Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

I don't know what to do anymore! In the past three years I have been in the hospital about 8 times (up to four weeks at a time, usually less) and have been on about 26 different meds. None of it seemed to help. So I went a different route. How about no meds and some supplements and some other hard to explain alternative treatments? Not so much. I feel awful. I'm suicidal. I OD'ed over the weekend (no ill effects, got checked out but lied about how it happened so as not to be hospitalized)and I don't know what to do. I called two different crisis hotlines but they couldn't help me.

I was told "I don't know what to tell you... I would normally say that you really need to be on meds, but you've done that. Then I would suggest hospitalization, but that doesn't seem to help you. I would say go talk to a good friend, but you don't have any..."

Wow.

But I understand where they're coming from. I'm pretty much begging for help and refusing it at the same time. (Kind of like "please help me!" "OH, not like that!!") The thing is I don't want to be drugged. I feel awful now, but I felt awful on meds too. And I don't want to be hospitalized. I'll just feel crappy in a very expensive, uncomfortable, 'resort' with crappy food and classy plastic 'bracelets'.

So I'm pretty much feeling... no.. I AM feeling hopeless.

Where do I go from here?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Are your past dx'es past because you decided the diagnosis no longer applied? If you keep doing the same thing you'll keep getting the same results. I mean I understand why you feel like you do, but without knowing more of your hx, it's tough to suggest anything. I feel you though. I've gotten to places in my life where I HAD to do it someone else's way cuz my way sure as fuck wasn't working anymore. It's a hard place to be. The proverbial hard place, I guess.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry that you feel so frustrated and hopeless - I can't imagine how I'd feel in that situation. I'm glad you found us, though - we're good to vent to ;)

I could be wrong, but it looks like you're not quite out of anti-depressants (MAOIs and TCAs) or atypical antipsychotics (Geodon, Risperdal, some of the newer ones). Have you tried asking for a referral to a different psychiatrist? Maybe a bipolar specialist or something? Sometimes a big gun doc can combine medications and/or do something unconventional. Meds can be really different in combination - I could never stand being on Celexa alone

What's your history with therapy? Therapy + meds is more powerful than meds alone, and there are certain specific therapies that can be very good. CBT, or DBT, or one of the other practical therapies that actually teach you how to cope.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Are your past dx'es past because you decided the diagnosis no longer applied? If you keep doing the same thing you'll keep getting the same results. I mean I understand why you feel like you do, but without knowing more of your hx, it's tough to suggest anything. I feel you though. I've gotten to places in my life where I HAD to do it someone else's way cuz my way sure as fuck wasn't working anymore. It's a hard place to be. The proverbial hard place, I guess.

The past DX'es are listed as past because my current doc hasn't assigned a diagnosis.

I totally agree that if you keep doing the same thing you'll get the same results... so after three years of meds and hospitalizations I don't want to do that anymore.

I have a new doc that has done a QEEG, psych testing, ADD Testing, intelligence testing, heavy metal testing, stool analysis, and hormone levels. I only have some of the results and none of the treatment plan. (out of balance gut flori, high levels of mercury, and low progesterone and estradiol so far) It will be another six weeks before the final plan is formulated.

As for my history... It'll be hard to be succinct, yet thorough.

11yrs-sexual abuse -started self harm (trying to throw myself down stairs and such)

14 yrs-caught cutting -anti-depressant prescribed -sent to therapist -sexual abuse admitted -therapy ensues for about 1.5 yrs -I quit cutting for a while

15 yrs-went back off meds around this time

16 yrs- depressed -try new meds

16-19 yrs - generally on an antidepressant (just one pill a day)

19 yrs- depressed/suicidal first hospitalization and major med cocktail

19-21.99 yrs- here's the other 7 hospitalizations and 24 medications. Would get depressed and suicidal or cut and get hospitalized.

Hospital would change up the meds I would come home, be okay for a bit and then the cycle repeats. With a therapist throughout these years.

