Best Friends...

[DarkendHour]

So I'm beyond hurt right now and actually rather upset.

My best friend of over 10 years just proved me right in the fact I thought she has been avoiding me for a while now, but the reasoning behind it was far from what I though it would be.

She stopped by on a walk and I told her how my tdoc was a moron for saying she didn't know how I could have gotten better on my own with out a med change. I told her my tdoc obviously doesn't own a dictionary and has never heard the word "episode" before.

My best friend then said, "Yea you don't need new meds to get better."

I thought she was just agreeing with me, but then she went on to say.....

"You just need to use the copping skills you are learning and you will get better on your own."

I gave her a puzzled look and then said, "what skills am I learning?"

My best friend then said, "Well I gave you a copy of the workbook they gave me when I was at "insert name of mental heath facility".

Some how this got her on the topic of why she doesn't come around much any more....

"You don't take care of yourself, your not trying to get better, you don't want to have a job and thats just wrong, you don't leave the house unless your with me your roommate or going to an appointment, I see you getting worse as time goes by and your not doing anything to stop it................... it all just frustrates me so much because you won't help yourself and thats why I haven't been coming around much."

Ok first off my best friend has a dx of Bipolar rapid cycling and BPD. Soooo shouldn't she be at least a little more compassionate to the fact that I have MIs????

I'm not trying to "get better"??? Why in the hell am I taking all of these meds every day and going to therapy then???? And anyway what the fuck does "get better" mean? Is there a cure for MI's that no one has told me about?????

I don't want to have a job??? Umm yea you try and live in my shoes for a fucking day and see if you can work!!!!! (coming from someone who hasn't held a job for longer than 4 months since she started working 6 years ago... not that I look down on her for that, I know it's hard for her because of the MIs.. I have supported her every step of the way, I'm just saying she has no room to talk.)

I don't go out...... ok so lets suppose I don't have any issues with going out places on my own.... where in the hell would I go anyway if I'm not hanging out with my only two friends, going shopping or going to appointments????

WTF just because you wouldn't be happy living my life the way I do without having the problems I have doesn't mean I'm unhappy with it (talking about the way I live my life, not my illnesses)!!!!!

You see me getting worse??? Yea no shit I see it as well. Do you think I want to get worse? Did I not tell you back when I first got my dx's that my doctors told me that chances are I was going to get worse with time but they didn't know to what extent??? How in the hell am I supposed to stop this from happening??? Again is there a cure that no one is telling me about???

I don't really get that upset when random people tell me stupid ass shit about my MIs and what I "should be doing", but this is coming from my best friend of over 10 years who also has MIs..... Just because she can be "productive" (for lack of a better term, and actually I use that term lightly) and have MIs doesn't mean that everyone with MIs can function at her level.

Just because she cares more about how many pills she has to take rather than just taking whatever she needs to to have a somewhat stable life doesn't mean that I can't take the meds I need no matter how many so that I can tolerate (my) life.

Just because she can or does do something doesn't mean that its the right way or that everyone must do the same thing as her or react the same way as her.

I love her very much but she isn't perfect, no one is.

I really don't know what to do.

Is this really her talking or is it due to her MI??? (Not that it would make it any better, but at least then I could sympathize with her and understand that she may be having a hard time right now and maybe doesn't even know it)

Like I said I don't know what to do....

Do I just ignore what she said and add it to her random moments file?

Do I just stop being friends with her? I mean I love her and would hate to lose her as a friend, but at the same time how can I be best friends with someone who thinks of me this way and obviously doesn't understand what I have to deal with just to survive another day.... Also if being my best friend is making her unhappy in anyway I would NEVER want that.

Am I just being stupid for holding onto someone who tends to treat me like shit and expects me to always be there for her but is pretty much never there for me (most of the time)?

Some one please give me some advice here... I just feel so lost right now.

I would NEVER say anything like this to her.... I have always backed her up 100% with anything and everything whether I agreed with it or not.... I am ALWAYS there for her... I just don't know..... I don't know........ I don't know

[tryp]

Hey Dark,

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I lost a best friend this year over a similar thing - she was a normie, and she just didn't get it - so I can imagine how much pain you must be in.

As to what you should do - the only person who knows that is you. Perhaps a good place to start would be sitting down with your friend and letting her know how her remarks made you feel.

I hope you get some sort of resolution out of this - the last thing you need is extra pain.

Tryp

[beetle]

I'm sorry your friend has treated you this way. In a perfect world, friends would accept us with all our "flaws" but it often doesn't turn out that way.

Now I'm not saying you're not trying to get better, she's seems to be saying that her perception is that you're not trying to get better. So from that perspective I guess maybe it could be hard for her to be around someone who's going through the same things she just struggled with. And she might feel that she's still in a fragile state and some of your issues may trigger her. Like, for an example a recovering alcoholic might be triggered by being around someone who's still drinking.

