Impossible to Love?

[Guest Cursed From Birth]

Hi. I'm not sure where to begin so I'll start from the beginning of my hell on earth.

I know that sounds so dramatic but it's so true.

I grew up the youngest of 13 in a family from hell. I don't even know all of my siblings because my parents were so screwed up they didn't accept responsibility for all of their children. I found out in my teen years that I had a half sister who I met and possibly twin brothers who I've never met. I wasn't raised to be a "normal" person with real dreams and goals. I was raised to be afraid of everyone and everything. My family is infested with sexually deviant, incestuous pedophiles. My mother was actively involved in my abuse for as long as I can remember. I still can't remember a significant part of my childhood because of all the trauma I suffered. She beat me unmercifully, she molested me and allowed other family members and family "friends" to molest and abuse me until I tried to leave home at the age of 10. I was in and out of foster homes because my family reported me as some kind of delinquent child so they wouldn't get into trouble. I never got help from any of the social workers who were supposed to be there for me. Instead they called me names and told me I was a rotten child for putting my mother through so much. She gained their sympathy by painting this false picture of a single working mom with no help from an abusive husband. She was in fact just as bad as him. They both contributed to the downfall of all of their children. My mom used to laugh at me when I was 5 and used to beg her not to leave me alone with my brother because he was hurting me badly. I remember both her and my sister laughing at me one day when they wouldn't take me with them to the store. I was screaming and crying but they were laughing as if it was the funniest thing on earth. Of course as soon as they left he beat me and forced to perform all kinds of sick things. I used to have bloody panties and constant rashes. I couldn't even take baths sometimes because it hurt so bad. Those are only some of the horrible memories I have. Sometimes I have flashbacks and memories will flood into my head at the worst times. I could be at work and someone says or does something to trigger a memory that will send my mind into an unstoppable whirl of horrible and scary images. Smells, words, phrases, places, people...almost anything can trigger these awful memories. The abuse I suffered as a child has ruined most, if not all, of my life.

At the age of 10 I went from being abused and molested by family to being abused and used for sex by an older boy. In my naive mind, it hurt less to be treated that way by my family than by him. My mother used this situation to label me a delinquent and began calling social services to have me reported as a runaway and have me locked up before I could tell anyone the truth. No one wanted to hear from a little whore like me. No one believed anything I said so I said nothing after a while. I was molested in the foster homes I was sent to. Of course I was the problem so I was just moved whenever something happened. I felt like fresh meat surrounded by hungry animals. What really gets me is that I found out later on that my family had been investigated when I was younger. My mother was forced to either remove my brother from the home or get counseling. Well I don't remember him leaving so I guess she opted for counseling...for all the good it did. Strangely enough, this supposedly happened around the period that I can't remember. I have very few memories between the ages of 6 and 8. I just remember being suicidal from a very young age. I used to swallow any pills I could find. Well, I ended up on the street at age 11. Got pregnant at 12. Had a child at 13. Left home for a year and moved to Philadelphia with my abuser and his family who also had serious drug and abuse issues. During that time I was beaten, sometimes until I was unrecognizable. I came back to my family at the age of 14 malnourished, further traumatized, and pregnant again. I was nearly bald, my teeth were rotting and I was emaciated. My mother brought me to a clinic to have an abortion and did all she could to make the state take away the only one I felt close to - my baby. I tried to leave again because the abuse continued. My brothers and sisters looked for any excuse to hurl hateful insults at me. My sister had a child of her own but that was ok. Mom did everything she could to support her. She was on drugs but that was ok too. After I ran from Philadelphia because I knew he would kill me and possibly my baby my family would let him in the house and he would beat me more. When the police were called they would tell the police that I was crazy and started everything. I really don't understand that. No matter what they said I was a 14 year old little girl with a baby. The house was nasty, my mother had left us to basically fend for ourselves. When I was 15 I was pregnant again. I had my second daughter at 16 and had enough. I just walked out one day and stayed with a "friend" who in turn wanted sex from me. I was staying with him and his mom after all. It was the least I could do. I wanted a place of my own and eventually got one by my mom signing some forms. Here's the catch. She put me up in a slumlord's condemned building, probably hoping I would fail and have to go back to her house for more hell on earth. No, I refused. Even when my building was condemned I hung in there and made sure my children were fed and clean and safe. Mom would drop by periodically to point out what I didn't have and degrade me for being stupid, a whore, a piece of trash, whatever colorful words she could come up with. She would call social services because I could not afford to buy a kitchen table, or a bed, or a crib, or dishes or anything else that she felt was lacking. Of course she wouldn't help me get any of these things but no one seemed to question that. Well eventually I found the courage to throw her out of my apartment and move on with life. I signed up for classes to get my G.E.D. and after finishing with top honors in my school I began college courses. Mom did everthing she could to thwart my plans. Social services was at my door every few months. The pressure became way too much for me and I began beating my oldest child. Not realizing that her defiant behavior was due to the fact that my mother was filling her mind with all kinds of sick things about me. I was still naive enough to think that I could leave my children with this sick woman while I tried to better myself. For some reason I thought it was me, that she hated me but would not harm her grandchildren. I was wrong. She did everything she could to alienate me from friends, other family members, people in the community who were willing to help me and even neighbors. My own children don't care for me. I hate her to this day for that. I never had a decent friend or relationship. If I met a decent man she would tell them all kinds of twisted stories.

