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Hello out there my name is Nancy.

I have been on other mental health blogs but this one seems quite different. There are a lot of choices of where to post and I can see myself in many of them. My "suicidal thought depression" seems to be in remission but I still experience waves of depression lately. I think with the advent of winter .. I don't know.

I have problems with sadness, apathy, not wanting to leave my house, decision making, my existence in general and the fact I believe that life is absurd and meaningless.

I drive myself crazy wanting things to be different, wanting me to be differnet. Wanting some type of explanation for life and our suffering and the cruelty we humans inflict on each other and other living creatures.

I have suffered from depression for probably most of my adult life (I hate to admit it but I am 45 - one would think at 45 that I should have some serenity or grasp on life). Used drugs and alcohol to self-medicate. Got sober when I was 36. Was sober about 6 years when I went into a very very black, bad depression which lasted about 2 years (finally got a new psychiatrist, different, better drugs?). Never knew how bad I was until I started getting better. Have been in a remission about 6 months. Went off birth control pills in January and had a very choppy 3 months before things evened out. Finally seemed to find a good mixture of drugs to keep me on an even keel.

So what haunts my thoughts and drives my behavior and maybe even fuels my depression is my belief (or lack of some type of belief) that nothing really matters. Why should I get involved, put my energy into something that is really nothing in the long run. What will any of this matter in 50 years? I know I only have today but when I am in this state of mind, today sucks. I am not suicidal unhappy, I am just not happy. But who said we have to be happy? I have good days, I have good moods, I have laughs and good times so as I am writing this I can now step back and see that this will pass, like it always does.

But, I am sick and tired of it. Sometimes I think I should just stop taking all my meds and see "who I really am". Sometimes I hate myself so much - maybe it's just my life I hate. But I have a good life. I have a good job, a good friend, 2 great cats and a nice enough place to live. I like my psychiatrist. I mentioned to her about weaning off my meds and she suggested I see how this winter goes before we start cutting back.

I hate going to the grocery store. I do no like interacting with people very much, yet if you met me you would think I was the outgoing type. I can be outgoing for a while and then I can't wait to run home, lock my door and not answer the phone for a few days.

So, there you have me in a nutshell. Paradoxes, gray areas (nothing is black and white to me) - I think I will fit right in.


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Welcome Nancy, I'm new here too. CB is like no other site I've visited and I hope you find what you are looking for here - stop by chat one day ;)

and I'm 41.. so not to worry bout the "'I'm in my 40's and should have my shit together thing" .. one day at a time

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Hi Nancy.

I've never responded to an introduction here before but yours put into words some of my own experiences. I think sometimes depression is a natural reaction to wanting to understand the world and wanting an explanation for its suffering and nonsense. So many of us who know MI intimately seem to feel the pain of living in this world more deeply than those who feel fine much of the time. It's a constant battle to contend with.

I can absolutely relate to the feeling that nothing really matters - and once you're feeling convinced of that, it's hard to see it any other way. I try to pay attention to the really small, nice moments then - like a little kid smiling back at me, nice weather, when someone opens a door for me or pays me a compliment. It's all I can do to limit my vision to this minute, this hour. The more I expand my view, the more hopeless I often feel.

And rushing home to hide out for a few days is anyone's right. Knowing I can do that is what keeps me going on the other days.


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