Again, I know you say you ARE trying to get better and I believe you. I just think that your friend might still be in a fragile state herself.... it could all be too much for her.

I dunno, just throwing out some BS to see what sticks. Like I said, it'd be great if all our friends could just accept us as is and be strong enough to support us no matter what. But that's a very rare person who can do that.

[DarkendHour]

I'm sorry you lost your best friend tryp.

Beetle, I may have just freaked her out with this last episode I've had.

I know it hurts me when I see her hurting for any reason.

She has a pretty big problem with empathy (or lack there of) so maybe this is just her reaction?

I think for now I'm going to just let this slide. If it comes up again with her then that is when I will deal with it. From now on though I am going to keep all comments about MI, medication and the like to myself unless she bring it up.

[tryp]

Well, keep us posted. I tried that before and found it pretty frustrating, but it may be that it will work for you. Just remember - you deserve a friendship that will work for you.

[DarkendHour]

Thanks tryp. The reason I'm going to try and just let this go is that we have been best friends for over 10 years.... she may just have been having one of her moments....

I was very upset when I first wrote this, it had literally happened not even 5mins prior..

I should have added in the fact that the next topic she started was that in two years from now her dad and I were probably going to be the only two people she talks to... so obviously she doesn't want our friendship to come to an end.

Now that my head is a bit clearer I can see that I would be frustrated if I was in her place... I wouldn't have used the same words she did, but knowing my best friend was sick and there was nothing I could do about it would bother me a lot as well.

[meg]

hey, I'm a little late to this topic but wanted to poke my nose in and say that I think that you're handling this all very well--

what you just said about how it must be hard for her to watch you in pain and feel helpless-- I think that's very likely.

could she have phrased it better?

hell yeah, but when it comes to really emotional stuff like this, it can be really hard to express your feelings.

at least she finally told you what was going on, it must have been rough not knowing why she was avoiding time with you, that's an awful question mark and at least you have something to move forward from now.

I totally understand your first gut reaction too, I've had similar issues come up with a few people very close to me over the past few years and it's really upsetting to feel so misunderstood by someone who you thought you could count on to 'get it' and be there for you.

hope you two work things out, goodluck,

m

ps- one thing that I think maybe deserves a little bit more attention here is this:

Am I just being stupid for holding onto someone who tends to treat me like shit and expects me to always be there for her but is pretty much never there for me (most of the time)?

since it seems like maybe there have been some issues in the past beyond just this one recent hurtful comment.

it's awful to feel like you give and listen and support someone without thinking twice just to have them not even bat an eyelash at leaving you alone when you need the same support back. I'm dealing with a friend who I have this pattern with right now and it's really hard to not get resentful that she takes so much but never seems to give back, so that's why your comment struck me. don't give more than you can spare is all the advice I have for you there, though-- and I need to remember that too.

sorry for the rambling nature of this post, I hope I made some sense, I'm just very tired and have had a rough day (re: that friend) and need some eyemakeup remover for my racoon mascara smears and a good book in bed now I think. hang in there, it sounds like you're on the right track.

[DarkendHour]

Meg I'm sorry your having a hard time with your friend right now.

Update = So my best friend is just scared shitless that she is going to lose me. She is worried that one of these times I'm going to either get locked up for a long time or I'm going to do something stupid, whether I mean to or not.

She is having a hard time right now, even though I don't think she sees it yet or maybe she does but doesn't think that I see it.

I never know what to do when she gets like this, I mean I am there for her as much as she lets me be but its not like I can call up her pdoc or tdoc and tell them I'm worried about her.... or could I?

I have her tdoc's number.. should I call and just say something like... "I know you can't tell me anything or even confirm that ______ is your client but I'm very worried about her because [fill in the blank with why]. I just wanted to let you know because I don't know what else I can do."

When my best friend has gone down this road before she has always gotten extremely suicidal and at times homicidal in the end and has been put into the mental heath facility for her own safety as well as others.

Any suggestions?

[tryp]

I have her tdoc's number.. should I call and just say something like... "I know you can't tell me anything or even confirm that ______ is your client but I'm very worried about her because [fill in the blank with why]. I just wanted to let you know because I don't know what else I can do."

I have had this done to me before (my academic adviser called my pdoc behind my back and said almost exactly that) so if you want to do that, it's not without precedent.

I don't know your friend well enough to say whether you should or how she would take that, but it can be done. I wasn't too mad when it happened to me. Was pretty appreciative, actually.

[DarkendHour]

I think I'll just take a little more time to think about if I should call or not. I know my best friend is going to see her tdoc on monday, so pretty much I have until Friday morning to decide if I want to call or not.

As far as if it will upset my best friend that I called her tdoc... If its going to help her I don't really care if she gets mad at me, she knows that I love her and that I would do anything for her.

[tryp]

I think it's a good idea to take some time.

It sounds like you're really trying to be a good friend to her, so I'm sure you'll make the right decision, whatever that may be.