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Being John Malkovich (all aboard!)


Intrusive Thoughts  

38 members have voted

  1. 1. What are you not sharing? Choose the general themes that are most bothersome.

    • Death (loved ones, friends, or total strangers)
      17
    • Disasters (natural, fires, earthquakes, meteors, dinosaurs engineered again)
      8
    • Suicide (and all the different colors of that rainbow)
      22
    • Compulsions reenacted HAVE TO BE JUST RIGHT or else
      13
    • Illusions of grandeur or fame
      6
    • Adult content only
      14
    • Paralysis
      3


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Wow! (not in the excited Wow! way)

Yes, dealt with these intrusive thoughts many, many times. I haven't actually put them all together, and it's scary putting them here all together. But who knows, if it helps you out I'm willing to try at least but I really want to know what others are thinking so the poll is there too.

It so happens that these thoughts happen to me whenever I'm not busy, and they are constantly there. When I'm in a manic episode it usually doesn't sound that bad (get rich, buy a mansion, have gold mouldings and a bentley, and then go sink myself on a 400ft yacht in the mediterranean....niiiiice with the love of my life holding hands)

Most of these thoughts started at around puberty for me...also when the obsessiveness, ptsd, and all the rest of that fun stuff came schlooping down on my head like bird shi* on a nice day at the beach. Usually, I counted the cement lines because that kept me from thinking this

:

'I can't help it, I wish I wasn't alive, I wish I was dead. I should go to the biggest square and just take kerosene and burn myself. people will feel sorry for me. wait, no i shouldn't do that, that's so selfish. just like when i eat all the cookies in the kitchen and i don't leave any for anyone else. how selfish of me! i should do it in the forest. but the smoke might kill some of those birds, or it might burn the forest down. another bad idea. Is that guy(someone just walking by me) listening to me? can he hear me? shit! what if he can hear me in my head??? omg, what if he knew what i thought about my family? like when i wanted my grandmother to just go away- and never come back (religious zealot with a hardon for punishing me and my sibling)- Jesus...oh god, why do i keep saying his name? he probably hates me too and thinks i'm nuts (jesus thinks that?) well, maybe if I committ suicide he'll feel sorry for me? and take me in his arms and walk me to a quiet, soft place and just let me be? uhm....no, remember monotheistic religions punish that kind of thing. well why don't they punish us NOW? why don't they punish those evil people...people who stab each other, or rape each other, or entrap their own children for decades just so they can have them, or people who put rat poison in dog food, or the neighbors who fight with each other, or, or? what's wrong with this world? why can't i be skinny (110lbs, 5'7), Jesus! I just want to lose 5 more lbs. I think I'll be famous, maybe I can be on those glossy mag covers then. But I can't, look at my fingers! I just peeled my cuticles again thinking about all this...damn it, now it's bleeding...maybe I can put my hands in acid...so i'll never have the opportunity to do this again. or put a cig on my arm...make myself stop doing this, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop (if I say it 10 times, I'll be able to stop) stop, stop, stop, stop, stop (look at fingers and frown pissed off because I feel like doing it still) See? God, this is why I've failed. I can't stop. Even though I count it out...I counted yesterday too, and it didn't stop. Now I have to fold my hands in my pockets and squeeze them so hard it leaves half-moons on my palms! See, I'm so pathetic. all i do is hurt myself...haha. oh no, is that person listening to me? why is he smiling at me? Does he want money or....worse? Egh....sicko. this whole world is sick. what if that whole Nostradamus 2012 thing is really going to happen? omg, i'll be celebrating my birthday in my grave. that'll be nice. everything will be on fire so I won't even need candles. should I invite people on that day? will they even come or will they be hiding in their bunkers? remember y2k? but who cares...my body is fat anyways and I won't even fit in the bunker.'

.

There's much more.

But the thing that makes it all good is that none of these thoughts really piss me off or bother me, it's just that they are sooo strange. Sometimes it's really odd, like when I imagined myself as a baby wolf and living in a wolf pack and then fighting with other wolves and finally hunting for a rabbit and having 6 cubs...

ugh.

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