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I wish I could learn not to be this way


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I really hate being paranoid whenever I'm outside of my house (or even inside). I was in the grocery store and there was this man in black just standing doing nothing outside of the aisles, and it really freaked me out. I imagined him watching my mom and I leave the store and then him following me home and stealing my stuff. Or how I sit in my room and am paranoid that it isn't my parents that are going to come home but robbers, and then I have to stay up till they get home so I can make sure they lock the door (sometimes my dad forgets, much to my severe annoyance, and I have to wait up for them just so I can take care of it). It's maddening. I always think someone is following me or listening in on me or is going to get revenge on me even when I haven't done anything. I don't know why I'm like this. I haven't suffered any traumas...at least none that I'm aware of. My house is safe and I live in a safe neighborhood and am always around people. But I'm just sure people are poisoning my stuff and watching me and spitting in my food and sprinkling biologically engineered diseases on my clothes. I'm also paranoid I'm going to catch AIDS or another bad disease by it going under my fingernails. Today I found flaky skin on my coat (probably mine since it's winter and I'm dry) and I was convinced it was poison. Not sure what to do. What can I do to not deal with this stuff? How can I get away from it. I'm taking Risperdal, but it hasn't taken the edge off at all.

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Koali, I don't believe that meds alone can help us with our mental illnesses. Are you getting any kind of therapy? If you are seeing a pdoc to get your meds, could he refer you to a therapist?

I hope other people will respond with some helpful suggestions, but the best I can think of is to talk to a therapist.

olga

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It is complicated, and mainly my fault. I've had the same therapist for about 19 or 20 months now. She goes to my church and is a general therapist, so like with families, little kids, and teens etc. She's very sweet and fair with prices and I trust her A LOT, but I feel like I could have someone much more qualified to deal with me. After all, I can have psychotic episodes, and I need someone who specializes in OCD and paranoia especially. I don't want to leave her cause I hate change, but like I said, I may be held back. I want a med to help but you're right, I need to train myself to deal and to not freak out too...

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I also am diagnosed with OCD. I've had almost the whole spectrum of obsessions. Somehow these obsessions left me on their own, since they were there all the time my mind just got bored with them. I do have flare-ups still, thoughts and ideas that just get stuck and I cannot let it go. I have been on Prozac on and off for about 2 to 3 years and it has greatly reduced my symptoms of OCD. Although I would prefer no medication, I can't deny that it really helps me. I just started seeing a psychologist and she is interested in using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) with me. I looked into it and think it would be the best therapy for me. All people are different but it may help you too. Mostly what always helps me when I get really lost in my thoughts is a practice called "mindfulness" (part of ACT). Just be aware of the current moment and only focus on the "now" (if that is possible for you, it takes a lot of focus). Realize where you are and what's ACTUALLY happening, not what COULD happen.

Best of luck, and I hope you find something that helps you.

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Hmm...maybe I should try Prozac, I keep hearing it helps with OCD. I can't tell if OCD causes paranoia or if paranoia causes OCD, or if they're both just as strong with or without each other. Maybe I should ask my therapist about ACT. We're running out of things to try. Or at least a new therapist that knows how to do it. I wanna try it cause I can't stand living this way. I'd probably be suicidal about it if I weren't on a mood stabilizer that keeps me from being totally upset..

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Hi koali777.

I just wanted to say that I'm glad that the mood stabilizers keep you from wanting to die.

I hope very much so that the addition of one or more meds will bring you back down to earth where you are not a prisoner in your own mind.

From what I have observed about you on cb's I think that you are strong and smart- willing to fight.

Best of luck.

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