Hi & glad I found this

[midwestmayhem]

I am debating to start with the *bad* or *good*. I guess on the surface I don't look so bad. I am 39 y.o. female with a great job, 2 loving daughters and friends I've had for 25+ years. However, I have been struggling with serious drug & alcohol issues for about 13 years now. I am guessing I have mental issues/illness that has cropped up in the past 5 or so years to boot. Paralyzing anxiety and racing thoughts that make it impossible to function or pay attention. I manage to hide this shit (d&a plus mental) fairly well but it is, and has been, taking a toll and certainly won't end up pretty in the long-run. Hell, I'm having a 'bad day' and instead of forcing myself to work through the anxiety and lack of focus @ work I'm doing this! Of course I justify it as maybe, just maybe, exchanging with others will help me to finally find a constructive way to deal.

I kicked, sort of, an intense cocaine problem about 4 years ago. However, I still use just not every single day. About 4-5x a month. I can't decide if it is the high-risk, thrill seeking that keeps me from going 100% clean, or mental illness/self-medicating, or just what it is exactly. And I feel like complete and total dogshit every single time. I know exactly what will happen but I do it anyway. Which brings me to the drinking...

Never really considered alcohol a drug of choice for myself. More like a convenient and always abundant drug to mellow some of the anxiousness. I now find myself at times craving alcohol. And when I indulge it is about 90% sure the *other* will follow. Disaster. I do have a question though. It seems to me the debilitating effects from a hangover are now at par with a alcohol and cocaine hangover. But just booze. I sometimes feel just as crazy depressed with only alcohol and I fear it has taken on a life of it's own. It seems other people have experienced this intensity in hangovers as time goes on?

I've had plenty of negative effects from all of this. Failed relationships, lost jobs, DUI's, etc., but I still keep a 'finger in the pot'. Frightening to think I have a bottom I haven't reached. Wasn't crazy about 12 steps. Ironically, I am in pretty good shape. Out of nowhere this past year I (snicker - taken in light of everything) began really watching what I eat and working out. Even getting into yoga and meditation. You would never know the damage I inflict in other ways. I will get it together for a week or two, feel really great, and then WHAM. Out of left field I get an urge and end up undoing all the good. It's spooky really. I think things are working to keep myself in check and then chair-kicked-out-from-under-me, by me.

I guess that's enough for now. Really excited to have found this site and looking forward to some insight from others. Thanks!! It helps to know there are others kinda like me.

[beetle]

Welcome. Hope you like it here. Nobody is a doctor here but I'll say that it sounds like you might be self medicating with the drugs and alcohol. There must be something you're using them for.

I did read your whole post but my concentration isn't that great. Did you say if you were seeing a psychiatrist or therapist? That would be a good place to start.

There is a substance abuse board on this forum so feel free to post there. There will be many other people who can sympathize with what you're going through and maybe give you some good advice.

You said you weren't really too thrilled with the 12 step process. I've heard good and not so good things about 12 step groups posted by people on here. It seems that finding a good group can be hard sometimes. Sometimes it's a matter of trial and error to find the group that you feel comfortable with. I wouldn't give up on it if you want to quit the drugs and alcohol.

But if you feel you're doing the drugs and alcohol to cover up something else going on in your mind then you need to see a psychiatrist. You said you use the alcohol to deal with anxiety. That certainly needs the attention of a professional. There are medications that can help you with anxiety that are a lot better than alcohol.

And if there is an underlying mental reason you're doing the drugs and alcohol, getting proper treatment can lead you to the path of recovery.

Well, I've probably said a bunch of nothing just then but wanted to welcome you to the boards. I think you'll find the people here to be helpful.

[midwestmayhem]

Thanks Beetle. I appreciate your welcome.

I have tried different meds, Lexapro, Effexor, Xanax, Wellbutrin. None really worked so great. I also used to go to a counselor. That worked moderately. I agree there has to an element of self-medicating going on. My mom and her mother are/were diagnosed bi-polars so I'm a little fearful the onset of bi-polar is what has escalated me these past 5 or so years. But by the same token, the meds didn't really do crap for me. Except cause horrendous withdrawl when I quit (cold-turkey so it was my fault).