Well, fast forward a few years and many abusive relationships later...I met another man who appeared to be my soulmate. It was all fake. He used me like a dog. I got pregnant and he begged me not to abort his child. We were going to be married and he loved me so much everything would work out fine. I found out he was not only a liar but a sociopath as well. He waited until I was too far along for an abortion and began abusing me psychologically and physically. My big mistake was confiding in this monster. We were together for almost 7 years. I had to throw him out of my home because he was abusing our son and using all kinds of drugs behind my back. He brought other women into our home in front of our son. Now I'm afraid I'll live that crap all over again. My son will hate me because he doesn't have his father. He misses him so much sometimes he cries. He's 10 now and I'm so afraid for him. I've been trying to keep my head together for his sake but it feels like I'm falling apart again. You see we moved 2000 miles away from home so I could get away from my crazy family and find work. My daughters are in the same town but our relationship is tenuous at best. When one is upset with me for something they both stop talking to me and don't come to see their brother. I've done so much for both of them but I know I can't make up for such a rocky childhood. I did the best I could with what I had but they don't seem to care. My health is failing. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, severe clinical depression, PTSD and have other problems that stem from a lifetime of abuse. This past month has been pretty bad. My oldest daughter has a guy who's my age, which is really not a big deal on the surface, I did have her when I was only 13. She is 29 now but they started messing around when she was like 12 or 13 so I have some reservations about him. He can't seem to do much to support her but that's the mom in me. Of course I want better for my children. I like him though. He seems to be a decent guy just not too bright. My youngest daughter married young and has 2 children ages 2 and 4. She is 26 but thinks she knows everything about life because she is married with children. On some level she obviously looks down on me for having children but never being married. When I met her husband I thought he was wonderful. He was helpful and seemed driven to make something of himself. He seemed extremely responsible for such a young man. Well, since moving here, he has made it pretty clear that he doesn't care for me or my son and does all he can to keep us both at arms length not only from him but from my daughter and their children. Somewhere along the way, after sacrificing and scraping by to help them get started, I became the enemy. He drinks every single day, sometimes a liter or fifth of liquor. They've had problems but I always supported them in their marriage and raising their children. Now I'm not even allowed to watch the children. My oldest daughter claims it's because of my son but I wonder about that. That's another story. I guess I kind of got off the subject of me.

Well the bottom line is I'm getting sicker everyday and I'm of no use anymore. So I find myself stuck here in the house alone with my 10 year old son with no health insurance and no help. The other day I called my daughter because I was getting sick again. I'm slowing losing my sight and afraid that I may have developed MS or some other serious condition that is causing infections in my eyes. Eventually, without treatment, I may very well go blind but until I can get help I have been sharing medication with a friend. I know I'm not supposed to do this but when you are in pain and can't get treatment you get desperate. Well, I had to leave work early on Friday because I was in pain. By Saturday it was unbearable so I called my daughter and asked if one of them could pick up some medicine for me. I also needed someone to drop my rent in the mail but I wasn't that concerned about rent at the time so I didn't think much of it when no one showed up earlier in the day. She had told me that they were on their way to do the very same thing, pay rent. Well, no one showed up. So I called again in the afternoon around 4:30. My daugher says "Well, I'm going to have to make this quick because [her husband] had to go to work in a couple of hours"...That was fine, I wanted "quick", I couldn't stand the pain anymore. They live less than 10 minutes from my friend and I live about 5 minutes up the road from there. So it was kind of disturbing that after almost 2 hours I got a call from my daughter saying that she was sending her sister and her boyfriend (who can't seem to go anywhere without the other)over to pick up the medicine. She said she had to help her husband get ready for work. I asked if they had left the house already and was told they had not. I was very upset. I asked her if she understood how painful it is to have a damaged cornea and why didn't she let me know right away if she couldn't come. I said to forget it. At this point I was desperate so I took a chance and drove to pick up my own medicine. Thankfully it was almost sundown by then so I could see without the bright sun in my face. It was not the smartest thing to do but damn I couldn't wait anymore. I had been suffering since the night before and the sooner I got the medicine the sooner I would get better. This had happened just a few weeks ago during Labor Day weekend and seemed worse than ever. I was panicked and very afraid.

