Ms. Nico Posted July 26, 2009 Share Posted July 26, 2009 Hello, this is my first post here. Please excuse my poor english and lousy grammar, as it's not my native tongue. During the last months and weeks, I've experienced some truly weird stuff. I was just wondering if someone an this board has made similar experiences, as I'm starting to get quite worried. I'm female, 26 years old, and I've suffered from mild insomnia and mood swings for years. Sometimes I fell overly emotional and sad, and other times I seem to feel nothing at all. That has never worried me too much as I've always had it under control. So I simply accepted it as a part of my personality. But lately I've started to experience some really strange things. During the last month, there were two rather extreme situations. In both cases, I've met with friends and we drank alcohol. I'm not someone who drinks a lot though, usually onla a beer or two on the weekends when I'm meeting with friends. Since then, I haven't touched alcohol again. The meetings themselves were rather unspectacular. But in the days and weeks after them, I've started to remember things from these evenings that never happened. I only found out about that when I apologized to someone for something that never happened and asked another friend about a long conversation we had which apparently never took place. I don't remember just isolated scenes either. At first, it was as if I remembered the "normal" evening and another evening in my mind. I wasn't able to tell which one was real and which was not, so I just assumed that all of the things have really happened. When I noticed that most of my memories seemed to be false, I assumed that I've experienced a really weird dream. That might very well be, but if that's the case I seem to have difficulties telling my dreams from reality. I'm not so sure that it's just been a dream now though, as my false memories have begun to change. Whenever some told me: "That wasn't real, that never happened", I've immediately developed other "memories", completely with dialogue, background noise and all the little details which make a scene seem real. And they always seem real to me. In my mind, I now have several complete memories of the same evening which all seem authentic to me. I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between imagination and reality if I hadn't asked my friends. And even right now, I'm not entirely sure what was real and what was not, as my "false" memories feel somehow more real than the "authentic" ones. This is so confusing. I've stopped asking people questions about the incidents, as I'm worried that even my current memories have never happened. I can't stop thinking about them, though, it's as if I somehow force myself not to think of anything else. This is so strange. Additionaly, my sleep problems have become worse during the last weeks, this occured after I developed the false memories. I don't believe I've slept at all between monday and thursday, even though I've been dead tired. Right now it's a bit better again, but only because I've taken something that helped me sleep. I can't seem to concentrate on my work either, somehow I'm always distracted by the smallest things. And I've developed a lack of appetite during the last weeks. I can't eat properly, because I feel sick whenever I try to eat something or even just open my fridge. I've already lost quite a bit of weight because of this. I'm quite concerned about all the things that have been happening lately. Has anyone here made similar experiences? Is this just related to the insomnia or could this be indicative of a different problem? I'm pretty confused right now. Thanks, Ms. Nico Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Choosing_the_blue_pills Posted July 26, 2009 Share Posted July 26, 2009 When I had my first psychosis I developed false memories like you have, and I also had sleeping problems like you had. Just like you I finally fell asleep after taking sleeping pills. Not sure if you are experiencing psychosis though, there is no information in your post that suggests it. Given what you have said here, it is highly advisable that you contact a pdoc and describe your problems in full detail. I don't know what kind of category the memory problems would fall under, only that I've had the same memory problems. And you also need to talk about your mood swings. So call your hospital as soon as possible and make an appointment with a pdoc. Oh, and welcome to crazyboards. I hope you will like it here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms. Nico Posted July 26, 2009 Author Share Posted July 26, 2009 Thank you! Yeah, I'll make an appointment as soon as possible. The situation is very confusing and I'd like to make sure that it's nothing too serious. Having false memories is pretty worrying, especially since I've never had anything like this before. It's interesting that I'm not the only one who has experienced this. I don't think it's a psychosis in my case, though, at least I hope so. I've no delusional thoughts, no paranoia and I've never had any visual or acoustical hallucinations. The only thing I've ever experienced that could count as a hallucination was a strange smell of fire that apparently wasn't actually there. But I've only had this maybe four or five times, and that was a long time ago. Other than that, I'm only experiencing the symptoms I've described above. Sometimes I feel a bit confused or have trouble finding the right words, but it's nothing severe and I don't think it's associated with my current problems, I think that's just me being me. I'm really no expert, so I don't know if a psychosis develops gradually, if that's the case maybe my current symptoms and false memories could be some early sign of it. I really hope that's not the case, though. But yeah, I'll definetly talk to a pdoc about all of my