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I finally had my first pdoc appointment this past thursday...and I'm not entirely sure how to respond to it. I was trying to write a blog about the experience...and I just...I dunno...

Since I'm merely going on 3 weeks of sobriety from cocaine, my pdoc said she's afraid to try to medicate me right away. With my heart being screwed up, they REALLY want to see whether it's a side effect of the meds my GP had put me on, or an anxiety problem (assuming my stress test comes back normal next week).

I told her all of the medications I'm on, and she's spoken to my tdoc and gotten the documentation from my GP that they think I'm bipolar manic. She said it's obvious I have a mood disorder, and if it is primarily mania, that all the meds I'm taking make no fucking sense...so she's taken me off EVERYTHING and just put me on 5mg of zyprexa to try and regulate my sleep schedule...

My GP told me, being as my heart is severely over-clocking itself, to try and be as stress free as I can and not to exert myself. I never really thought I had much to be stressed out about until I looked at what my life is like. My now ex-bf being stalker-like and not getting the point, new school semester, just found out my softball coach was shot, family issues, financial issues, mental issues...and so looking at it...I can't figure out a way to NOT be stressed out to the bone...

While I was sitting with my pdoc, I felt a bit more like a guinnea pig than anything else, and I didn't actually talk much. my tdoc and her are friends, so I'm kind of assuming that she got all the info she needed...but I don't really know how it's supposed to work...and just...she took me off all my meds...and even if they weren't working right...I'm terrified of not being on anything at all. She said she wanted to see me sober and see what my BP is like off meds so she can properly treat me, but I'm terrified that something is going to go wrong.

I know that the perfect thing to do right now would be to go to the hospital, but with the family situation...I need to figure out how to control all this shit on my own in some way.

Right now I want to cry, scream, rip out my hair, SI, snort an 8-ball, and sleep for a week. I'm scared of what my official dx will be, I'm scared about what my boss, co-workers, and friends think of me, and I just...I feel like my brain is spiraling out of control and it's going to explode in my head and seep out my ears.

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Did you ever go to that NA meeting? You need some friends in recovery. Trust me, they will be able to relate to all your woes... they all are associated with using.

I'm surprised your pdoc took you off everything without arranging for rehab. How did she suggest you stay clean and sober? Are you still drinking?

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Well, you are still on the zyprexa, which *is* used to treat BP. But don't assume your p-doc and your t-doc are in close contact about your case. That would be ideal, of course, but you can't rely on it, so I would act as if they do not know each other, just to be safe.

If your ex is really harassing you, and it isn't just the nasty tail-end of your relationship, have you thought about getting a restraining order? Record all the times he calls (or if he is calling on your cell, make sure not to delete any of the calls or texts). If he is following you around physically, also record that. Even if he sends you mail, or flowers, or gifts, that is still useable in court.

I am sorry about your softball coach. On top of everything else, that really sucks.

And realistically, there is a guinea pig aspect to the beginning of treatment. You are an unknown quantity to your p-doc, and she has to puzzle you out. So it is natural for you to feel that way.

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Well, if you *are* on zyprexa, be assured that I consider it my miracle med, and I'm BP. It helps me more than any other med, including with anxiety.

Like crtclms said, there is a *lot* of experimentation in the beginning of a diagnosis. Rarely does the first medication become the only medication. And if it is, the dosage is usually changed, tweaked, etc.

Taking you off your medications may seem scary, but what if they weren't the right medications for the right conditions? Then you were just taking them for the placebo effect - and the side effects.

Take care, and please get to an NA meeting. You could use the back up at only three weeks out.

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I finally had my first pdoc appointment this past thursday...and I'm not entirely sure how to respond to it. I was trying to write a blog about the experience...and I just...I dunno...

Since I'm merely going on 3 weeks of sobriety from cocaine, my pdoc said she's afraid to try to medicate me right away. With my heart being screwed up, they REALLY want to see whether it's a side effect of the meds my GP had put me on, or an anxiety problem (assuming my stress test comes back normal next week).

I told her all of the medications I'm on, and she's spoken to my tdoc and gotten the documentation from my GP that they think I'm bipolar manic. She said it's obvious I have a mood disorder, and if it is primarily mania, that all the meds I'm taking make no fucking sense...so she's taken me off EVERYTHING and just put me on 5mg of zyprexa to try and regulate my sleep schedule...

