midwestmayhem Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 I am debating to start with the *bad* or *good*. I guess on the surface I don't look so bad. I am 39 y.o. female with a great job, 2 loving daughters and friends I've had for 25+ years. However, I have been struggling with serious drug & alcohol issues for about 13 years now. I am guessing I have mental issues/illness that has cropped up in the past 5 or so years to boot. Paralyzing anxiety and racing thoughts that make it impossible to function or pay attention. I manage to hide this shit (d&a plus mental) fairly well but it is, and has been, taking a toll and certainly won't end up pretty in the long-run. Hell, I'm having a 'bad day' and instead of forcing myself to work through the anxiety and lack of focus @ work I'm doing this! Of course I justify it as maybe, just maybe, exchanging with others will help me to finally find a constructive way to deal. I kicked, sort of, an intense cocaine problem about 4 years ago. However, I still use just not every single day. About 4-5x a month. I can't decide if it is the high-risk, thrill seeking that keeps me from going 100% clean, or mental illness/self-medicating, or just what it is exactly. And I feel like complete and total dogshit every single time. I know exactly what will happen but I do it anyway. Which brings me to the drinking... Never really considered alcohol a drug of choice for myself. More like a convenient and always abundant drug to mellow some of the anxiousness. I now find myself at times craving alcohol. And when I indulge it is about 90% sure the *other* will follow. Disaster. I do have a question though. It seems to me the debilitating effects from a hangover are now at par with a alcohol and cocaine hangover. But just booze. I sometimes feel just as crazy depressed with only alcohol and I fear it has taken on a life of it's own. It seems other people have experienced this intensity in hangovers as time goes on? I've had plenty of negative effects from all of this. Failed relationships, lost jobs, DUI's, etc., but I still keep a 'finger in the pot'. Frightening to think I have a bottom I haven't reached. Wasn't crazy about 12 steps. Ironically, I am in pretty good shape. Out of nowhere this past year I (snicker - taken in light of everything) began really watching what I eat and working out. Even getting into yoga and meditation. You would never know the damage I inflict in other ways. I will get it together for a week or two, feel really great, and then WHAM. Out of left field I get an urge and end up undoing all the good. It's spooky really. I think things are working to keep myself in check and then chair-kicked-out-from-under-me, by me. I guess that's enough for now. Really excited to have found this site and looking forward to some insight from others. Thanks!! It helps to know there are others kinda like me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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