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Is it possible to feel suicidal without really feeling much?


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I'm experiencing the strangest feeling right now, and have been all afternoon. My medication is helping me not fly off the handle and get angry and sad, but I feel like deep down there's this throbbing emotion, and this desire to kill myself. I can't explain it. I don't have many reasons to do it. But then again, I do. I hate being on medications but I have to be. I'm also diabetic and have been since I was 3 (Type 1) and I'm totally sick of that. It's not like death because the pain is so bad, it's different...I can't even explain it. And I know it would be an awful thing to do to people who care about me and I know it's a cop-out but I still feel it. Or don't feel it. I'm so confused. My emotions...I'm trying to FEEL but I can't. I hope someone knows what I'm talking about.

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maybeeee.

gosh this is a tough one I think.

maybe the drugs, whilst helping you in many ways, also give you a lil something you didnt bargain for. maybe its like the part of your brain that is supposed to control and regulate your feelings towards yourself and your will to live has been comprimised? Maybe the other more positive effects of the drug almost cancel it out but *not quite.* was this helpful?

btw- i read your response to my latest thread: :-) I alwayz thought you were that awesome.. NOW I KNOW.

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Thank you ;) I know what it's like to need companionship and for people to comment your stuff. I'm probably not a safe friend to have at all, but as long as I'm feeling okay then I'm a good person to talk to. And maybe what you suggested is true...I'm scared to tell my psychiatrist cause I don't want to be over drugged cause I'm a danger to myself. I'm just having strange thoughts is all. But I can't feel it. I dunno.

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I'm alwayz afraid of being over-medicated as well becuz ITS HAPPENED to me! ZYPREXA. *sigh* it was too heavy for me. i was ready to fall asleep 24 hours outa the day. i had no brain... *echoooo*

but at the time i was only 17 and my parents were there every step of the way telling the doctor that I was doing GREAT and that the drug was *working.* they didnt really know any better but they should've.

At least you and i are adults now and can be our own self-advocates. Never be afraid to look the doctor in the eye and ask as many questions as your mind can think of. Doctors are not super-human. Even *the best* docotrs.

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I appreciate that you replied to me again. I just spent an hour talking to my best friend about this (yes, I am blessed to have her). She said a lot of what you said though so I believe it since you both said it. And to what you said personally, yes, I was on 240 mg Geodon and I was dead to the world! No emotions or pleasure at all. I never want that again.

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Given today? Yup............its way too possible. I stayed inside today, since I feared going out to buy a med I could OD on..........and its just a logical thought..........neither sad, nor panicked. Scarey shit.

And since I'm not on meds atm, its not them...........its life for one thing...........no money, no steady work, no heater in the slum hole in the wall room as the temps hit the mid forties F. Just got no reason to go on, atm..................nothing to look forward to , and nothing to be content with in the past.............numb.

Part of BP..............sometimes the DP won't let us feel. It's what I call Tired with a Captial T.................you're not alone wondering why we are thinking of dying.................if that helps........?

peace

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i fucking hate it when suicidal ideas grab me by the brains . all that holds the finger off the trigger is the cognition that there has been the majority of my life when that shit was not front and center . depression is the bane of my existence although i have been out of the pit for a month or so and the suicide, as an option, has gone dormant . i have been battered by meds - made an emotional wreck by powerful meds that incompetent pdocs have tossed at me . here's hoping that everyone survives the depression driven suicide ideation ! so often in my life it has been situational hardships that have driven my puny brain into the pit for months on end . my wits never grasp that the depression is coming on because i am being down by outside influences .

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;) I'm too tired to fool with quotes, but someone earlier in the string mentioned that it seems logical to think of suicide, and I often think that too. On a recent pdoc visit when the topic invariably came up, I said that it seems normal to me to sort of always have a suicide plan in the back of my mind, but that it probably wasn't normal. He confirmed that it's definitely not something most people think about. A big part of the reason I like to go to the pdoc is so that I can have an intellectual discussion about suicide without him getting all flipped out, like my friends would.

I just think that I have been so very sick so many times that it's become ingrained, like living in California and not getting excited over every small quake that comes through. I know that I'm not depressed right now, my mood is good, my life is good, but I still think about suicide, even though I'm not making any plans. It would be nice not to have come down this path and be blissfully ignorant of the abyss, but once you've been there I don't know if you ever get all the way back to normal again. Here's to good drugs and staying alive.

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Well my Risperdal was increased (I'm allowed to go to 2 mg if I want) and I was put on Pristiq. Here's hoping I won't have suicidal ideas after all. Maybe I just needed med switches. All of you sound like you can have really tough times and I'm sorry, I know what it feels like so I hate that you have to go through it.

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Well, without being disrepectful to the drs and therapists out there,, most don't have a clue about the illness...

I am 54, bp anxieties, personality disorder,, just a waste of space... I have been on every drug out there,, and the lottery of 6 to 10 diff at once, over 100 ects and

this has swung back and forth for near 40 years... and I know for a FACT that most people over their life time have thought about suicide and for our illness

it is Common to have suicidal ideations.,, daily,, alll day sometimes and may have several attempts as I have.. It is hell, I understand waking in the mornings

with massive anxiety building, and feelings of no hope of ever getting better bouncing in my mind along with confusion and fear and lonliness. You would think

the place it would be safe to drop the false faces we put on with your dr/ a professional .

it angers me, to hear of what you are going through, and it saddens me that I have been hearing it for decades, but there are so few in the profession that get it.

Many times I have gone through the very helpful argument on the site about ... If you are thinking about suicide , read this... many times

If our world of illness had any backing and acceptance as a Very serious illness,,check the stats for deaths,, we might see more availability to research drugs

like ketamine... not holding my breath...

be proud of yourself for each day you have the strength to try one more day

david

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