Jump to content

Best Friend Issues


DarkendHour

Recommended Posts

Started out as a blog but I really need advice.

My main cellphone broke itself on the 16th of September. I had my Safelink phone as backup. Only 68 minutes on it (thats what they give you each month).. so obviously its not going to last long.

I TOLD my best friend this... told her I couldn't send or even read text on my main phone, told her I couldn't call out on my main phone and I could ONLY answer calls. Told her I was running out of minutes on the Safelink so I wouldn't be able to get a hold of her that way either.

Finally fixed my main cellphone last night.. that was a stupid ordeal in of itself... but anyway....

the FIRST thing I did when I thought it might be working is send my best friend a text message...

I know its late but i think i finally have a phone again.. Wanted 2 say hi n I love you

So thats good right? My first thought when I thought the phone was fixed was to send my best friend a text....

This is what she sent me the next morning....

U ignored me in every way for 2 weeks. Sorry but I love u doesn't even begin to cover it

Ok I was seeing freaking red.. if smoke could pour out of my ears it would be.

So WTF am I supposed to do??????

Let me add in.... she in no way tried to get a hold of me in any other way... thus how the hell did I ignore her in every way??? I also couldn't get a hold of her... she gets mad if i send her anything on the computer because if she is sleeping it wakes her up (even random naps).. also she gets pissed if anyone shows up at her door without first calling... so.......?????

I didn't even try to contact her today... I know me.... that would be a BAD idea.

I really don't know what the right thing to do here is...

Knowing me without some advice its going to go one of two ways,

1) I bitch her the fuck out hurting her, making her cry, making her very very upset....

I know how this goes with me, If I can make my sister shake uncontrollable and cry her eyes out and we were not even that close... I can't even begin to think of how bad I could hurt my best friend should I let this happen.... its not that I try to do this... I snap.. I literally feel a change take over me... I feel nothing but rage.

2) I make this all better, I place the blame completely on myself yet again... anything to make it better and make her not hurt. Anything to make my best friend happy, this is what I almost always do... even if I hurt for doing it, even if it causes me to cry later on... as long as she is happy thats all that matters.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know neither of these are good things to do... but for the life of me I don't know how else to handle things... in my mind there are only two options, flip out -or- put it all on me... there has GOT to be a better way... right?

If it wasn't for the fact we have been best friends for 10 years and I really care about her I wouldn't be putting so much thought into this.... I just don't know what the right thing to do is.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The right thing to do is neither one. Keep your distance, cool off, and think this through.

Going on the attack isn't right, and apologizing isn't going to do it at this point. You're better off retreating to neutral corners and waiting for everyone concerned to calm down.

When a few days have gone by you will both see things differently. Maybe at that point you could get together for coffee or a meal and agree to talk and be civil to each other.

But that's down the road. Just back off and don't do anything just yet.

olga

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I knew enough to not contact her today... thats a good thing. I will wait longer.

Here is the problem... I don't know what the right thing to do is period. I don't understand how it works.

Its not the attack or apologies just for this.... thats how I handle every situation.

So I guess my question really is... what does everyone else do?

Think of this in terms of telling someone how to make toast with butter on it.... when they don't know what toast or butter is.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There's a balanced option between the two. If you go into attack you will have lost the friendship, and if you take the other route it will pacify the friendship for a little while, but then it's likely that you will feel resentful. Either way doesn't help you to set healthy boundaries, y'know?

If I were in your situation i'd feel hurt and angry that my friend was being so immature. I'd probably wait until I wasn't so angry, and then call her (I've done fights over text message and it tends to end very badly). Maybe you could start with "I'm sorry you felt ignored, and i'm confused as to why you felt like this. I wasn't trying to ignore you, my phone ran out (etc) and I got the feeling that I shouldn't contact you by computer. How would you have liked to contact me?".

