her to just deal with it. I don't want to hear about it no more. Within a week? Dealt with. And she told me that I would be proud of her... ?? I just said ... "NO... you are proud of yourself, I am not your mother, or your mentor or your life coach, or whatever???

[spork]

Karin, Five years is a long time. Glad you excused yourself from that one.

I'm growing a spine ... slowly. A little bit late compared to others, perhaps. But it's really good for me to hear people's stories regarding not being someone's blanket/doormat. I gather strength from that.

[bluelikejazz]

High school gave me lots of practice in managing the vampires. It depends on the situation whether it's appropriate to cut them off completely.

For example; I have a really low tolerance for people IRL who spread malicious gossip. If they say "X is such a bitch, she did this and I said this and then she was like, zomg" then I say "wow, you sound pretty upset about this. Let's both go talk to X now and sort it out" They shut up real quick.

There was this one girl though that would continually have some drama going on, usually one she had created. Once school ended I just let the friendship slowly die. Maybe the other option is to say "It sounds like you are really hurting. I think you should see a therapist". If they keep talking just keep repeating it. They'll get the hint

Sometimes I worry that it's the other way round and that i'm burdening my friends too much. I made them promise to tell me if they need some space.

[SnailySlug]

Regarding this comment and ones like it in this thread:

However, she made no effort whatsoever and then when she came back to cry on my shoulder again,

And that's it, right there.

The poor lady was likely just hurting and wants someone to talk to, who will just sit and listen and give her a sympathetic comment or two.

When hurting or angry people talk to you, usually all they want is a sympathetic ear, they want to vent.

They do not want, need, or are not looking for someone to fix their problem, for suggestions, to judge them, or criticize them, or give them advice.

They want their feelings and concerns validated. They want to know you care. They want to be heard, that's all.

I'm usually the very nice friend who takes hours long phone calls from angry or hurting friends. I listen to them with sympathy, I don't blame them for their own problems, or criticize them.

Yet, when I need these same people to be there for me, to take my calls when I'm going through a tough time, they either try to get off the phone with me quickly, or they judge and criticize me.

I've had a few family members and friends unjustly blame me for my own problems, although I never do this to them.

If someone is absolutely draining you (by constantly coming to you to unload their personal problems), it's fine to set limits on it.

You can either tell them in all honestly you cannot handle their issues, so they need to talk to someone else, or tell them you will listen if they limit their complaining to only so- many- minutes or hours per week.

If you consider yourself a nice person and have a hard time saying "No" to people who come to you for help, and you are constantly worried about hurting people's feelings, please take a look at this page, it might help you:

21 Tips to Stop People Pleasing

I don't like it when I go to a friend for some sympathy, and they try to push me off on a therapist, rather than just take my phone call and listen to me-

Especially if this is a friend I've personally helped before by taking their long phone calls, where they cried and ranted about their problems, and I was sympathetic to them.

On the other hand, there are some people who are so seriously messed up, they really might need a therapist (they need more help than you can realistically provide), but I think in that case, if you tell them that, you should do it as kindly and gently as you can.

Someone else said,

[to the needy friend]

"I don't appreciate your behavior. I have my own issues. Goodbye."

Until it's your turn to be upset, lonely, hurt or angry, and you badly need someone to talk to, you're not going to want to be abruptly brushed off like that.