My GP told me, being as my heart is severely over-clocking itself, to try and be as stress free as I can and not to exert myself. I never really thought I had much to be stressed out about until I looked at what my life is like. My now ex-bf being stalker-like and not getting the point, new school semester, just found out my softball coach was shot, family issues, financial issues, mental issues...and so looking at it...I can't figure out a way to NOT be stressed out to the bone...

While I was sitting with my pdoc, I felt a bit more like a guinnea pig than anything else, and I didn't actually talk much. my tdoc and her are friends, so I'm kind of assuming that she got all the info she needed...but I don't really know how it's supposed to work...and just...she took me off all my meds...and even if they weren't working right...I'm terrified of not being on anything at all. She said she wanted to see me sober and see what my BP is like off meds so she can properly treat me, but I'm terrified that something is going to go wrong.

I know that the perfect thing to do right now would be to go to the hospital, but with the family situation...I need to figure out how to control all this shit on my own in some way.

Right now I want to cry, scream, rip out my hair, SI, snort an 8-ball, and sleep for a week. I'm scared of what my official dx will be, I'm scared about what my boss, co-workers, and friends think of me, and I just...I feel like my brain is spiraling out of control and it's going to explode in my head and seep out my ears.

Holy shit I think your mashed potatos have ran into your corn and the chicken looks like it is going to slide off the plate...damn!

Yep, I agree to get yourself to some type of NA meeting to get that extra support clicked in - I wouldn't dream of doing what you're doing all by myself. 3 weeks off coke...what an accomplishment - how much were you doing? I'm off of alcohol and pills myself - coke and speed put me to sleep basically. I'll have 6 years clean & sober in June. I was diagnosed 9 months into my sobriety with bipolar (suddenly it all made sense...) and have had my ups and downs with both since then.

Just take it moment by moment and hope that the Zyprexa works its magic til things start to get sorted out - I'm here if you need to babble about anything

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I went to the NA meeting last week. I really just sat in the back and didn't say anything. A bunch of people were talking about how long they've been clean and one girl talked for like HALF the meeting about her relapse. I'm giving it a shot again this week.

pdoc has suggested I continue to go to meetings and stay clean. I've not quit drinking yet, but since I quit coke I really haven't ever gone over my 2 drink limit.

I can't do a phosp, as I'd be homeless when I got out...so this is really the only option that I have. Luckily my bosses are keeping me to my word about not using, and they're smart enough to notice if I crash.

I think I'm a bit better today. I slept nearly all day, but generally the later it gets at night, the more I feel like I'm about to punch something and scream :\

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Does the Zyprexa help at all? Or do you take it right before bed?

If the meetings don't fit your needs, you can always find another meeting. Can't tell you how many meetings I walked out of because I wasn't hearing recovery...those little gems that people would say that made me feel like I didn't have to use that day.

You can always share what you need to hear - like how you're 3 weeks off coke and coming out of your skin... usually when I hear that in a meeting I forget my usual day to day crap and respond with how I felt and what the old timers told me to do that worked...sometimes people (especially addicts) can get caught up in their own shit they forget other people have problems too... (this last sentence makes no sense but I'll leave it as it is just in case it does make sense to you)

What saved my ass in the beginning when I was coming out of my skin every 5 minutes was someone told me I didn't have to believe everything my head told me and I didn't have to carry out my thoughts.

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Just to add something:

The meds your doctor took you off of could have very easily been making you worse if you're prone to mania. Those are all meds for depression with no anti-manic (Lamictal doesn't do much for mania) and that's more likely to hurt than help. Vyvanse with a heart problem? Bad, bad news.

Even at 5mg the Zyprexa should help.

You also need time for your brain to adjust to not being on cocaine, which may be the rationale for not medicating you to the tits right out of the gate.

I was about to post the same thing. The meds you were on really are not an antimanic cocktail. Not at all, really. That coctail would put someone like me in the hospital. It could explain a lot of the challenges you've been facing. Hard to say since each person is unique. But it does mean that I think your pdoc's choice to take you off those meds does make sense.

Five mg of Zyprexa might be a low dose, but it's still a potent pill. If you are waiting to take it until bed, try taking it a little earlier in the evening. It might give you a little more relief.

If you feel you are going over the edge in a way that you can't manage, call your pdoc. She does know that she made a big med change and it can be a little rough to handle. She has options like raising Zyprexa, so if it's real bad, don't be afraid to call.

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I don't understand. You can't go to the phospital because you'd become homeless - I take it because you'd lose income from your job and wouldn't be able to pay rent. It doesn't sound like your parent-like bosses would fire you for being in the hospital.

