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For the past two days, I have had an incredibly strong urge to drive across country and kill myself in the driveway of a person I care very much about.  I believe that I am just having repeated thoughts rather than any kind of voices, though at times, I think it is audible.  I doubt seriously that I will do anything of the sort (the price of gas alone is enough to make me think twice), it's just that I have never had such specific suicidal thoughts go through my head.

I just got a route map on mapquest and it is 1342.13 miles and would take 20 hours, 38 minutes to get from San Antonio to Myrtle Beach;  so it ain't goin' to happen.  I'm just scared and confused. 

My first wedding anniversary is this weekend and I am scheduled to see my T a week from Friday.  I really think I'll make it OK and don't want to spoil the weekend for my wife.

I just wanted to put this down in tangible format and try to get it out of my head.

Tommy ;)

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Her Tommy,

Well, that's a worrisome post. How about giving your therapist a call and maybe having an emergency session. Granted, 1342.13 miles and 20 hours, 38 minutes is a long drive and would give you a lot of time to reconsider. But since the thoughts are so specific and compelling, you need to do something RIGHT NOW to jolt yourself out of that thought process before it gets stuck.

Besides, you're right. It would seriously ruin your anniversary weekend.

Please call your therapist.

Greeny

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Her Tommy,

Please call your therapist.

Greeny

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thanks, Greeny,

I have my T's phone and pager numbers handy, but I think I will be OK.  I just talked to my wife on the phone and feel a little better. 

Time to head home and stop by the grocery store.  I'll get ice cream -- that will help

Tommy

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Well you did the right thing in getting it of your chest!  I feel incredible at the moment, and yet I have all sorts of weird ideas about killing myself in spectacular fassion!  Strange how the brain works, eh? 

Though I do not feel threatened by them, I tell myself THAT I WILL NOT DO ANYTHING OF THE SORT.  Using this sort of language whilst expressed in repition has an effect upon the subconscious that will keep you in check - it is very healthy.

I don't know if I will tell my pdoc, because 1) I am not threatened and 2) I will come off sounding like a drama queen (I am paranoid about sounding like a god damned drama queen!).

Anyway, just so you know I can relate to a degree.

If you are worried about telling your doc or therapist, just lauagh and ask them why you are having these thoughts.

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What's alarming is how specific your thoughts are. And even though you say at the top you aren't going to do anything, you've gone ahead and gotten a map. In such little steps, the big thing could happen. With each little step feeling like one that doesn't matter because it is such a little step.

You should get in contact with your therapist immediately!

Even thinking/believing you aren't going to do anything about this, and you can communicate that to your therapist, such specific ideas shouldn't be ignored. Also your feeling that they thoughts are obsessive and at times almost audible, is a sign that you need to not ignore.

Please, call your therapist. It can't hurt, and it will make for a better anniversary celebration.

Fiona

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Hi, all,

I am doing much better today.  The thoughts seem to have been quieted just by writing them out.  I didn't call my therapist, because I couldn't do so without my wife listening and the whole MI thing is upsetting to her as it is.  She still thinks, sometimes, that I can "just snap out of it" and gets perturbed that I don't.  Her saying is, "Yes, you get depressed, but you don't have to give in to it."

I shredded the map this morning.

Tommy

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Sorry Tommy, still doesn't sound like a call to your therapist isn't warranted.  Sounds like you are having to deal with too much stuff on your own and your wife not getting it (as most MI don't) probably does not help.  "Killing yourself in the driveway of someone you care very much about" is a very scarey thought.  I note that you are going to be celebrating your first anniversary and wonder where this other person comes into to the picture. One more reason to reach out for help, unfinished business?  Boy, don't I just sound like the number one bitch, but I want to see you happy and very much alive.  Please take care of yourself or I'll have to fly down to San Antonio to beat the crap out of you.  ;)   Sulu

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