22 yrs (Since December) - No meds. Same therapist. Did great for the first six weeks. Then took a nosedive.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jenny

looks like your previous therapy, meds, and hospitalizations coincided with your puberty years and young adulthood. as someone who has also experienced childhood sexual abuse, I think you need continued intense therapy to come to terms with the past so that you can move forward. Whether or not you need meds...if you've been living with the pain and horror of what happened to you all this time, like me more than likely you have been in a sustained bout of stress-induced psychosis as a result. Perhaps give meds another try, there are other ones you haven't tried that may be quite helpful to you. the supplements and what-not are mere placebo for what ails you...more than anything you need serious therapy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you thought about one of those really specific trauma-based residential programs? It's lots of intense therapy and stuff. I don't know much about it, but people here have done stuff like that and benefited.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you thought about one of those really specific trauma-based residential programs? It's lots of intense therapy and stuff. I don't know much about it, but people here have done stuff like that and benefited.

I did an inpatient trauma program for about three weeks. It was intense. I think it helped. But, I guess not enough.

Geez, I feel like I'm coming on here asking for help but shooting everyone down.

At least I'm allowing the thought of medication to enter my mind. Considering it anyway. I'm just wary... I truly wonder if any of them will help me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Geez, I feel like I'm coming on here asking for help but shooting everyone down.

Hey, if you've tried it, you've tried it. It sounds like you've been down a really long road.

It sounds like you have some good stuff in the works, though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It has been a long road, and I have tried many things. Two weeks ago I was super confident that meds and hospitals weren't the answer.

But now I just don't know. The new doc and DX is good...in six weeks. But what about today, when I feel truly crummy?

Do I need meds or hospitalization right now? Is it necessary or beneficial?

I suppose that these are questions only I can answer.

It is helpful to have others prompt me to think about things I wouldn't have before.

What kind of things would you consider before choosing to go back on meds. (Or maybe even in a hospital... i dunno)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But now I just don't know. The new doc and DX is good...in six weeks. But what about today, when I feel truly crummy?

Jenny

You will have good days and bad days...that is just life. When you have a crummy day mental-health wise, that doesn't mean the meds and/or therapy aren't working. It means you are having a crummy day. and you have to learn how to deal with it. Learning how to tolerate uncomfortable feelings is extremely difficult for people who have experienced childhood sexual abuse...this is where therapy can help you transform your life because all the meds in the world won't help you learn this very basic and important survival skill. You have to learn how to tolerate feeling sad, feeling upset, feeling panicky, feeling nervous, feeling the normal range of emotions all people experience without it making you feel raw and peeled and wounded all over again. believe me I understand...I hope you feel better soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You have to learn how to tolerate feeling sad, feeling upset, feeling panicky, feeling nervous, feeling the normal range of emotions all people experience without it making you feel raw and peeled and wounded all over again. believe me I understand...I hope you feel better soon.

We should put this up at the top of the PTSD board!

Jenny, earthgarden is exactly right. I have been on this long road of recovery from childhood sexual trauma. Longer than you are old. It's not for pussies so kudos to you for all your efforts. When I started this recovery, I was not a warrior. I am now. I am more than a survivor. I've reclaimed all that was stolen from me and then some.

I would stay on meds for years, go off for years, therapy for years, no therapy for some more years and I always ended up at the same place--original childhood wounding. It's been really fucking hard. I still have a shitload of anger and shame and pain and just...all that.

But, I have had soooooooooooooo much love and joy too. I never, ever had that as a child--ever. So, as much as it hurt, I'm always glad I chose to look under all those rocks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

DBT would be a good form of therapy to try and stick with for a long enough period of time to fully assess.

Over twenty meds inside of three years can mean a lot of changes without giving the meds a real chance to work. Or, it can mean a lot of cocktails that weren't slowly tweaked one med at a time. Maybe part of the problem is going thru so many meds without giving any a chance to really take hold and do what they do. Not saying that's definitely the case, but without knowing more info, that is how it appears.

Your body has been changing from a kid to an adult the whole time you've been on meds. As such, the same meds may effect you differently now. I think giving your pdoc a chance to try a new cocktail and slowly tweak it if needed is a good idea. It is an even better idea in conjunction with ongoing DBT or possibly competent trauma related CBT. Therapy is an ongoing process. Lasting improvement does not happen quickly.

I'm sorry you are struggling with all this. It can be tough and take time to resolve. Your options, however, are many. So, don't feel like you've reached the end of the line.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...