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Keirelle

"I'm not your therapist"

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Yesterday was our ten year anniversary. I am only 29. We never got married per se, but it's mostly because of my social anxiety that won't allow for it, and that I am the only daughter so I don't want to run off an do it either.

Anyway, we haven't been doing well for a number of years. He says I am too depressing to be around and he doesn't like being with me. I say "and what exactly has changed about me since we first met? not a thing" to which he replies "yeah well back then I WANTED to put more effort in. Now i am just sick of you relying on me for everything"

To me, I see this as, you chose to be with someone, you BE there for them. He won't just leave because we have a son and he knows if we split up I am out of this city (we live here basically for his job, we have no friends/family around) and going back the where we are from and all our family is at. I feel like he isn't accepting of my problems. He isn't there for me.

On Monday I had a therapy appointment and when I got home I was just drained from it. It is hard for me to deal with and upsetting to delve into stuff I try to ignore (like why I don't just LEAVE-- oh right, a 5 year old that I don't want stuck in a huge custody battle over, but I refuse to go home without him). So I figured, I am going to try to talk to him about this. I want him to understand where I am coming from. He listened, but he is a man of few words and even less action, so while I hoped it would help it didn't, because last night after we got into it about him nothing even saying hello on our anniversary when he walked in the door, one of the things he said was "I'm not your therapist"

I just feel gutted. I mean, he has also told me how he has "zero respect for me" because of my lack of motivation to get out of my depression (yes, he is one of those, it's your fault, you allow it to happen, snap out of it" type of people) and do something with my life. To hear this last night I just felt like, you know, he is NEVER going to get this, and he is NEVER goin to care enough to try. He thinks I chose to be like this.

And yet, I don't know how to leave. I tried it once and we just ended up back together and moving back here. I just ended up calling him every night. We talked more at that time then we do when we are together.

If I had cancer or some other horrible disease, he would understand that, but mental illness? No, I am just being over dramatic.

Does anyone else have a similar situation? I feel like I am trying to the best of my current abilities to work on US, while he just doesn't care...The thing is, for all of this, I do still love him and I don't want to split up. Some part of me feels he doesn't either, but I am tired of my 'problems' being made into the reason for this, because it isn't the only thing.

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If you're not married it's actually easier, in most states, to get custody of a child. The worst that can happen (based on my own experience) is you are awarded joint custody. In PA, ownership is 9/10s. Without a custodial order in place, the *custody* defaults to the parent who actually has the child. I agreed to joint custody knowing full well it was a power issue and kid's dad had no interest in being a substantive part of kid's life. It was ALL about power.

Get out while you still can. You'll be a better mother in the long run. You and your kid deserve better. Much better.

Edited by S9

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Younger children actually seem to adapt to divorce better than do older children...

And I think being so isolated, away from friends and family, and with a partner who really doesn't care about you and says so probably adds to your depression.

You might try couples' counseling, if he'll go...but I doubt he'll either want to or want to admit that he has responsibilities in the relationship he's not fulfilling IF he actually goes.

Either of which gives you two choices:a loveless marriage until your child is 18, or leaving.

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But here is the thing:

What if he is right to be pissed at me? I mean, yes, I am depressed and I know that is hard to deal with. It was thought I was bipolar but that was pretty much decided no this week (still might be borderline...) so I know I am difficult. I am too emotional and I realize there are things that upset me that maybe other women wouldn't care about. Sometimes something bugs me at one time when it might not another time.

It is hard for me to keep this house as spotless as he wants it. It's clean enough, dishes are usually washed, no toys on the floor etc, but I don't always get around to sweeping and mopping and sometimes I am slow with the laundry (get it washed but not put away). He thinks I am lazy. Sometimes I worry I am not depressed at all and he is right- I am just lazy. I have no energy for anything, so I guess I can't entirely blame him. I am not working because our son's kindergarten is odd and he only goes 1-3:30 and there are only 3 daycares that will drop him off and pick him up from school and they are all full. However, I feed him, clean up after him, take him to school, put him to bed- all that stuff, so it's not like I sit on my butt ALL day. It just takes all my energy to do those things.

So part of me just thinks, well maybe it IS me and if I can just get the right meds and whatnot I can get te house cleaned right, go to school, get a decent job, have my own life and he will stop resenting how I 'rely' on him. Maybe, just maybe, THEN we can be happy.

And I do love him despite all this, and he is a great Dad. So I feel completely stuck. And yet my social phobia and depression keeps me from being able to DO anything about it.

Anyway, you are right Stickler, being away from my family and friends is definitely a huge part of the problem, but he can't work in his field where we are from (advertising). So I really do feel trapped.

