Hello

[wolfe65]

Hi,

I'm in love with a woman who wants help. I need it too. I fell deeply in love with her 6 months ago, soon after I met her. I suspect she has pretty severe PTSD. I know I do. Her teenage daughter was taken away from her three years ago, same time her dad died, and her partner of 7 years left. She really had a terrible breakdown. Who wouldn't? We love each other. The first 4 months together were amazing. In the past two months she has started expressing deep rage at me from out of the blue, just when things are good. Especially when I am away from her and with my kids. She tells me it is about testing me, to see if I love her. She says she fears I will abandon her. That she is not good enough for me. Which is absurd. She is wise, amazing, loving. When she does not abuse alcohol, she is so strong and caring. When she hits the bottle, it is agony. She goes from happy to sad to enraged in the space of minutes. Aside from that, she tells me she has daily, intense feelings of doom and emtptyness and numbness she can't deal with; hates herself; tries to repel me to test if I love her. I'm either the best person on the planet or truly evil. It breaks my heart. She says she wants to feel normal. Not repel me, but she does it anyway. She says she fears she is sliding into insanity. So tragic, makes me hurt. She wants help. I need help. I spent years as a war correspondent in my 20s and saw lots of horrible stuff. Still have loads of trauma. I'm 43 now. Divorced for the past 4 years. Two daughters who are with me 5 nights out of 14. I care for her more than I can say. Feel more for her than any woman I have ever met. Know we need help. She said no to that for a long time. In recent days she agrees. Know I am desperate to help her, us. She means the world to me. She is 41. A brilliant, amazing person, crippled by self loathing. Some friends tell me I am a jerk with white knight syndrome. I'm not. I love her. They keep telling me to leave. She threatens to harm herself if I do. That worries me but is not why I stay around. I want to help her. I care for her deeply. I want to help us. And me. But mostly her. She deserves better. She deserves not to feel so bad, empty and isolated. Just don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading, and sorry for writing so much.

[olga]

Wolfe, it's great to have you with us.

Your SO's problems sound pretty severe---is she in therapy? The kind of issues she has can't be cured or solved by all the love in the world. She needs to get help for her PTSD, her self-loathing, and the alcoholism. You can't do it for her.

If she won't go to counseling, then you should be seeing someone. It wouldn't hurt for the two of you to get couples therapy, too.

And I'm assuming she isn't on any medication? It sounds like she is self-medicating with the booze, and you can see how effectively that works. Talk to her about therapy, maybe a 12-step program, and starting on some meds. The people here are very supportive and you can come here and talk to us any time.

We have a PTSD forum that you might want to check out.

Good luck.

olga

[wolfe65]

Wolfe, it's great to have you with us.

Your SO's problems sound pretty severe---is she in therapy? The kind of issues she has can't be cured or solved by all the love in the world. She needs to get help for her PTSD, her self-loathing, and the alcoholism. You can't do it for her.

If she won't go to counseling, then you should be seeing someone. It wouldn't hurt for the two of you to get couples therapy, too.

And I'm assuming she isn't on any medication? It sounds like she is self-medicating with the booze, and you can see how effectively that works. Talk to her about therapy, maybe a 12-step program, and starting on some meds. The people here are very supportive and you can come here and talk to us any time.

We have a PTSD forum that you might want to check out.

Good luck.

olga

Thank you Olga, that is very kind.

She was very hostile in the past when I suggested we both needed therapy. Apart, together.

After a particularly destructive series of phone calls she made to me last night, which she doesn't remember, but we talked about this morning, I raised the idea again, in desperation, today. She actually thought it was a good idea.

I know I can't do anything but suggest it, but she said she'd consider it. Which was an overwhelming relief. I felt so thrilled that she listened to the idea, and did not dismiss it. Or get angry that I had raised it.

She has seen a new age guru in the past few months, who gave her some help. But he has no qualifications, charges outrageous sums, and really, offered very little. I think he is a charletan. I saw him several times at her suggestion, and may as well have purchased snake oil. I saw him, because I wanted to support her actions. It didn't last, which maybe is a good thing. Given he said to her, drink as much alcohol as you like, and cut yourself off from the world. How sad.

I wll now try to find the right person. Which won't be easy. My experiences with a psychologist after I survived several near death experiences in a dangerous country years ago as a news reporter were deeply humiliating. But that's another story.

She has had a very bad experience in the past with a psychiatrist, who told her to have a baby to heal her problems. Advice which outraged her, and still leaves me gobsmacked.

In recent months, I have bottled up my sense of rejection and despair about hurtful, and sometimes hateful, things she said to me. Because I did not want to upset her.

We talked about that, and I promised to stop doing that. She was upset with what she thought was my dishonesty. Which is fair enough. My motives were genuine, but she has every right to demand I tell the truth, as worried as I am about the consequences of that.

She in turn promised to stop hitting the grog so hard. She can go days without drinking. And is a totally different person, for the better, when that happens.

I do know I love her. Care for. Want to protect her. She beats herself up terribly. She is a good person. She suffers such deep torment. It is not fair, and if I can do anything to help, I will.