symptoms, it's better to be safe than sorry. I'm sure he'll be able to help me find out whats going on. Who knows, maybe it's really only a lack of sleep. I certainly hope so. And thanks for the welcome, I'm sure I'll like it here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Choosing_the_blue_pills Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 I'm quite sure that it is not psychosis in your case. Initially I did not believe that there existed such a thing as false memories. I've seen another person on this forum describing something similar. And I've read some things on the internet about people that was convinced they had childhood memories that they really did not have, but this is not exactly the same thing. One psychologist I talked to called what happened to me reality shift (I think, because as you also understand, it's difficult to know exactly what happened), but when I looked that up I got references to sci-fi and to people really believing that the past would change because the memories would change. The last part is clearly a delusional thought. It gets really difficult knowing things for sure when there becomes problems with memory like this. I have seen that there is such a thing as confabulation on wikipedia, maybe that is what it is called. Oh, and I've also had problems with not finding the right words. The start of these false memories was that I remember that I had difficulty remembering a certain meeting, but the memory loss was not alcohol induced in my case. I have had alcohol induced memory loss before, but that was many years ago now, and not associated to the psychosis. Lack of sleep for several days can probably do all kinds of strange stuff to people. If you find any information on this problem, please share it by posting here or PM me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms. Nico Posted July 27, 2009 Author Share Posted July 27, 2009 Yes, I'll share any information I find on this topic. It's a rather curious thing. Though I'm pretty sure it isn't psychosis in my case, too. The funny thing is, I do not suffer from alcohol induced memory loss at all. I remember everything that happened, but have additional "memories", too. It's as if I've experienced four or five different evenings at the same time. And I really couldn't tell which set of memories was real if my friends hadn't told me. As a matter of fact, the real memories are the ones that feel the most "unreal". As I've said, it's very confusing as the line between dream/imagination and reality gets pretty blurred. Ah, well, I've got an appointment with my pdoc next week, so I hope I'll get some answers then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluelikejazz Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 That sounds really scary. If there is some MI stuff going on you're in a good place. I wish I found CB when I first became unwell. Welcome, I hope you can get some support here and I hope your pdoc can give you some answers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mayteana Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Ms. Nico, The brain needs sleep to function. Not sleeping from Monday - Thursday can make you hallucinate. That has nothing to do with psychosis - it can happen to anyone who goes without sleeping for too long. You really should see a doctor about your memory problems and the insomnia. It you need to take something to get enough sleep - then speak to a doctor about doing that. Let us know how it goes. ~ May Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Choosing_the_blue_pills Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 The funny thing is, I do not suffer from alcohol induced memory loss at all. I remember everything that happened, but have additional "memories", too. Ok. In my case I remember thinking that I had problems remembering, but since then I remembered what I think is the real meeting. I did get things that seem unreal attached at the end of the meeting several times, in chronological order such that it continued from the last memory of the meeting. I also got things attached at the end of another meeting. I then got memories of several meetings that never happened, several memories of things that was said to me by a person with various degrees of probability that they had happened, a memory of a phone call that never happened, a memory of an email that when I tried to search for it was not there, and other things as well. Some of the memories were strange in the way that I remember talking to a person at a certain location, but I don't remember getting there or anything surrounding it. The only way i can tell that they are not real is that I aknowledge that I've been in a psychosis and that there exist such a thing as false memories. I then realize that some of the memories are not very probable to have happened, that I can never know for sure what happened and I just let it go and don't think about it further. There is no other way for me to distinguish false from real memories. Good you have an appointment next week, please tell how it went afterwards. It is intresting to find someone with roughly the same problem as myself. At some point in the future I think you also need to just accept what has happened and let it go, but maybe you don't need to do that yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms. Nico Posted July 27, 2009 Author Share Posted July 27, 2009 Yeah, a lack of sleep can do funny things to your mind. It's good to know that there might be a completely logical reason behind the weird stuff I've been experiencing. My doc gave me new meds for my sleeping problems today, I hope they'll help. The worsening of my sleep habits came after the weird memory stuff, though. But still, I've struggled with mild insomnia for years so this could really be a factor with my memory issues. @choosing the blue pills