I hope it works out. I always feel so awful when i'm fighting with people. If it's a pattern you see a lot it might be a good thing to bring up in therapy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can you mail her a note, and say something like;

" Hi [name];

I rec'd your text message on [date]. I do recall telling you that I wouldn't have the use of my phone for a couple of weeks because [you can briefly explain here], and so I wouldn't be able to be in touch with you. If you have a different recollection or have different concerns, let's meet about it over lunch [dinner, etc]. I share your hurt feelings and would like this situation resolved soon, so we can enjoy our great friendship again."

Does that work?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Really good ideas!!!

I'm not in the upset mode so much anymore... just more of the confused now what mode.

Maybe I will write her an e-mail and send it to her at a time when its most unlikely she will be sleeping. That way I can take my time and use the suggestions from you guys.

Also it won't put her on the spot to answer right away... maybe she will think before saying something mean?

Is this a good idea?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

See, every situation is different and people are different, so I don't know that the whole toast and butter thing really applies.

Anyway, first of all, I think you need to get yourself to a point where you aren't fuming, but, instead, you can be level-headed and be able to have a conversation about the situation in a rational way versus an emotional way. Of course you have emotions about this, but so does your friend. That is the problem. I think that once this is resolved *rationally* you guys could even talk about the feelings that went along with the situation and ways to prevent these types of things from happening again.

One thing, though. I am still a bit confused about the computer thing:

Let me add in.... she in no way tried to get a hold of me in any other way... thus how the hell did I ignore her in every way??? I also couldn't get a hold of her... she gets mad if i send her anything on the computer because if she is sleeping it wakes her up (even random naps)

Call me ignorant, but I am a little confused about how sending an email can really disturb someone. I mean, if she is the type of person who keeps AIM open and on full volume, I get how an IM can be annoying (even though that is her issue bc she can easily turn off the volume), but an email...?

So, here is where I say that you can *start* by sending an email if you do not want to begin with talking (afraid of it getting heated). I think that you should explain to her exactly what happened with your phone issues and everything... bare-bones, factual analysis, completely devoid of excuses. Then you can start another paragraph stating how you didn't really know how to get in touch with her if not by phone, and you didn't want to be a disturbance or inconvenience her. See, I think you should approach the lack of communication *that* way and *not* by asking her accusatory questions that will most definitely put her on the defensive, i.e. "How the hell did I ignore you if I couldn't get a hold of you?" This is something you want to resolve and playing the blame-game is *not* going to help do that.

Then comes the next paragraph: the apology. Yes, the apology. You are not innocent in this. Yes, she might be going off the handle a little bit, but I do not blame your best friend for being upset that you did not contact her at all in 10 days. You might see it differently, but obviously she is hurt by it. Therefore, I think that it is only fair that you apologize for hurting her feelings and for any possible misunderstandings that happened between the two of you. The friendship means a lot to you, you love her very much, and you don't want it to be strained by this. You guys already went for 10 days without talking, so why go for any longer? Oh,and *it will never happen again.*

Then you probably have to be prepared for her to be a little angry and to possibly let off some steam. Honestly, though, since you guys have been friends for TEN years, I really do not see it ending over a 10-day lack of communication, you know.

Maybe I am completely off base.

Whatever you choose to do, good luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Weird. Does she usually get bent out of shape over nothing?

I would send an email...good idea. Write it when your calm and take your time to formulate your thoughts. Don't put blame on either one of you. And don't forget to re-read it to make sure you didn't write anything that could come off the wrong way!

Writing is always best for me. I suck at formulating my feelings into words (writing or speaking but BIG TIME with speaking). I get too distracted, forget what I was saying, say weird things...usually with the other person looking in the most bizarre way. With writing, on the other hand, I can take my sweet time. Write, reread, edit, write more, reread, edit, write, re.....SEND!

Good luck ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Ophelia.

One thing, though. I am still a bit confused about the computer thing:

Let me add in.... she in no way tried to get a hold of me in any other way... thus how the hell did I ignore her in every way??? I also couldn't get a hold of her... she gets mad if i send her anything on the computer because if she is sleeping it wakes her up (even random naps)

Call me ignorant, but I am a little confused about how sending an email can really disturb someone. I mean, if she is the type of person who keeps AIM open and on full volume, I get how an IM can be annoying (even though that is her issue bc she can easily turn off the volume), but an email...?

