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I was diagnozed with schizophrenia like 1 and a half years ago, yay.

So ive been thinking, what if all this is a hoax?

I have these occuring thoughts that im some sort of genius or that im picked out to do a task, this is a typical symptom.

I also dont like my parents, they seem to be after me and do things to me like making dinner 2 hours later than usual the day after i told them i wanted dinner early cause i get headaches if i dont eat.

Or when my mom constantly does things that makes me angry at her.

its just.. bah.

im sitting here on abilify, and the thoughts arent going away.

i tried to convince my psychiatrist i had special powers, but he didnt listen, he tried all sorts of ways to talk me out of it, but to no avail.

so now he thinks im getting better cause i told him i dont have any of those thoughts anymore.

i swear to god ive been taking my medication EVERYDAY for 1 and a half years, in the beginning i may have skipped a lot, but for 1 year at least ive been taking them faithfully.

why am i feeling this way if im schizophrenic and the medication is proven to work?

what if im actually not schizophrenic, what if its all true what ive been thinking.

theres two possibilities, either everyones in on it, and the medication is some sort of way to get my brain to ignore those thoughts, maybe if i hadnt taken the meds i woulda been enlightened and seen their secret.

regardless, im awfully confused and i feel like i have NOONE to talk to, aboslutely not a single person can understand the position im in.

except maybe you.

but then again, if im not like you, i cant get help from you, so im left all alone again.

but that gets me thinkign.. maybe im not supposed to be with people, maybe im supposed ot be alone and just live in my own world and explore my world, like im doing now.

i constantly try to get approval from others, what a moron i was..

gah, i told my psychiatrist i was happy, i told him i liked making music, sitting online, and not being with other people, but he said he didnt believe me, he tihnks i have a hard time talking to people and being with people.

he says i have social anxiety.

oh really?

then why did i go to a strip club and touched some chicks tits, why am i flirting with girls at the store? why am i hanging out with strangers at bars without having any kind of anxiety?

my shrink doesnt understand me. i hate him sometimes.

i have two worlds, my world, and the world everyone else is in.

i want to be in my world. but im scared. im scared that its just my illness and that im not supposed to be there.

i dont want to kill myself, so no worries there, however im wishing for a climax.

like in the movies, when someone realizes something and goes "AHA!" and then everything is okay.

right now im at the beginning of the movie and i have no clue where i am or who i am supposed to be.

ok this was kind of a long rant so i will stop here, hopefully someone has some advice.

thanks for reading. if you do.

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zeu, it sounds like your medication isn't working properly.  You should tell your doctor about the thoughts you are having so he can help you.  There are a lot of other drugs available that may help you more than the Abilify does. 

I don't know what else to say other than that I've been there.  Things will get better, you just have to be honest about the thoughts you are having.

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"why am i feeling this way if im schizophrenic and the medication is proven to work?"

Because the same medication will work 10 different ways in 10 different people. It has been almost 2 years since my husbands last hospitalization for BP mania/psychosis. We have had to change his medication 4 times so far. Things that have worked for him in the past stopped working. Now he is on lamictal and zyprexa, and it has helped, but he still is not at the right dosage. Call your doctor.

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I feel for you Zeu, at first I thought abilify was working but then this morning I started having thoughts about having special powers, and Im on 30 goddamn mgsof the stuff. Wifezilla, Ben and Kevin are right, it doesn't sound like abilify is working for you. I know most pdocs are a bunch of wankers but perhaps it is worth mentioning the issues you raised in this post with him and finding another AP that might help. Good luck and keep us updated, remember we are all here cos we're in the same boat together and we will support you all we can.

;)

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Thank you for all your advice :)

I thought all meds worked the same on all people..

Like just now my mom made me scrambled eggs, and I had somewhat a hard time eating it because i had a sneaking suspicion she was trying to kill me by putting someing in the food.

But I didn't act out on it, I still ate the food, so a part of me KNOWS..

My psychiatrist also told me that abilify works the same on most dosages, so im on 15mg right now and thats supposed to be sufficient.

Regardless I KNOW all this is bullshit, it's just I get into these mindstates where I can't control how I feel, it sucks..

I will talk to my psychiatrist and tell him exactly how I feel though, he will probably be a little dissapointed though ;)

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Guest novice

Apparently, 15 mg of Abilify isn't working for you. Increasing the dose might help, but it's unlikely. It is not well understood how Abilify -sometimes- heals a psychosis. It's certainly not the most reliable antipsychotic.

You still have psychotic symptoms.