No one has come to check on us or even called since then. They know I can't drive but they don't seem to care. It hurts me so much I feel like I just want to run again. I feel like I can't even attempt to have close relationships with people anymore. I don't trust anyone to be there for me the way I've been there for them. I've put up with so much crap. My car is damaged because of her drunken husband. They didn't fix it. I lost money on a security deposit when I moved from home because of him. He broke one of my windows so I had to pay for it. I was never reimbursed for it. I've fed them when they had nothing. They stayed with me for over a year until they could get on their feet. It's rediculous! Why?! It seems like money means everything to her drunken loser husband. He makes a big deal out of stupid things like food and snacks. He treats my son like he's some kind of animal at times so I can't even rely on my daughter to babysit anymore. I'm afraid he'll hurt him so I don't leave him over there anymore. He beats on his 2 year old as if he has no sense. I don't know what to do anymore. I hate the world right about now and I'm so sorry I ever wasted my time or money on so many sick people in my life. I'm done! I want to have a decent relationship with my son so I'm trying to work out these past issues as well as the current but nothing seems to work for me. Everytime I feel close to someone they end up hurting me deeply. Should I just give up and move on or hope that my daughter wakes up and sees that this man is manipulating her whole life? I don't know. I have so many problems of my own and I'm so hurt that I don't feel like I can do anything about it. Sometimes my youngest daughter sounds crazy or brainwashed. She doesn't have anything outside of the house. She wouldn't stick to college or working. Now she's stuck in the house relying on this man who I think has slipped into being a manipulative sneak. It worries me but like I said, I'm afraid for her. I was always careful not to criticize or demean either of them. If asked I try to give the best advice and support but now even that is not accepted. It's obvious that he is isolating her and the children but what can I do. I'm just a loser with too many problems of my own.

Well, I guess I got of the subject of me again. I think it's hard for me to separate my own life from that of my children. Stupid me. How could I think that moving away from my sick family to be with the people I cared for the most would have some fairytale ending? It's obvious they don't want me here. I wasn't here for 2 weeks before the stupid behavior began. MY son in law did stupid things like turn on the hot water while I was in the shower or make as much noise as possible while I was trying to sleep. My son is not welcome either. Every move he makes my son in law starts yelling at him, even for simply getting a drink from the fridge or asking for a snack or watching TV.

I know I need to get a life but I can't even muster the courage to begin dating again. I don't have anyone at all here so I want to leave again. I just can't go back home. I never want to see my birth family again but I know I might have to leave here. If for any other reason, just to get health care.

I need help in the worst way but feel I have no one to turn to. I'm trying so hard to stay strong for my son. I truly hope and pray that I don't screw him up too. I went very wrong with my girls and I see that now. My first mistake was not leaving my hometown many years ago while they were small. We could have had a chance then.

Someone once told me that I seemed like I was difficult to love. I could never understand this statement because I have always gone above and beyond to show how much I care for others. I'm beginning to believe this is true. My birth family doesn't love me, my children obviously can't stand me, my "friends" have always screwed me and God knows no man has ever cared if I lived or died. I've always been that convenient f***. Never a wife.

I truly feel cursed from birth with no relief in sight.

It's so depressing I try not to think about it but there it is.

[celestia]

Holy shit, that's quite a story. You really need professional help. If I were in your shoes, I would call the local MH/MR office and ask them what kind of psychiatric services are available on a sliding scale in your county. If the county doesn't administer mental health services for the poor, then ask them where you find out the community health centers that might be available and appropriate care facilities for you.

You definitely do not need to be thinking about a relationship with a man at this point. Not unless you want to keep doing this dance over and over. You have to figure out all of this other crap before you can enter into a healthy relationship.

Resolving generations of abuse is very hard. I know. It requires a fierce commitment to giving your children a different life than you had, and that your parents had. My parents did some pretty unforgivable things with us but I had to get over being a victim and I had to try to understand the family dynamics that put all of the crap into motion in the first place. For you to make this all right again, you probably have some serious amends to make to your kids. Once you figure out why you behave the way you do with them (with the help of a therapist who is well qualified,) you can begin to implement healthier strategies for dealing with what's toxic in your life--and it sounds like most of it is. But don't give up! Lots of us have come from seriously abusive families of origin and can testify to the fact that it is possible to have a new and different life. It's not easy. But it's possible. With changing your life you pretty much get out of it what you give to the process.

Good luck!

[mudpuppy]

I second everything S9 said.

I would try every possible avenue to find some sort of psychiatric help, ASAP.

Even calling Child Protective Services and seeing if they have information about free or reduced mental health services.

Anything is better than where you are at.

[pinkiemarie]

O-o you've got a lot going on. I double what both people said above. Call, call, call, find SOMEBODY to get their ass out there and help you.

[Raquin]

Welcome to CB!

I truly hope you get the help that you need. You deserve help and not to do this all on your own.

[NailFlower]

Cursed From Birth

I read every single word. I understand so much. I too come from a large family and experienced molestation and rape from a very young age by family members...and I also had parents who allowed these things to happen to me. and I also started having children in my teens.

what I have found that helps with the trauma, is therapeutic intervention. You cannot expect help and understanding from your children because they are not trained mental health professionals and even if they were they are too close to you. You need help to deal with all that happened to you in your life. Once you do that, it will empower you to take control of your life and make good choices that increase your personal feelings of satisfaction and happiness. then you won't be dependent on your grown daughter or other family members, on what they do or don't do, to make you feel content and happy with yourself. You will begin to choose good and decent people to be around also; make better friendships and love relationships.

you may find it helpful to know that trauma situations in early life can chemically alter the brain, so you may need medication along with therapy. the only way to get on the path to better mental health is to seek help.