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Keirelle

He is right to be upset. His feelings are valid. yes you have a mental illness, but yes there are things you can do that show you are making a real attempt to move forward in life. right now it sounds like you appear to him that you are like an alcoholic who is very passive about their illness...who drinks and takes no responsibility for being sick. oh they may go to AA but they still drink heavily, still expect their spouse or significant other to take care of them, and are just like, I am an alcoholic so I can't be blamed for anything. not true.

As someone who has suffered terribly from depression I can say this is not true. You do not put your illness on other people. Yes, your man should be there for you, but he should not have to be the one to solve your depression; to do everything for you. Only you can do that so you should really learn how to rely on yourself and to do things for yourself.

on staying together...do you really want to be with someone who is staying with you because you have threatened them with moving away with their and your child? Wouldn't it be nice to have a relationship based on love and mutual respect, and not because you're holding him hostage? try to be brave enough to change the dynamics of your relationship...starting with having a serious talk with him and letting him know you won't take his child away from him. you want someone to be with you because they love you, respect you, and care for you...not because of fear.

edited to add: I read this over and realized I am being a little harsh with you. that's not my intention, it's just I have been where you are and now that I no longer interact with my husband in that way, I see now how terrible things must have been for him...all those years. I wrote a blog post about it:

http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/blog/468/entry-21278-easy-to-be-with/

good luck and I hope things get better for you both.

Edited by earthgarden

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Holding him hostage? He's never here. He gets to go and do whatever he wants because he knows I am always here caring for our son.

I don't for one second think I am easy to live with, but I actually don't expect much from him other than what a person would typically do for someone they love. I don't expect him to do anything for me, other than to communicate and be physically loving- and no I am not talking about sex, I mean the little things that you do with someone you love. He doesn't kiss me goodnight, he doesn't ever hug me unless I do it first, he never says he loves me unless I directly ask him. So yeah, if that simple thing changed, things would be a lot different around here.

And threatened him with moving? Threatened?? We aren't from here. I have no one here to talk to, no family, no friends. Plus I have social anxiety so that is really hard for me anyway. If he is being horrible and can't even speak to me, yeah you better believe if we have to split up that I will not stay here. Why would i? I have no reason to. That's not threatening, that's my only option and he already knows that. Both sets of grandparents are back home, everyone we know pretty much. We only came here originally so he could go to school, he knew I didn't want to stay here, but he is selfish. It's all about him and his job and that he likes it here.

We have been together for TEN years. Do you really think I haven't tried to have a 'serious talk' with him about this? Trust me I have. Many times.

Just because I have depression doesn't mean I am the cause of this. I am actually trying to speak to him and do something about our issues. He doesn't.

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If you are unhappy, and he is unhappy, then it makes sense to make a change somewhere.

I think in a relationship if there is a problem often it is on both sides but that doesnt mean that it is ALL your fault or ALL his fault, if that makes sense. Perhaps it is reasonable to suggest that you find his behaviour difficult and upsetting and he feels the same about your behaviour.

Maybe you could visit family more frequently or have them visit you - having more support could really help you deal with everything better.

Everyone seems to be concerned with the effects of divorce on kids - but i think it can be so, so much worse living in a family where everyone fights and doesnt get along.

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Keirelle,

Sometimes (most times) emotional abuse is as devastating as physical abuse. I've been down both roads and it is a nightmare. It sounds to me like your man has systematically taken from you all that is YOU. It's your job to take it back. And it's no small feat and I don't think anyone who's been through it would tell you differently. You are not a bad person. Regardless of what you are doing or not with respect to your MI, you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. There is NEVER an excuse for saying the hurtful things your partner says to you. Ever. imo.

You really need a therapist to figure this all out. I mean we can give you our well intentioned advice, but ultimately this is going to be a decision you have to make on your own. Know what I mean? When my first son was six years old, I moved from Texas to PA because I finally saw that raising him basically alone was going to kill me. I was suicidally depressed and every chance I got when he was with his dad I would get wasted and just cry. My family has numerous flaws but when it gets down to the nut cutting we stick together. And that makes the biggest difference.

Anyway, I can tell you all day long the reasons I think you should seriously consider getting out of this relationship, but I'm not a therapist and this is a HUGE problem for you. Whether you stay or go, the position you're in right now is pretty much killing your spirit (or at least that's how it sounds to me.)

eta: Okay, I read over your initial post again. You have a therapist, but I'm too tired to change this post to reflect I know that. ;)

Edited by S9

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Would he be willing to talk to your therapist on the phone or in person to no that you're not 'lazy'? That is if you would be comfortable with that of course. Would either of you ever do couples counseling? I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds really rough, and ultimately you have to make the right decision for your child and for YOU. Remember what is right for your child is often in line with what is right for YOU. Don't let your husband take away your self-esteem/and self-worth, which is indeed what he is doing. Yes, there are two sides of every story, but his side sure ain't looking good.

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