As you may or may not know, untreated psychosis damages the brain. I think you need a different antipsychotic, at an appropriate dosage. There are more candidates than I can list. Risperdal, Seroquel and Zyprexa (watch out for extreme weight gain) are the most common, and are usually the best. And yes, the (initial) sedation of Seroquel may suck. And Risperdal may (or may not)destroy your libido. There are countless other options to cure you. Sometimes a combination (temporary or not) make sense. Keep in mind, if you have been on an effective treatment on the right antipsychotic, than after one to five years (depends on many things, probably 1 to 3 years) your psychosis may be in full remission and you'd be able to gradually (very,very slowly) lower the dose till you're completely off the drug.

I believe you've said that you have had these psychotic symptoms for one year and a half. That's a serious issue and to prevent further brain damage, to make yourself happier and to be cured (eventually) you should ask your psychiatrist for a different antipsychotic at an appropriate dose. And what dose is appropriate ? Trial and error, and depending on the doc's knowledge and experience. Mostly.

You can start out on a low dose, but you should have the option of increasing your dosage quickly (although the side effects suck more if you increase the dose more quickly) to end your psychosis. Make sure you have/get a psychiatrist that is flexible enough. It's often said that it sometimes takes weeks for an antipsychotic to work, but I'm sure Risperdal and Zyprexa usually start to work within hours to days. At most, a few weeks. That doesn't mean you're going to be fully free of symptoms, but it prevents the creation of more voices, hallucinations, new delusions and other thought disturbances (like paranoia).

I think it's a good thing to print out your first post, and maybe this post of mine too. Show them to your psychiatrist.

It's important that you are completely honest with your psychiatrist. If you pretends that most things are fine, how can he help you ? And trust me, you do not have special powers, not of the magical kind anyway. Those thoughts about having special powers are called delusions. The patient (usually) firmly believes in them, and other people cannot change his mind, no matter what rational approach is tried. The only way to deal with this is antipsychotic treatment first, and some psychotherapy later.

If after that, the psychiatrist is still not willing to come up with a REAL treatment plan, fire him and get another psychiatrist.

I know what I'm talking about.

It's your life.

Make of it what you can.

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Thank you for all your advice :)

I thought all meds worked the same on all people..

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Oh, dear G_d, no. That's why people joke about the "med-go-round".

Regardless I KNOW all this is bullshit, it's just I get into these mindstates where I can't control how I feel, it sucks..

I will talk to my psychiatrist and tell him exactly how I feel though, he will probably be a little dissapointed though ;)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Nah. Your psychiatrist is probably VERY familiar with adjusting doses - it comes with the territory.

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Kassiane Posted Today, 07:37 AM

Just to clarify...

Abilify doesnt cure psychosis. NO MED cures psychosis. Mental illness, thus far, is forever.

Some people get lucky and have long lasting remissions. Most of us, well, dont. And the symptoms always come back and bite us in the ass eventually.

Kassiane

So we just have to learn how to stop worrying and love our psychosis?  ;) Damn! This is not a life Im sure I want to live anymore, I want nothing less than total remission  :)   Clozaril better work...

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novice's post kind of scared me to be honest, what does brain damage do to me?

the thing is im a lot better now than i was before.

i remember i got all sorts of thoughts and thought all sorts of hsit was affecting my brain, i didnt have so many voices, but i did have a little bit like i heard a soft voice saying somethinfg demeaning about me.

i dont have any of that anymore, but i still have grandiose thoughts and i still have some delusions (which i catch myself in too)..

main problem: i dont want brain damage, especially when i dont even know how it affects me.

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novice's post kind of scared me to be honest, what does brain damage do to me?

the thing is im a lot better now than i was before.

i remember i got all sorts of thoughts and thought all sorts of hsit was affecting my brain, i didnt have so many voices, but i did have a little bit like i heard a soft voice saying somethinfg demeaning about me.

i dont have any of that anymore, but i still have grandiose thoughts and i still have some delusions (which i catch myself in too)..main problem: i dont want brain damage, especially when i dont even know how it affects me.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The illness of schizophrenia and how it affects the brain can often be detected in brain scans. Check out the below:

From the pinned article CNS posted on the board:Best part was the pics showing the progression of damage due to untreated schizophrenia (direct PDF link, it's hard to find in the article):

http://www.usnews.com/usnews/health/brain/brainscans.pdf

Also shows images of the proctection that medications offer a brain affected with schizophrenia. CNS also provides a link to the article. 