I did peruse the substance abuse board. I guess I am looking for similar traits and see how others are coping. Or not. Overall I'm really glad to find this site and thanks again!

Welcome. Hope you like it here. Nobody is a doctor here but I'll say that it sounds like you might be self medicating with the drugs and alcohol. There must be something you're using them for.

I did read your whole post but my concentration isn't that great. Did you say if you were seeing a psychiatrist or therapist? That would be a good place to start.

There is a substance abuse board on this forum so feel free to post there. There will be many other people who can sympathize with what you're going through and maybe give you some good advice.

You said you weren't really too thrilled with the 12 step process. I've heard good and not so good things about 12 step groups posted by people on here. It seems that finding a good group can be hard sometimes. Sometimes it's a matter of trial and error to find the group that you feel comfortable with. I wouldn't give up on it if you want to quit the drugs and alcohol.

But if you feel you're doing the drugs and alcohol to cover up something else going on in your mind then you need to see a psychiatrist. You said you use the alcohol to deal with anxiety. That certainly needs the attention of a professional. There are medications that can help you with anxiety that are a lot better than alcohol.

And if there is an underlying mental reason you're doing the drugs and alcohol, getting proper treatment can lead you to the path of recovery.

Well, I've probably said a bunch of nothing just then but wanted to welcome you to the boards. I think you'll find the people here to be helpful.

[lostinthoughtandjaded]

welcome midwest! I'll have more to add eventually, but just wanted to shake your hand for now.......

[r.mcmurphy]

greetings and welcome to the asylum.

i am in much of the same straits as are you. unmedicated, undoctored and won't stop drinking. a full 2/3rds of my adult life has included alc. and a variety of other intoxicants. no coke or smack in decades though. the last Pdoc showed me the door because i wouldn't quit drinking. i believe that they all shun the stuff.

contrary to you, i have nobody depending on me. i am practically a hermit in a remote area of oregon. don't have the contacts that came with working as i am a pensioner now.

i have the DUIs in my background also and soon have to face the music in court again.

AA was definitely an awful experience for me. the times that i have quit were always on my own.

i don't know if alc. drives the severe depression that i suffer from or if it is the other way around. there are people that i know who drink every day and have no apparent mental issues because of doing so.

as to the hangover's getting more severe, it's rare when i get one as i have not gotten falling down drunk in a while. but when i did i thought that i was going to die. felt like influenza! so yes they are much more severe and i work at avoiding them.

i am not a fan of crazy meds because nothing good came of the 6 or so prescribed over the past few years. psychiatry is a dart board as far as i can tell. i take a small dose of seroquel as a sleeping pill. it does nothing for me at therapeutic dosages.

i certainly wish that you do not have to hit the bottom as said. if you follow the advise that the overwhelming majority here will give; you will go and get your head shrunk and start a course of medication. if i lived in a city i would hunt down another Pdoc myself.

see you around the boards

[mudpuppy]

Looks like you've tried a couple of antidepressants and a benzo.

There are a lot of other drugs, and drug combos out there, that could help you better than what you've already tried. Its worth a shot if it helps you, right?

[midwestmayhem]

Hey thanks! Bummer on the DUI you are getting ready to deal with. I have had 2 myself. I can't believe I actually have a good job considering. And the truth is, I should have more than 2. Ironically, or maybe hypocritically, I would argue with other forced participants in DUI class about why they should quit drinking due to the harm they could inflict driving. I even had a guy tell me my positions really impacted him. Being hypocritical and selfish can come all too easily to me at times.

Sometimes I think living in a remote place would be good for ix-naying my other penchant. But then the drinking would probably ramp up even more. I fantasize about having the resources to hire a Lou Gossett Jr. (An Officer and a Gentleman - drill Sargeant) to keep my arse in line. Even if I had the funds it would probably be hard to convince someone to stick it out haha.

