Edith Ann Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 After I describe this, I know no one here will think this behavior is normal. My friend and I have known each other for 25 years. We work at the same place, and have for the last 25 years. A few years into our tenure, I discovered that she is obsessed with death and the misery and suffering of those afflicted, either by terminal disease, or those who are in mourning over the death or impending death of a loved one. I should also mention that my friend is a reformed alcoholic, but an untreated one. Not a drop has passed her lips in 25 years, but she never received any therapy or medications of any kind. She is still not on any kind of meds. I really don't think she needs to be, I think she is capable of regulating her own behavior, she just doesn't want to. It seems to be giving her ego something she cannot live without. I haven't told her any of this, and I suspect that if I did, it would alienate her for good. I guess she is not hurting anybody, but how could one know that for sure? There are ripple effects to a person's actions. I leave it to you forum members to clue me in on this type of behavior. I have never run across it before, and in my line of work, I run across all kinds. A few years after we started at our full time jobs, she got part time employment at our local funeral home, picking up bodies, talking with families about funeral plans, and manning the front office during services. I asked her why she wanted to do work like this, and she said she just likes "helping" people. I soon came to realize that could not be further from the truth. If any extended family member was dying, if it was within driving distance--she was there. She's Hispanic, you see, so she has a large extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins, not to mention two brothers and five sisters. I realize that in the Mexican culture, families are closer and look after one another more than white American culture, but what I have seen over the last 20 years, has only led me to one conclusion, which I will get to at the end. It's not enough for her to look after her own family, she is at the side of her friends when they are terminally ill, or their spouses. But, she won't lift a finger if someone's just got the flu and needs a few groceries picked up. But if they are dying, or even miserable because of some melodramatic life-changing turn of events, she is there to listen to all their troubles. People seek her out just to have her listen to them. I don't. Sometimes she complains to me that she doesn't have enough time to herself. So I remind her that if she didn't involve herself in everyone's business, and just stuck to immediate family, that would change. She won't hear of it. This past week, a co-workers husband died. She was there for almost 24 hours, trying to keep the wife calm, and to call hospice when he passed. Instead of having her own family at the home with her, she called my friend. The co-worker is not a friend of mine, but I did send her some sympathy flowers the next day. After the man died, my friend returned with a van from the funeral home and took his body there. When the family showed up the following day, my friend left. The widow overestimated the amount of time her husband had left, and that was the reason for the delay of her family. Anyway, after all that happened, my friend was on such a high, she called in sick at work, then called everyone she knew to tell them about it. Even my husband, who does not know either party! When I noticed she had not gone to work (I was off, too) I called her, and I got the whole story. I didn't know the man had died until I talked to her. We spoke for 10-15 minutes, then she warned me that her cellphone was going dead, and I said "I know, I can hear you fading in and out, but I need to jump in the shower pronto anyway". We had finished talking about the death, and had moved on to something else entirely, when her phone went dead. Well, no biggee, I'd already gotten the scoop. So I got in the shower, just as I'd told her I was going to do. So she must have known when she called back 5 minutes later on a borrowed phone, that I was in the shower because I told her I was in a hurry and had to get in the shower! She spoke with my husband, and told him the entire story, too! He of course, did not know that my friend and I had spoken--he was in a different part of the house and didn't know I was on the phone. He then came into the other room, where I was, and began telling me the whole story again, as though I knew nothing about it! She had not, in fact, informed him that she'd already spoken to me. She deliberately called when she knew I would be in the shower, so she could tell my husband all this. Why would she think that he'd care about someone he didn't know, and that I'd only met once? Why did she not assume that I had already told my husband about this? As of this writing, she is still on a major high from this, and is telling everyone she can get to sit still long enough. This kind of behavior for her, is routine. I kid you not, she gets high from being present in the same room when someone is dying, and when they have died. This is not the first time I have witnessed this. Another time, we were in the break room together at work, and she told me about her trip to the grocery store earlier that afternoon. She said she'd seen an older woman, putting flyers up on the windows, and on the windshields of people's cars, because her son had never returned home from work two days hence. No one had seen him. Well, it wasn't enough for my friend to simply read the flyer, or take one to hang up at work, she had to talk to the woman, who began crying of course, as she told my friend of her worries. I don't know about the rest of you, but if I know talking to a stranger about an upsetting subject is going to upset them, I won't talk to them. I always assume that it isn't my business and I don't want to invade anyone's privacy. As it turns out, the young man had crashed his motorcycle on