So you can't afford it. But you just spend 1000 on your credit card? How much is your rent, because I live in a high rent part of the country, and I'm sure that $1k would cover your rent. Why don't you return the stuff on your cc and put that money towards being safe in the phospital for a few days? Seriously, if you are this close to it all falling apart, no boss in the world is going to save you like the protected care of a locked psychiatric ward.

Just something to think about. My dad went though cold turkey detox from a 5 pint a day vodka addiction plus an addiction to pot and coke. He did it in a 30 day in-hospital treatment program. It was hard, but he had 19 years sober when he passed, and never even wanted pot when he was in his final stages of cancer and it was medically available to him. He did the AA thing (I did the Alateen and AlAnon thing for years.)

I'm rooting for you. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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IT's not that I'd be fired. I live with my parents and they would kick me out. I could afford rent to some degree (with cash, I don't think they take CC), but I'd lose health insurance, my vehicle, vehicle insurance, and tuition...

I may have over-spent a bit, but even with a few hundred in cash now (from working this past week), I am still not going out to snort a line or anything. So I'm confident, thus far, in that aspect. Though I did fantasize about it at work.

I have my tdoc appt on wednesday morning, so I think I might discuss my options with him...

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This is a very de-stabilized period for you. If your heart problems are due to arrhythmia your doc is wise to take a step back. Also, it's a good chance to take a look at your symptoms when not amped up on speeders. You want answers RIGHT NOW but this is a time for more cautious and measured steps. It's a good chance to get your treatment right. I can hardly fault you for impatience but your brain and body chemistry is in flux RIGHT NOW and your treating folks are loathe to take aim at a moving target. A hospital stay may not be necessary, but do you have access to a crisis residential unit/night care/partial hosp. unit or whatever the hell they call 'em these days? This would permit continued work and studies but with afterhours care and access to psychiatry. Something to consider.

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I'm with ya. I'm having a really hard time myself. and I'm sorry for the loss of your coach. ;)

I used to take 5mg of Zyprexa before bed. It helped tremendously to calm down and sleep. And I am SOOOO proud of you for quitting the cocaine habit! I used to do it a lot when I was younger and like you, I quit cold turkey. Every now and again I feel a little twinge to do a little but hell, with all the meds I'm on it would probably kill me! lol That and I have an addictive personality so that wouldn't be good. Keep it up! I saw someone go into convultions and almost die from cocaine. Scared me straight. And if your heart is racing still, that is the very last thing that you want to do.

So how long do you have to wait until you see your docs again? I KNOW you can get through this. Keep busy! Get one of those 1000 piece puzzles to work on. I love those. It keeps my mind busy and calm. You're so close now. Don't give up!

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I have my tdoc tomorrow morning, my GP for the stress test tomorrow afternoon, and pdoc on thursday.

I'm gonna see about switching off Zyprexa. Yes, it's helping me sleep, but the munchies are killing me. I was literally full to the brink last night and STILL was "hungry". Maybe going back on seroquel would be better, I'm def gonna talk to the pdoc about that.

I got my new phone today, and it's doing a fantastic job about keeping me distracted. I actually feel really good today. I don't feel hypomanic...I just feel...happy ;)

I have had some coke cravings recently, mostly while I'm at work because I used to do it in the bathroom during my shifts, but knowing that my boss's know what's going on and told me I'd get fired/arrested if I did it again while at work, it's enough of a scare to keep me straight. My job is my haven...I consider it more of a home than my house.

Even though I haven't really started going to classes, I've started to organize myself to do well this semester. I'm just hoping my teachers understand my situation...I'm gonna talk to my tdoc and pdoc about it and see if maybe it would benefit if they wrote e-mails to my teachers to ask for their forgiveness :\

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Good to hear that you have three crucial appointments in short order. Print off this thread (or the portions of it you may find useful) for your tdoc and pdoc. It may help them aim with a bit more clarity at what you need.

And might good to hear that you are able to keep your cravings in check. Someone here made a fantastic suggestion about keeping credit cards in ice in the freezer. It's all about building delay between impulse and action.

And keeping yourself well.

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I won't know the results of the stress test for a few days. I gave my tdoc the printout of the blog I wrote about my parents, so he's gonna read that and we're gonna talk about it at our next appointment. Yesterday I couldn't eat...I couldn't sleep...and I couldn't stop drawing the images I see in my head. Tuesday night I didn't sleep at all. I stayed up all night drawing the images and all I could do yesterday was begin colouring them. I'm a digital artist so I've been vectoring it. And my brain keeps yelling at me because it's not done and I can't stop until it's finished.

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