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Is looking for a fight a sign of (hypo) mania?


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So my spouse was a porn addict, and I still don't trust he isn't "using" and yesterday I went on a "binge" of going through all the pc history I could access. And I asked myself "why?" and the honest answer that came back was that I'm HOPING for a fight. Some part of me would really like a reason for a tense argument.

W T F

I've done this before, with less awareness (thanks tdoc, for making me notice my own thoughts and really think about what I'm thinking!). I am guessing that all those times I was on my way or already in a manic episode?

Maybe this is my sign to find something to do to chill me the freak out. I need a walk (but it's cold and I have 3 kids and no spouse until after dark....blah blah blah, excuses, I got 'em all!).

I see pdoc on Tues, and I don't think I'll implode in the next 5 days.

What do you do when you notice you're amping up, other than call pdoc? Is there anything else to do??

FWIW, I spent last week down down down, blaming all the exhaustion and lack of motivation on Abilify. Now I'm up, the house is getting clean (shiny coffee pot!) and I guess I can't blame that on anything but my messed up self.

Either I'm a rapid cycler (last bad "UP!" was Dec 27th, when I hit the wall - literally) or this is tied more to my menstrual cycle after all (was told I had PMDD last year). Three weeks.

At the same time, I am, for once, enjoying the energy. Not spending $. Being level with the kids (and so far haven't even needed to take a time-out/breather, I'm just cool). And like I said, the house is slowly getting clean again (it's suffered a lot in the past).

I associate this feeling with summer. If that makes sense. I feel summery. I like that part. I don't think I've gotten this part very often (um, duh, not if I'm out there picking fights!).

I will talk to h tonight, give him a heads up that I'm looking for things to be pissed about, and then continue to stay aware of my thoughts.

Any other help for the (nearly) manic?

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ok, re-reading my own post

yeah, I'm gone over.

even answered my own questions.

sorry.

glad this is crazy boards where at least you all understand stupid manic posting.

thanks

It's cool. Insight into ones own issues is never a bad thing. Good luck. Try to stay calm?

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Wow, listening to you is like looking in a mirror... I swear you could be my twin, right down to the summery part. ~hugs the stuffing out of you~

My hubby is also a porn addict, which is funny, since we're both huge kink advocates. But addictions are different. I do the same thing, searching every nook and cranny of the PC, just *itching* for a fight. Meds are helping. My kids are also really helping, by giving me a heads up when I'm in pick-a-fight mode.

If you want a buddy who thinks in terms of moods tasting and feeling like summer, drop me a note here, maybe we can exchange email or text info?

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Hey Daisie, it's good to hear the meds are helping you. I hope I can find the right med/right combo sooner rather than later.

Did talk to h last night, and he is slowly "getting it". Gave me plenty of breathing room, and plenty of attention and snuggles when I wanted them (go him!). I successfully managed to NOT pick any fights (go me).

And today I'm breathing and deciding if I need to call pdoc or if it can wait. I'm so new to all this, and I feel like I'd be bugging her for no reason (since we have an appt onTues) and I can't really get in to see her any earlier since I don't have childcare until next Tues...blah.

Breathing is helping.

Being aware of my own mood swings is helping.

I think today I really need to get outside - maybe rake and shovel the dog poo that has been ignored since the last snow.

Also, thanks outrider and the others who held my hand in chat last night. I had been a crying pile of goo before getting in there, and afterwards was able to get myself together and be mom to the kids again. Sometimes just knowing there's a sympathetic ear goes a long way.

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I have to agree with the mirror thing too - I do the same thing.

For me it's staying stuck in looking for things to fight about - I used to go through his pc with a fine tooth comb, looking for "evidence" so I could just have - hell, I dunno...ammunition for a fight but then I wouldn't tell him I was mad about anything. It drove me fucking nuts that I would do that because I could see I was adding to my own misery and actively so.

But at the time it HAS to be done ...NEEDS to be done.

Lately for me it's been the dishes though, I'm burned out on doing them and instead of saying anything I just keep my mouth shut and say to myself "it's only going to take 10-15 minutes to do them all and it's no big deal"

What's been helping me is to say to myself "is this going to matter a year from now" and I swear its helping. And when that intense itch to start a fight or just be pissy passes I am sooo grateful I kept my mouth shut or my hands off of his computer.

For me the irritability can come in a snap and I can do so much damage if I act on what I'm thinking and feeling. It is part of my mania but I don't know if it's part of rapid cycle or not.

nothing like a fight to mess things up

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Tempestia, while I hate you went through the same things, this misery loves company, so thanks for chiming in!

Oh, the irritability certainly comes in a snap, and it's taking all my work on awareness to realize I'm just likely in a (hypo I keep hoping) mania and that the irritability isn't "real". I don't *really* want to pick a fight, my moods just are off right now. I will not go through 'net history today because there is no need to, even thought I feel like I want to.

At the same time, we're getting a lot of cleaning done still :) and I haven't started spending $ or doing anything very stupid, so I think I'm ok (not great, not stable, but ok) to wait and see pdoc in just 3 more days. And then ask/beg for a mood stabilizer beyond this AAP, because now that I'm on meds, dammit I want to be more stable than this!;)

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