the way home from work, and was killed. His body couldn't be seen due to thick vegetation. So, we had finished speaking about this subject entirely, and were eating silently as another co-worker entered the break room, and sat down to eat. Then my friend suddenly piped up, "So, I guess his body must have been decomposing after being in that swamp for a few days, huh?" I rolled my eyes. The reason she did that, was so the other co-worker, who knew nothing about this, would be interested enough to ask--and she got to tell her story of the upset mother again, and her dead son. She needs this weird ego boost so much, she doesn't even consider how it looks to people who know her well, like me. And I am not the only one. This is just one incident among many, and many of them involve people she doesn't even know. I have decided that the reason she does this is because it makes her feel superior to everyone else. Being present with a roomful or a chapel full of crying people, while she stands off to the side, impassive, emotionless, detached, while she is only one who keeps her head when everyone else if freaking out, allows her to say "I am superior to every person in this room because I am not affected by this. LOOK AT ME! I am unaffected." So what is this? Is it a personality disorder? Honestly I don't think this exactly fits the Mother Theresa complex, and I don't know if I'd call her an emotional vampire either. She is never, ever the cause of anyone's upset, she just feeds off of it. So what's wrong? Is there something wrong with me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raquin Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 I'm sorry I have no advice, but that's really effing creepy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beetle Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 That is strange. I have no advice either. Sounds like some kind of atypical Munchausen by proxy. Where she gets the attention she needs by being there for others when their loved ones die. But it does sound a little creepy. I know that some people feel like it's almost a privlege to be there when a loved one dies. Yanno, that you got to help them through the final moments of their life. I was there when my grandmother dropped to the floor from a massive heart attack and died. And while it was traumatic for me, and I still think about the unpleasant details of it all, I am glad that I was there with her during her final moments. And when I had to take my Dad off life support, I was glad it was me there with him, whether he knew it or not. But those sorts of feelings are usually reserved for people who mean something to you. So I can't attribute that to her behavior. I think she's seeking attention. It's a strange way to do it. Maybe part of her does get kind of a high off of helping people. I don't think there's anything you can or should do about it. Unless you just came out and asked her what's her preoccupation with death. That might be an uncomfortable confrontation. Or she might just laugh it off. edited: I forgot to ask, has she had any traumatic deaths in her family where maybe she felt helpless? Either she couldn't do anything to actually save the person's life or she was unable to console a distraught loved one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edith Ann Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 When she was about 7, her infant brother died because her parents couldn't get him to the hospital in time. And, over 30 years ago, her older brother was killed in a car accident, along with his wife and infant daughter (no seat belts, no car seat). I really don't know how that might have affected her. I didn't know her then. I was thinking along the lines that this is due most to her being an untreated alcoholic. She should have gotten some therapy after she quit drinking, but she never did. Not even AA meetings. Funny, I am the only one who knows she's an alcoholic. Her family doesn't even know this, she was able to hide it from them. So I guess there's some kinds of attention she doesn't want. She does like to pretend she's humble and not attention seeking, but it's obvious to me that she is. She has replaced alcohol and her addictive behavior with this. I suppose she gets a rush of adrenaline, at first, then serotonin. Why else would she continually seek this kind of stimulation? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SashaSue Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 OK,so, if I understand this correctly, your friend likes to be there for people who are dying, or in other kinds of dire sstraits, then afterwards, she likes to talk to people about what happened. Am I missing anything? And you've ascribed all kinds of pathology to these behaviors. I'm not really seeing anything so sinister there. I think maybe she's lonely, and she likes helping people. It kind of sounds like you might on some level be jealous of the attention she receives. It doesn't sound like you like this woman at all, so I'm wondering why you even maintain the friendship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizmo Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 I think your friend's chosen field of work is in the funeral home business. Seriously, it's a high stress business and they are always looking for help. It takes a special kind of person to have the finesse to work with the families one minute and go pick up their loved ones from the place they died the next. My mother worked in a funeral home for five plus years in the office. She had to do everything, from pick people up to "cosmetize" them to help with the embalming process to talk to families to be present at the service. My mother is not a grim, self-centered, or creepy woman in any way. She and her coworkers had the utmost respect for each and every person that she crossed her paths with. While your friend likes to talk a bit more than my mother does about the decedents, she does sound like she may be perfect for the profession. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maddy Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 I should also mention that my friend is a reformed alcoholic, but an untreated one. Not a drop has passed her lips in 25 years, but she never received any therapy or medications of any kind. She is still not on any kind of meds. I really don't think she needs to be, I think she is capable of regulating her own behavior, she just doesn't want to. She's a reformed alcoholic but an untreated one...huh? She doesn't drink, right? So what's the problem? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edith Ann Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 OK,so, if I understand this correctly, your friend likes to be there for people who are dying, or in other kinds of dire sstraits, then afterwards, she likes to talk to people about what happened. Am I missing anything? No, you've got it. But it is to an excessive degree. I've not told you even half of it. Before she got the part time job at the funeral home, she would attend people's funerals that she didn't even know. When I asked her why, she'd say, "I know the family", when in actuality, "the family" turned out to be one or two that she'd just had a passing acquaintance with. I do not think it is proper to attend a funeral where you do not know the decedent, unless you are a close friend, fiance' or spouse of someone who does, and you are attending for their support. This is why I have concluded that she only attends these type of services (where she doesn't know the deceased, or really, anyone there) is so she can observe their grief and suffering. She is getting something out of that. As for talking to any and all, well, we all do that after, for instance, witnessing a horrible accident in which a person was injured, or a child was hurt. What if you'd witnessed someone having a heart attack, and maybe took part in trying to save them? Or saw a drowning person at the beach, and witnessed the life guards drag them to shore and start performing CPR? These kinds of things tend to shake a person up, and they want to to talk about it, to relieve their stress, to deal with trauma, or sometimes, guilt. That is not what she is doing. And you've ascribed all kinds of pathology to these behaviors. I'm not really seeing anything so sinister there. I think maybe she's lonely, and she likes helping people. I do ascribe some pathology to this behavior, and no, I don't see anything "sinister" here either. Just damned weird. It kind of sounds like you might on some level be jealous of the attention she receives. I'm not an attention seeking person at all. I'm not jealous of her, I feel sorry for her in a way. But she pisses me off with this weird shit. That's why I came here, because she's gone and done it again. It doesn't sound like you like this woman at all, so I'm wondering why you even maintain the friendship? I do like her very much. As long as we only have contact at work. I have ceased all contact with her outside of work, but she hasn't seemed to notice. And that's ok with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edith Ann Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 She's a reformed alcoholic but an untreated one...huh? She doesn't drink, right? So what's the problem? I know there must be some medical literature out there on the subject, but if you abuse a drug for years, even if you've managed to hide it from your own family (she could not hide it from some of her co-workers at the time) then stop, cold turkey or not, you need therapy. She told me she did get a prescription for librium to make the detox safe. Alcohol withdrawals can kill without a medication to help. But that was the last time she's touched either. Are you saying that because she never picked up the bottle again, that she never needed therapy? How could someone not after overcoming the disease of addiction? And may I remind you: George W. Bush. The worst case of untreated alcoholism the world has ever seen. And he was sober for, oh, at least his first term! No my friend is not a delusional, arrogant war-monger, but people present differently when they have not learned how to deal with their addiction. Not everyone goes back to drink or drugs, but they will engage in some other addictive behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maddy Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Maybe I've missed this, but what issues do you have? This is a site for crazies by crazies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizmo Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Maybe I've missed this, but what issues do you have? This is a site for crazies by crazies. Me thinks she googled "crazy lady who wants attention of dead peoples' relatives" and found us. Good to know we fit a niche that was *desperately* needing filling BTW, I stand by my original post and think her friend needs to get a job working for a funeral home. Everyone would be MUCH happier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edith Ann Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 Maybe I've missed this, but what issues do you have? This is a site for crazies by crazies. No issues, Maddy. I just wanted to vent, and find out if anyone else here thought her behavior was "crazy". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SashaSue Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 That's not really what this site is for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olga Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Sasha and Maddy are right--this place if for crazy people to offer peer support to one another, and to discuss medications and other treatments. If you want to talk about your friend, maybe find a forum that deals with relationships. olga Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maddy Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Since EA isn't one of us, I'm sticking a fork in this thread. I recommend the site: http://www.fmylife.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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