It is interesting to see that I'm not the only one who has experiences something like that. What you describe sounds very similar to what I'm experiencing right now. Some of the false memories do seem strange, but they feel completely real to me. You're probably right that the only thing I can do about this is to just let it go. I've got to stop thinking about this so much. But some of the memories just make me feel so damn guilty that it's almost giving me physical pain and that's really hard to ignore. Ah well, let's see what the pdoc has to say about the scary stuff. I think the thing that bothers me is that I've never experienced something so surreal before. I've always had mild issues with mood swings and general sadness, but there was never something like that before. Not being able to trust your memory sucks, but I'm sure you know that. What really bothers me the most is that some of my friends have started to withdraw from me. Not just because of the memory stuff, but because I haven't been doing too great for a while. While some of my friends are worried and have told that I should look for help, others have told me that I've changed/worsened so much and that they've got no wish to deal with my issues. It's kind of hard to deal with that when you're feeling so good anyway. It's very understandable from their point of view, though. But pretending that you're doing great while the opposite is true doesn't feel right for me either. Eh. I'm sure I'll learn how to deal with this given some time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Choosing_the_blue_pills Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Not being able to trust your memory sucks, but I'm sure you know that. Yeah, I do. What really bothers me the most is that some of my friends have started to withdraw from me. Not just because of the memory stuff, but because I haven't been doing too great during for a while. While some of my friends are worried and have told that I should look for help, others have told me that I've changed/worsened so much and that they've got no wish to deal with my issues. It's kind of hard to deal with that when you're feeling so good anyway. It's very understandable from their point of view, though. But pretending that you're doing great while the opposite is true doesn't feel right for me either. Eh. I'm sure I'll learn how to deal with this given some time. Hmm, that sounds problematic. Don't really have any good advice there, I think this is an issue many people here struggle with. You have at least come to the right place when it comes to talking about MI issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms. Nico Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 Yes, I think it's a good idea to discuss MI issues here. It's interesting to get feedback from people who have experienced similar things. Sometimes, sharing the craziness feels like a good idea. I found out that the sleeping pills my doc prescribed to me, Ambien, work really well for my insomnia. I've slept almost six hours, which is quite a lot for me. It triggered some acoustical hallucinations, though. Had to check if there were people in my apartment because there was some loud talking going on. But it didn't keep me from falling asleep and it wasn't scary, so it was totally worth it. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to concentrate on my work today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Choosing_the_blue_pills Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Good that you got some sleep. Remember to mention the hallucinations to your pdoc. Hope things go well for you. Keep us updated on how it goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms. Nico Posted August 1, 2009 Author Share Posted August 1, 2009 Thanks. Yeah, I'm getting some sleep now. In fact, I'm tired all the time now and could stay in bed all day long. It's quite difficult to get anything done at all. Not so great either, but it beats spending three days without any sleep at all. At least now I can keep my eyes open. But my memory problem seems to be getting worse. This is getting so strange and confusing. Apparently, I've talked with a friend of mine. The conversation happened about a week after the last strange incident, maybe two weeks ago or something like that. But the funny thing is - I can't remember this conversation at all. It's completely gone from my mind, like it never happened. Instead, I've got a completely different memory which includes some parts of the talk, but in a completely different situation, in a different location and with a completely different outcome. And this time, I haven't drunk any alcohol. I can't even trust my memories anymore. I thought that weird stuff happened only the two times I mentioned in my first post. But it seems to be happening more frequently lately. And I've been told that I've done some strange stuff, like deleting telephone numbers out of a friends cell phone without any reason at all. But until yesterday, I was completely convinced that it was someone else who did this, another friend of mine. I have seen her do this and have talked with her about it. But apparently, that hasn't happened at all, it was me who did it. I don't know what's going on anymore, it's very scary. If I can't trust my own perception of reality anymore, then what can I trust? This sucks so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Choosing_the_blue_pills Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 Apparently, I've talked with a friend of mine. The conversation happened about a week after the last strange incident, maybe two weeks ago or something like that. But the funny thing is - I can't remember this conversation at all. It's completely gone from my mind, like it never happened. Instead, I've got a completely different memory which includes some parts of the talk, but