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Suicidal Thoughts Galore


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Trigger.gifTrigger.gifTrigger.gif Am suicidal but not real far along with "the plan," so no need to call the authorities. Found that the link at top of forum page for suicide info doesn't work. The local suicide hotline is a joke... IF anyone answers they tell you to make an appointment (months away) and they're not about to spend any time w/you on the phone. but I have an appt w/pdoc this week. If you mention the word suicide to any dr you end up in lockup, which solves nothing, so I don't mention anything beyond ideas. I certainly don't have any insurance to pay for it. Whole life has fallen through, no job, my bf apparently is stepping out on me, can't afford my house, live alone and have continued to keep my heart pumping for the sake of my 23 yr old son, who might feel hurt and carry scars, but that life insurance payout might help offset things a little bit for him (yes, the suicide clause has expired so we're good to go with that). Oh, forgot to mention my car, which wouldn't start-is now fixed but needs brakes and leaking oil and antifreeze. Right after the fridge went dead and had to throw everything out, even $200 of thawed-out meat I'd just bought. Like I can afford to do that after $7300 worth of plumbing work that left openings in walls throughout the house, causing drafts. Price to get it fixed? Another $1500 plus tax. Then there's the nursing refresher course I'm taking, which I'm probably gonna drop. Just not in the right frame of mind especially since I'm losing my bf...that's always good for 2-3 months of agony...I don't see anything changing and the future, like the past and present, would only be more of the same. I've lost that old survivor drive I once had and the strength to get back up again and try to go on seems futile. Realistically, my "life" is already dead and gone, now just want to stop thinking and feeling. Thank you for reading about my pathetic little corner of the world.
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Hey.

I can't really find the words but I figure this is better than total silence.

That's a lot of crap to deal with all at once. It's certainly enough to feel anxiety and anger about but it's not enough to make a permanent choice to kill yourself. Eventually things will improve and your son will be very glad he still has his Mom around.

Have you called your pdoc and asked to be put on the waiting list? Just saying you're thinking about suicide wont get you involuntarily committed. Please don't hurt yourself. We care about you.

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You are in a total shit storm. Some things are very much dead (fridge). Others are dying (car). Still others (relationship, class) are in flux and feel dead to you. It's good that you first take the time to put all of this in words before taking significant action. Right now it's all about surveying what you can hold onto. If I weren't plinking away on a touchy laptop I'd have the time to check your profile to know more about the resources you have. I'm a CMH tdoc so I can only speak to what we have and how I'd help you navigate. If you have a CMH in your area call their crisis line. You don't want an inpatient stay and probably don't truly need one, unless you are actively seeking suicide and have means at your ready disposal. Their may be a crisis residential center/unit for stabilization or what we call an extended observation bed. The latter is a 23 hour onsite bed for whatever amount of time you need to lay the foundation of problem solving. Your relationship is a big-ass precipitant to all this, never mind the fragile structure of your life (style). Set that issue aside and focus first on basic needs. Shelter is present, if tenuous. Food is hopefully back after the forces of global warming struck you fridge. And your post was long enough to presume you are wearing clothing. Good, those are mostly intact. You don't totally need a pdoc right now, more like a crisis plan. Your son is hopefully ok and may be a useful support. Do you work? If so, tell your employer you are in tough straits right now and may need some time off to get it together. A lot of your life feels to you that it is dying. This is a time of crisis, so change is inevitable. You have the power of choice and quite a few choices to make. Keep yourself safe.

I can't stress enough how important that you took the time to seek support before taking big action, even though big actions are needed.

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Thank you everyone! Going to a new bipolar group at the therapist's Wed and pdoc Thurs. Doing a little better today, though worn out. Bf was sick and had left his phone at work (3 hour drive round trip) so I suppose he's forgiven for not returning messages. At least that's one thing to look forward to. Am gonna try and press on today, study and get a few things done, though am a bit exhausted from lack of sleep and dispair. Your replies, as always, let me know I'm really not alone and so motivate me to try my best. Thank you-Lav

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I'm glad you are doing something towards living.... I was surprised to find the link to the suicide help broken. I know they have been working on the site to fix it up and there's changes being made.

What is the bipolar support group like? I'm curious but too chicken to actually go about finding one and attending.

Glad you're still among us

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I can't relate to your exact situation, but last year my family was living on one income while I was applying for SSDI. We literally had to feed, gas (during the $4/gallon days) and clothe my family for all meals for $150 a week. And we would have things like a tire blow out ($90 each - twice in one week) that we didn't know where the money was coming from. Or the electric company was going to turn off our power on Monday (even with a payment arrangement) and we didn't get paid until Friday. We had to drive without car insurance for four months because it was the insurance or food.

But the amazing thing was, that no matter what got thrown our way, we always managed to get everything covered. After my disability came in, there was a lot of months of repaying past due bills, but we did it. And I never thought in a million years that I would have made it through a cut of 45% in my family's household income.

I know my expenses are not as expensive as yours, but please give a few days. A solution you never dreamed up may present itself.

And I'm listening, so keep talking.

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Hi Tempestia-the bipolar support group is cool, it's pretty new to us and our therapist who thought of it after realizing she sees 4 of us with the bp dx. The first week was intros, each of us talked about our lives and illnesses, treatment, etc. We asked each other questions to get a feel for others' point of view. Each of us could relate to a part of others' experiences. The best thing is providing input/support for others in the group. I found it is VERY therapeutic to help others with tips, personal experiences, ideas and suggestions to be explored and the like. And at the same time be given the same. As one of the other gals put it, you actually see other people in person who really do go thru the same problems, not just read or hear about it. If we ask someone something and they "don't wanna go there", they say so and it's cool, no one takes it personally. We only get charged a fraction of the cost of an individual session (though we can have both) as the therapist has several people attending, she spends the same amt of time whether there's 1 or 10 clients there, so she charges accordingly. We came into it as strangers and left feeling a bond, even with others of different age, bp flavors, personal beliefs, etc. This week will only be our 2nd meeting but I'm sure glad we're doing this.

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