From the link I pinned on the board:

Highlights on Schizophrenia Research

(You'll have to register to read the article but registration is free and open to everyone)

The committee targeted 7 cognitive domains most affected by schizophrenia[13]:

    * Speed of processing

    * Verbal learning and memory

    * Visual learning and memory

    * Reasoning and problem solving (executive functioning)

    * Attention and vigilance

    * Working memory

    * Social cognition

Medications can help to control these symptoms. Medication can help prevent any further progression of the illness. One big reason to remain on medication.

Erika

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The committee targeted 7 cognitive domains most affected by schizophrenia[13]:

    * Speed of processing

    * Verbal learning and memory

    * Visual learning and memory

    * Reasoning and problem solving (executive functioning)

    * Attention and vigilance

    * Working memory

    * Social cognition

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

My memory is completely shot, personally.  I can't remember anything.  Everything else is running pretty smoothly, though.  I guess everyone is affected differently...

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So we just have to learn how to stop worrying and love our psychosis? Damn! This is not a life Im sure I want to live anymore, I want nothing less than total remission    Clozaril better work...

Despite not being an MI of the hullucinatory/psychotic type, I must indeed agree that sometime you just have to accept being nutso as a way of life to some degree. I mean, my brain's just different. I've gone through so many contortions of self-hatred and punishment and forced conformity in my life......I recently just decided that I'm going to brainwash myself into being okay with me and my life. It's tough work but I think it's worth it to change your way of thinking from "Must be normal!" to "I will make decisions that are right for ME, not whatever i think will make me more normal". Keep in mind that this is just MY stupid opinion. As someone mentioned, just as all meds don't work alike for all people, neither do opinions.

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Guest novice

Kassiane: "Abilify doesnt cure psychosis. NO MED cures psychosis. Mental illness, thus far, is forever.

Some people get lucky and have long lasting remissions. Most of us, well, dont. And the symptoms always come back and bite us in the ass eventually."

Hi.

Maybe it's not a good thing to reason with autistics.  ;)

But my psychosis WAS cured by Risperdal. And keep in mind that it's possible to become psychotic without having an underlying (mental) disease. That's what happened in my case. I think that. My psychiatrist thinks that too. And there was no illegal drug abuse involved.

Of course, one could discuss the meaning of the word "cured". Psychosis in full remission is pretty much "cured". Not just a remission. Most or nearly most people that experience a psychosis never experience another psychosis.

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Maybe it's not a good thing to reason with autistics.  ;)

But my psychosis WAS cured by Risperdal. And keep in mind that it's possible to become psychotic without having an underlying (mental) disease. That's what happened in my case. I think that. My psychiatrist thinks that too. And there was no illegal drug abuse involved.

Of course, one could discuss the meaning of the word "cured". Psychosis in full remission is pretty much "cured". Not just a remission. Most or nearly most people that experience a psychosis never experience another psychosis.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

OK. I am not autistic so reason with me. There are people who have a psychotic episode with no apparent pre-exisitng condition, e.g. some people experience steriod induced psychosis. And once it is over with help of medication the person may never suffer another episode, although they should probably not risk taking a steroid again. So an AP could have led to a "cure" but they did not have any underlying illness. It was a one time occurence.

So discussing the meaning of cured: can be recovery or relief from a disease; drug treatment that can correct, heals, or permantly alleviates; to free from something objectional or harmful; to restore to health, soundness, or normalcy.

A remedy suggests correction or relief of a morbid condition. Remission is a state during which something is remitted. Remit can be the laying aside (of a mood or disposiiton) partly or wholly; to give relief from suffering; to abate symptoms for a period. But remission is remission, an abatement of symptoms for a while, not a cure.

Severe mental illness is not cured rather it is controlled with medication. Some people with MI never experience a full remission. People who have a psychotic episode can and often do experience another psychotic episode. Taking an anti-psychotic can greatly (in some cases) decrease the re-occurence of another episode. Some people with severe MI are not so lucky and can come out of remission, have breakthrough mania or psychosis, despite being on constant medication.

Perhaps your psychosis was a one time deal. You are fortunate and because your psyhosis did not seem to be a result of any underlying illness, you may be free of never having another occurence. But there are plenty of people who have to deal with the fact that psychosis will always be a possiblity in the future because they have a mental illness that can not be cured, it can only be treated.

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Yeah, you can't really reason with me either. That's why I usually put out the disclaimer: I speak for no universal truths! And besides, no one said you had to listen to me.  I'm a know-it-all. It's a part of my charm.

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