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Spinning out of control


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Things came to a bit of a head on Wednesday night. I started freaking out (over basically nothing) and crying and just wanted to give up. I went and layed in my bed and pulled the blanket over my head. My husband came in and asked what was wrong. I said "everything" and he got really mad. He said that he didn't understand what the hell was going on and that maybe I need to go to the hospital. He proceeded to say "I'm fucking done with this shit, do whatever the fuck you want, I don't care". I've been pretty suicidal for the past couple of days (though my husband and dad have kept me from doing it, just because I don't want to hurt them). I knew that I was going to break my 5 years of no SI (okay, no cutting or burning anyway). I decided to make something to eat and if I still wanted to do it, I was going to really go for it. I'm so tired of feeling out of control and being a horrible person. I hate myself. I hate how I treat people when I'm like this, and the fact that it just happens. I'm tired of doing this....life. I feel like such a piece of shit. I'm feel like I'm jumping out of my skin and I can't focus and my heart is broken...at least it feels like it is. My husband is a nice guy and it kills me that I keep hurting him. I don't know what to do. I just really hate myself and wish that someone would "accidentally" kill me and get this all over with. I'm so fucking done. I try so hard to pretend that everything is okay, especially at work, and I just don't know how much longer I can do it. I'm falling apart.

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like the above said... can you call your doc? do you know what triggered you to freak out wednesday? even though you say it was over nothing.... it may seem trivial but whatever it was it meant something. i freak out over the most simple stuff sometimes. it would seem to a "normal" person that i was freaking out over nothing but it's really not "nothing".

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Thanks Lilac. I'm at work (and don't have my car today) so I am afraid to call my pdoc because I don't want my coworkers to know what's going on. I can call her tonight or tomorrow if I don't feel better. She told me that if I feel like I want to harm myself in any way she will call in medication to help right away. I didn't call yesterday because I didn't even have money to pay for a prescription, but I will this afternoon. I don't know, I have a hard time even speaking the words "I want to die" because I try so hard to not let anyone know. Now my brother who is a complete mess is wanting to stay with me this weekend (because he has nowhere else to stay). I don't know how I'm going to deal with anything else right now, I really don't....

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like the above said... can you call your doc? do you know what triggered you to freak out wednesday? even though you say it was over nothing.... it may seem trivial but whatever it was it meant something. i freak out over the most simple stuff sometimes. it would seem to a "normal" person that i was freaking out over nothing but it's really not "nothing".

I'm not sure what triggered it. My coworker has been being a douche this week, but not too much more than usual. I've just felt so overwhelmed. Wednesday night I went home an a light was out, and I had to make dinner, and there was stuff in the shower. My husband was playing video games and I had hoped he would have started dinner since I worked all day and he was home. It's like, any tiny little thing lately makes me completely freak out. Then sit around and think about what a terrible person I am and that everyone would be better without me around. Stuff like that.

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I am not denying that you may be hurting your husband. But you are not doing it intentionally. And he is hurting you, as well. It works both ways.

I forget if this has been discussed with you before, but can you take your husband to a session with your p-doc so s/he can explain your symptoms to him? It sounds to me like he took your response as an indictment of him on some level, which is not at all what you meant. A p-doc could explain that to him.

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those things combined would make me freak out too. sometimes it's just that there are too many loads of laundry to put away and no one else to do it but me. i lose my shit over seemingly nothing all the time!

you're not a terrible person because you freak out. and NO ONE would be better off without you around.

also, it's hard to say out loud "i want to die". it's hard to let people know that you feel that way.... i cover my depression pretty damn well. when i've come out with it to people they are usually in disbelief. that can be frustrating too because i think people think "she's not REALLY depressed". i look fine on the outside but on the inside im a mess. i wind up looking like a whiny baby when i try to talk to people about how shitty i feel. one person said "well, you've got arms, you've got legs, life can't be that bad". the only thing that told me was to never say to my kids "don't you know how good you've got it? there are kids starving in Africa!" LOL!!! who the hell wants to hear that crap?

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I talked about him going to my pdoc appointment with me next week, and he agreed to go. He gets upset because he wants to "fix" me and doesn't know how. I try not to talk about the way I feel because people always laugh, or tell me to get over it, or call me crazy. I seem normal, I force myself to function, therefore I am "fine". If I keep it to myself, nobody will be upset. I just don't want to keep doing this round and round, up and down shit. I'm tired. Maybe my brother will be a good distraction this weekend.

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