in a completely different situation, in a different location and with a completely different outcome. I don't think I have experienced this, although it is of course hard to tell. And I've been told that I've done some strange stuff, like deleting telephone numbers out of a friends cell phone without any reason at all. But until yesterday, I was completely convinced that it was someone else who did this, another friend of mine. I have seen her do this and have talked with her about it. But apparently, that hasn't happened at all, it was me who did it. Well, I have believed that somebody had removed pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, when in fact I had put one in my pocket without reason and without remembering it. And I have memories of people doing things they have not done. But I don't have the combination of remembering someone changing something in physical reality when it was me who did it. I don't know what's going on anymore, it's very scary. If I can't trust my own perception of reality anymore, then what can I trust? This sucks so much. Been there myself. Acceptance of increased uncertainty is I think necessary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms. Nico Posted August 3, 2009 Author Share Posted August 3, 2009 Huh, memory can be a strange thing indeed. The thing with the jigsaw piece sounds similar to what I've experienced. I think you're right, it's important that I accept that I'm not entirely sure what happenend. It's definitely better than thinking about the "what-if's" all the time. It's giving me a headache anyways. But I am sure this will take some time. Still, I'm curious what my pdoc will say to the memory issues. I've got my appointment tomorrow, so I'm going to ask him about it. Who knows, there might be something I can do about it. It's definitely not something I want to get used to if I don't have to. Is this problem with the false memories still bothering you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Choosing_the_blue_pills Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 No, the false memories don't bother me anymore, thankfully. I don't get new ones and the old ones don't bother me. Not sure if the medication I take has something to do with it. But I do have other problems from the psychosis that still bother me. One thing is that I'm afraid that my memory is not remembering all that it should, and also that this could be a remaining negative symptom from the psychosis. It does not disturb me very much, I don't worry about this very much but I do think about it sometimes. I kind of had difficulties remembering certain things before the psychosis as well. I'm also curious what the pdoc has to say so keep posting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms. Nico Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 I'm sorry your memory is still bothering you sometimes. But it's probably a good thing that you've stopped worrying about that too much. I've got holes in my memory, too, but I try to ignore them most of the time. My pdoc is treating me for major depression right now. But he was very concerned about the false memories and some other things, like my sensitivitiy to light or fear of other people talking about me behind my back/watching me through my window. He told me that this could be some form of paranoia, which never occured to me before. I always thought it was just part of my insecurities. Anyway, he said that things like that could indeed indicate a psychosis. But he told me that it's possible to develop some psychotic symptoms during a severe depressive episode, too. So he's trying to help me with my depression first. If the med works and the strange memory stuff doesn't disappear, we're going to try something different. Huh, I guess I'll just have to see. But I really hope the symptoms are related to my depression. I certainly don't feel psychotic, so I think there's a good chance that this might work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Choosing_the_blue_pills Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Ok, thanks for letting me know. Please post again if you got some update on the false memory thing. There is an entire board dedicated to depression, people post there frequently and a lot of people here have depression, so you will not be alone there. I've also had depression several times. False memories are a little bit more uncommon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms. Nico Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 Thank you. Yes, I'll take a look at the depression board. Maybe this can help me learn how to deal with things better. Getting support from people who've experienced the same thing is something that can help a great deal, I think. Friends and family can be a great help too, but it's often kind of hard for them to deal with it. Shortly after I started my meds I've had a real "high". I had such a great day, got all my work done in half of the time and was talking a mile a minute. I think it might have been a side effect from my med, but who knows. The evening of the same day was horrible, though. I just kind of crashed and felt so down that I couldn't leave my bed at all. I've also had strong feelings of guilt which caused me to feel physical pain. Whenever I thought of anything that made me feel guilty my arms were burning. I've never had this before, but it has only occured once. I really hope it was a side effect, it wasn't pleasant. I've experienced no new false memories during the last days, at least none that I am aware of. But I've been experiencing deja-vus quite frequently for a few weeks now. Usually this happens two or three times every day. And it seems that I've forgotten some "real" things that happened during the last weeks. A few days ago these memories came back, but it seemed so sudden and unlikely that I couldn't