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Am I the Only One?

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ninja.gif hello. i am the depersonalization NINJA!- as emphasized by the ninja emoticon. yeah its true! what i mean is that nothing seems real or meaningful and i have no emotions yet i very sneakily pretend to be "normal." i think or believe that some people like me cannot hide their disorder as well as i flamboyantly disguise mine with humor and good acting skills. i still understand humor and totally get jokes but my funny bone just will not be tickled. that is why "fake laughing" has become a tallent of mine. the smile i have mastered as well. sympathy- yeah i can fake that too.

i'd pretty much just suck it up if it were not for the one thing that i absolutely have no patience for- i have become asexual and have absolutely 0 libido or interest. i can and will blame this on taking zyprexa for 2 years when i was 17 and 18 even thought that was 11 years ago... i'm 29. i have not fantasized bout anyone since 12 years ago. i am pathetic.

i went 5 years on NO meds at all and the problem has persisted! right now i take 3 meds- any one of them could be keeping me from recovery.

anyways i'm almost too apathetic to care so lets change the subject. :-/

my doctors- both of them- will not believe me when i tell them how i really feel. maybe i out-smarted them unknowingly. maybe, deep down inside i'd rather people not have to understand me because i just don't want people to know that i am uber boring.

in other news- i took benadryl and 50mg trazodone tonight and its already 12 am- yet i'm awake. usually this favorite cocktail of mine would have me snoring like a chain saw. it just might be a bit too early. trying to get off trazodone though cuz it makes me a bit too foggy even though i love its sedating properties! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz smile.gif

i dunno what kind of responses i expect to recieve but it doesn't matter. write what you feel.

does anyone take l-dopa for apathy? i wonder if that might help accross the board but i shall mention that vyvanse and or wellbutrin were not the right fit at all. tried those- made me too wired.

right now- 5mg abilify, 100mg zoloft, 50mg trazodone and benadryl once every other week. i used to be on like 6 meds but since i started seeing a new pdoc, we've taken me down to 3 and reduced alot of dosages. my last pdoc was mistaken in the way that he treated me. fact. my new doc might be able to help me attain the un-medicated life that i want to achieve. it makes me happy that many of you people find happiness on medication but i feel like meds have usually only made thigns worse for me in particular and i feel very strong/stable. i realize that its a mistake to say "i'm cured" after the meds start working but in my case i was actually fine before the meds and my rents have ocd and anxiety- or maybe just character flaws- and they have insisted that i be medicated for acting differently then how they think i should. trust me- i was a good kid. i am a pathetic adult though because of my parents and the zyprexa i once took. i'm sure that there are ways to make things easier on myself though. I could lose that xtra 100lb, exercise, and take on more activities.

this i 1st posted in "crazymeds"

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