I know people who drink and don't get clinically depressed as well. Unfortunately I keep thinking that will be me. Another thing totally freaking me out that is relatively 'new' is not feeling drunk but then waking up the next day and realizing I was smashed. Or how I used to be able to have 2 or 3 drinks and be fine with it and now it awakens a fire of any/all addictions with the onset of boozing. I need more more more. I have been doing this thing where I will have 2-3 drinks with friends and then force myself to go home and wait through the crazy desire to get *more* whatever. Of course that only works about 30% of the time. Not smart.

Yeah...I think a therapist is in order. I will say this, if it isn't the right one I feel they do zero to help. I have had one in my life who I was truly honest with and felt we were getting somewhere. Then I had to leave my crazy husband who kept me strung out to keep me and I lost insurance, blah blah blah, and she had no openings when I could go back. Sigh - I still think about her and the progress we were making. Otherwise I have found myself totally lying to therapists to gain their approval. I don't know if they were thinking "I call bullshit on her" and didn't tell me or I lost interest first.

Hopefully I won't have to hit any more bottoms. That is my hope. Frankly I am a little jaded because I feel like my intentions to get it together are very sincere and I don't understand why nothing takes with me. So, this is something new to try. Perhaps people struggling and not being perfect will help me to take a different perspective/tact and be successful in sobriety and mental balance. That's the plan. And thanks again.

greetings and welcome to the asylum.

i am in much of the same straits as are you. unmedicated, undoctored and won't stop drinking. a full 2/3rds of my adult life has included alc. and a variety of other intoxicants. no coke or smack in decades though. the last Pdoc showed me the door because i wouldn't quit drinking. i believe that they all shun the stuff.

contrary to you, i have nobody depending on me. i am practically a hermit in a remote area of oregon. don't have the contacts that came with working as i am a pensioner now.

i have the DUIs in my background also and soon have to face the music in court again.

AA was definitely an awful experience for me. the times that i have quit were always on my own.

i don't know if alc. drives the severe depression that i suffer from or if it is the other way around. there are people that i know who drink every day and have no apparent mental issues because of doing so.

as to the hangover's getting more severe, it's rare when i get one as i have not gotten falling down drunk in a while. but when i did i thought that i was going to die. felt like influenza! so yes they are much more severe and i work at avoiding them.

i am not a fan of crazy meds because nothing good came of the 6 or so prescribed over the past few years. psychiatry is a dart board as far as i can tell. i take a small dose of seroquel as a sleeping pill. it does nothing for me at therapeutic dosages.

i certainly wish that you do not have to hit the bottom as said. if you follow the advise that the overwhelming majority here will give; you will go and get your head shrunk and start a course of medication. if i lived in a city i would hunt down another Pdoc myself.

see you around the boards

[midwestmayhem]

Looks like you've tried a couple of antidepressants and a benzo.

There are a lot of other drugs, and drug combos out there, that could help you better than what you've already tried. Its worth a shot if it helps you, right?

For sure. Of the meds I've tried I had funky side-effects. I have to laugh even writing that because self-medicating certainly has funky side-effects as well. Also, going off Effexor cold turkey was so terrifying I think I have a paranoia about trying more meds. Worse than any street-drug withdrawl ever. Now that I have really given changing my diet and exercise/relaxation habits a real shot, and I still wake up some days with my heart pounding, a feeling that the sky is falling, and almost unable to function at a basic level, it's probably time to face the facts that I have some chemical imbalances that all the fucking yoga in the world won't fix. Thank you for your reply. I really do appreciate it and I'm thrilled to have found this site.

[midwestmayhem]

welcome midwest! I'll have more to add eventually, but just wanted to shake your hand for now.......

Thanks!!!

[whirledps]

welcome midwest! I'll have more to add eventually, but just wanted to shake your hand for now.......

Thanks!!!

Wow, I just wanted to say hi and welcome and wrote alllll that stuff below before I knew what happened. I think I'm a little bit wired from my coffee. Back later. Take care.

G'night.