She has one of those blackberry phone things... she has it set to where she gets all e-mail, im's, myspace/facebook updates sent to it... and an alarm goes off on her phone when she gets one.

Then comes the next paragraph: the apology. Yes, the apology. You are not innocent in this. Yes, she might be going off the handle a little bit, but I do not blame your best friend for being upset that you did not contact her at all in 10 days. You might see it differently, but obviously she is hurt by it. Therefore, I think that it is only fair that you apologize for hurting her feelings and for any possible misunderstandings that happened between the two of you. The friendship means a lot to you, you love her very much, and you don't want it to be strained by this. You guys already went for 10 days without talking, so why go for any longer? Oh,and *it will never happen again.*

I agree I am part to blame... but unless she calls me, we send text messages/computer messages or are actually face to face thats the only way we talk. I know I'm stupid for being so scared of the phone that I can't call her... some day I hope I can work past that... but its been this way for years now, so that part is nothing new to her. I did keep my AIM thing open the entire time I was out of a phone, just in case she came on... so I could talk to her, or if she wanted to talk to me. She never came on though (i'm on the computer all day/night)

Then you probably have to be prepared for her to be a little angry and to possibly let off some steam. Honestly, though, since you guys have been friends for TEN years, I really do not see it ending over a 10-day lack of communication, you know.

This is the part that really scares me... she can be horribly mean when upset. She can black out as well. Thats why I always went the "I'm sorry, its my fault... make everything better" route with her... I flipped out on her once... only once... and that was many many years ago.... and over something a lot bigger than a 10 day lack of communication.

I don't want to flip out on her, I am past that point now that I would do it.... I don't want her to flip out either, not just because it scares me but because I know how upset it makes her after its happened even more so if she had blacked out... its not just words with her, she can and has gotten violent (not with me).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

ksh,

I'm the same way...

When I write I tend to be able to get things out the way I want them to (most of the time), talking forget it.

I don't even always say the right words.. like random words pop in. Also I can never remember what I was going to say (if its something that was planed)

Writing I read, re read, re read again, again, again, again........ then once more and send lol.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Ophelia.

One thing, though. I am still a bit confused about the computer thing:

Let me add in.... she in no way tried to get a hold of me in any other way... thus how the hell did I ignore her in every way??? I also couldn't get a hold of her... she gets mad if i send her anything on the computer because if she is sleeping it wakes her up (even random naps)

Call me ignorant, but I am a little confused about how sending an email can really disturb someone. I mean, if she is the type of person who keeps AIM open and on full volume, I get how an IM can be annoying (even though that is her issue bc she can easily turn off the volume), but an email...?

She has one of those blackberry phone things... she has it set to where she gets all e-mail, im's, myspace/facebook updates sent to it... and an alarm goes off on her phone when she gets one.

Ohhhh, she's one of *those* people. Excuse me, but I just have a phone used to call people and sent texts. My question: If she chooses to go all out and have the alarms on for emails, AIM, facebook, myspace, and everything else under the sun, what right does she have to get mad at you over an email? 1) It is her choice to have a blackberry, 2) It is her choice to have the alarm set for nearly *everything*. I mean, come on! I know a lot of people with blackberrys and they do not alert for every little thing. Shit, man. Whatever. That's her deal...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear you're having best friend issues. It looks like you've got a lot of good advice. Here's my 2 cents.

When my best friend and I call each other, we often play phone tag for a week (or more) before we catch each other at a good time. We're both really busy (with conflicting schedules). She and I are happy with our agreement. Also, we do sometimes resort to email, if we continue missing each other. The other fun thing is sometimes we'll just leave each other little vm messages telling what's new in our lives. It's nice to hear my best friend's voice on my vm. Makes me smile. I'm sure she feels the same about my messages.

Maybe you and your best friend should draft an agreement of your own?

Best of luck to you both... ;)

spork

ps I'm glad you waited on contacting her. Time can diffuse things a bit.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...