remember these things that I thought they weren't real as well. It's very strange. This weekend, I've also felt as if my field of vision was expanding. I could see even the smallest details out of the corners of my eyes and somehow saw colors more clearly and more intense. Shortly, I've also thought that I could see shadows and movements of people who were standing slightly behind me, but I know this can't be true. Still, it was a curious experience. I've never had that before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Choosing_the_blue_pills Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 I would like to put to your attention that there is a thread called Memory...help? in the panic attack board. The new member Realiity describes problems with false memories. Burning arms out of guilt sounds strange, hope it will not happen again. I'm not sure if I had dejà vu during my episodes, but I remember either thinking I had it or thinking I was going to say that I had it. It is of course possible that some of the memories I think are fake are real and vice versa. I've never had changed perception so can not comment on that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms. Nico Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 Thank you, I will check that thread. Memory problems seem to be uncommon, but not completely unheard of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms. Nico Posted September 3, 2009 Author Share Posted September 3, 2009 Ever since I've been on my meds, the memory problems are getting better. So yeah, I suspect they are related to the depression/possible bipolar disorder in my case. My pdoc said that rapid mood swings can cause memory troubles because the brain is overwhelmed with the many different impressions. He hasn't ruled out the early stages of psychosis in my case yet, though. But since the meds are really helping, I'm confident that this isn't the case. I'm feeling so much better since I'm on the meds, I can't even begin to describe it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluelikejazz Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 It's good to know that you are feeling much better. Lets hope it stays that way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms. Nico Posted October 12, 2009 Author Share Posted October 12, 2009 Just a quick update. Moodwise, everything seems to be okay right now. No depression, no rapid mood swings, no trouble sleeping. I other ways, I'm doing not so well right now. The strange memory troubles are starting to affect my everyday life. All the time I've got to ask the people I'm close to if I really said / did the things I clearly remember doing. Usually, the answer is "Nope, this one was all in your head." This sucks. The line between reality and dreams / strange memories have become so blurry that it gets really confusing. I even remember a four day trip to Hamburg that never happened, including nights full of clubbing, fights with my friends, car troubles and conversations I've had with strangers. It's a very weird feeling. Additionaly, I think I've just experienced my first "true" visual hallucinations. Last friday, my cousin stayed with me. She was already asleep and I was watching tv. When I turned to take a look at her, I saw a strange man standing in my bedroom, staring at me. I knew he wasn't really there, though. So I just looked at him for a few minutes. When he wouldn't disappear, I simply turned around in my bed, trying to ignore it. But then I saw the shadow of a monster with wicked claws crawling along my wall, moving towards me and reaching for me. I tried to ignore that, too. Somehow, I managed to fall asleep a few hours later. A day later, I went to the bathroom. And I could swear that I heard my shower curtain growling at me. Had to make sure a couple of times that there was noone behind it. I guess I was wrong with my impression that I was doing so much better. I hope I'll get this sorted out somehow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest FORNOWunknown Posted November 27, 2010 Share Posted November 27, 2010 I stumbled across this site a search engine and was wondering if anyone can be of any help? I recently had an experience with a family member(inlaw),in which she advised me to stop lying about my military service, I am proud of my service to this country and would proudly serve again. My problem is when I contacted National Archives they show no service past 8 weeks @ which time I was classed as ELS medical. I have very vivid memories of my service, the people I served with and the action of combat. So to find this out upset me to no end, so I set down paper and pencil in hand to chronograph my memories and found I have to many memories for my years. Since I received a copy of my official discharge, thru my mother, I know these memories are false. I have also discovered other discrepancies in time line but since I can find no evidence to prove which are real and which are not, I do not let these memories bother me. My military service, or disservice, are the ones that bother me, they belittle the service of others that actually served for more than 8 weeks. Why would people allow you to continue to believe these things when they know they aren't true? I have always suffered from intense migraines and other headaches that have lasted for more than a week since I was a child of eight, these are not false memories, I have my records because of other health issues,and have had numerous CT and MRI scans and have no physical trauma to account for these headaches or the memories. In respect to the information I have received I will contact a Dr, but can anyone tell me have you ever had memories in such vivid detail that they mirror time lines with other memories? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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