~wp

Just wanted to add my Hi! into this. I'm kinda new here too. I am like you in many ways except male and older. Been drugging and drinking and self medicating for over 36 years. Just finished court a few weeks ago for my 7th DUI in 36 years - seriously. It was only a second offense cause they were spaced apart just enough - thank God. I got 1 year suspended to 7 days and was given 5 days credit for an inpatient rehab I went to. So only spent Friday night through Sunday night in jail - sleeping thanks to my psych meds!

But my point is, after that last incident I was at the end of my rope, I eventually did find what must have been MY bottem. I was jobless, girl-friendless, awaiting trial, depressed, suicidal, drunk and stoned all the time and not sleeping but a few hours each morning then up all night. I felt hopeless and was at the point of suicide. Closer than I had ever been and it scared the shit out of me. I thought to my self, "WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING CONTINUING TO THROW MY LIFE AWAY???

So in Sept I did my last dope and october had my last drink. I feel incredible (thanks to being clean for a couple months and meds too :-). Better than I can ever remember feeling. I actually have hope now where I had none before. Not doing 12 steps at present, but have dabbled.

You are still a youngster. Find what works for you, if it may be a med cocktail or just a revelation in your mind and the willpower in your heart. By all means "shop around" for a therapist until you find one you click with. 'Cause if you are thinking to yourself that you might have a problem, you most likey do. I knew I had a problem but just didn't care. I told the VA shrink I was probably just trying to kill myself slowly.

Just think of all the extra cash you will have with no coke and beverages!

[midwestmayhem]

welcome midwest! I'll have more to add eventually, but just wanted to shake your hand for now.......

Thanks!!!

Wow, I just wanted to say hi and welcome and wrote alllll that stuff below before I knew what happened. I think I'm a little bit wired from my coffee. Back later. Take care.

G'night.

~wp

Just wanted to add my Hi! into this. I'm kinda new here too. I am like you in many ways except male and older. Been drugging and drinking and self medicating for over 36 years. Just finished court a few weeks ago for my 7th DUI in 36 years - seriously. It was only a second offense cause they were spaced apart just enough - thank God. I got 1 year suspended to 7 days and was given 5 days credit for an inpatient rehab I went to. So only spent Friday night through Sunday night in jail - sleeping thanks to my psych meds!

But my point is, after that last incident I was at the end of my rope, I eventually did find what must have been MY bottem. I was jobless, girl-friendless, awaiting trial, depressed, suicidal, drunk and stoned all the time and not sleeping but a few hours each morning then up all night. I felt hopeless and was at the point of suicide. Closer than I had ever been and it scared the shit out of me. I thought to my self, "WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING CONTINUING TO THROW MY LIFE AWAY???

So in Sept I did my last dope and october had my last drink. I feel incredible (thanks to being clean for a couple months and meds too :-). Better than I can ever remember feeling. I actually have hope now where I had none before. Not doing 12 steps at present, but have dabbled.

You are still a youngster. Find what works for you, if it may be a med cocktail or just a revelation in your mind and the willpower in your heart. By all means "shop around" for a therapist until you find one you click with. 'Cause if you are thinking to yourself that you might have a problem, you most likey do. I knew I had a problem but just didn't care. I told the VA shrink I was probably just trying to kill myself slowly.

Just think of all the extra cash you will have with no coke and beverages!

WP - thank so much for the reply. It is always inspiring to hear about folks who have faced their own music and actually found some happiness. Kudos to no dope/booze since October. I hope to get there myself. Funny, last year at this time I lost my job and was in a failing relationship yet was able to go sober for 2 months. If I could do that then I could do it now but I just need that internal 'click' to occur. The good news is that referred to relationship is now over and it was the catalyst to get back into booze/drugs. I am at a not so terrible point in my life. Good job, great kids, not dealing with a dysfunctional relationship. My mood swings and out of nowhere binges are the two areas putting my happiness/security at risk. When I look at how easy it all could crumble with one bad decision because I am not committing to getting this under control, I feel like an ass. I have always had a problem with addressing these issues unless I get this bolt of lightning inspiration. Some might call it procrastination or laziness. I call it waiting to feel inspired (I'm such an idiot Keep me updated. It sounds like your on to something man!