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I'm having a bit of a depressive day - I hate these days, they always unsettle or even frighten me a bit because I worry that I won't feel better tomorrow and the depression is coming back to get me. Again. It's that awful sinking feeling, the heavy limbs and overwhelming apathy.

Normally I'm pretty good at working through why I feel bad and bullying myself into doing things that might make me feel better. So I've made sure to have a shower today, although I couldn't summon the energy to wash my hair. I've done some laundry, although I haven't put the clean clothes away yet. I saw my friends at dinner and that did perk me up a bit (good sign), but now I'm alone and feeling terribly flat again. I'm in the midst of exam period but I haven't studied at all today. Nor yesterday. This is unusual for me - I'm quite a dedicated student on the whole. I feel as though nothing is going in, I cannot concentrate and I'm starting to have anxious persecution-based nightmares again. I called my mum and managed to make light-hearted chat, but I felt as though she didn't really want to talk me and was trying to get off the phone as quickly as possible (which is unlikely to be true, but I get these irrational "nobody likes you, you're so boring, nobody would want to speak to or see you..." type thoughts when I feel low).

I should add at this point that I'm currently tapering off my mirtazapine and am down to 7.5mg, the last step before I stop completely. I'm not stopping it dead until after my exams finish in a week's time. I'm not sure if the current symptoms are related to the reduced medication or not...but I feel as though it's a bit too soon to be that? I'm not sure. I have heard that coming mirtzapine is a bit tricky sometimes.

My friends want me to go the bar tonight but I know it's a bad idea for me to touch alcohol when I'm in a "high risk" mood. It's a toss up...I don't want to spend all night by myself (well, I kind of do want to just lie in bed alone, but I've learned that that's bad for me when I feel like this) but there's no way that I'll be able to persuade people to do something non-alcohol-related on a Friday night. Bear in mind that these friends know nothing of my alcohol history and very little about my depression, although some are aware that I take medication. I already said I would go to the bar but not drink alcohol tonight but that doesn't seem to have been accepted - I haven't even got there yet but already been drinking peer-pressured over dinner. Sigh.

I did drink on Wednesday night and I got pretty drunk (not horribly, disgustingly pissed ending up in blackout like I used to get when I was actively abusing alcohol, but drunker than I tend to get these days - I tend to be very careful about my levels of alcohol consumption now). I'm not sure if this is a kick-back from that...alcohol is a depressant, after all. Still, it never normally makes me feel this bad.

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Hey, Shannie. I love your avatar, btw, it's so cute!

I know what you mean about freaking out when you have an off day, and worrying whether it means another bout of depression starting. BTDT.

You're wise to avoid the alcohol tonight, given that it's a depressant, and given Wednesday's binge. You don't want to go down that road again.

If you have to go w/ your friends to a bar (or stay home alone), would they be willing at least to go to a bar that has dancing or something other than just booze? You can always join them but drink non-alcholic things, and when they pressure you too much to drink alcohol, you could just get up and go dance or play pool or do something away from the bar, but still in the same place as your friends.

Keep doing healthy things to help off-set the stress of exams/studying. Take walks, eat right, get enough water, that sort of thing, as much as you are able. When I'm trying to fight off what feels like a coming depression, I find that distraction is key. Find something, anything, you like and that lifts your mood and do it to your heart's content.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.


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Thanks Corvid, I appreciate your reply.

I did manage to have a good sober evening - as it turned out, all of my friends were a bit tired and flat from being midway through the exam period, so it wasn't a "big night" of excessive drinking and ridiculous behaviour for anybody. That made it easier for me to stick to cranberry juice! You're right, I did not want to go down the binge route again, I just can't see that it would have helped me in any way. There was no dancing at the bar (it was just the regular student bar) but there was pool, a games machine and some people playing Wii...plenty of things to distract me ;)

I feel a little better just for having been out, I think.

I am going to try and do as you suggest and live healthily while studying. I think I'll go shopping tomorrow and buy some more fruit and veg. I've been doing some serious slim.fast dieting lately too and I'm not sure that hunger is helping my mental state while revising... Though I am determined to lose some weight, largely for vanity's sake if I'm honest (the associated weight gain is mainly what's making me stop taking the mirtazapine).

Also, glad you like my avatar - I love it too, but then I'm a little giraffe obsessed, hehe!

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