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So, if you read my recent post you saw that I was approved for SSDI. Basically money from the government for my crazy.. saying that I'm not fit to hold a job and whatnot. I don't disagree with them. Somehow, I thought it would solve all my problems. Like getting thin will help Anorexia. (Not being quip.. I actually understand all this being EDNOS). So why don't I feel better?

Instead I just feel the same if not worse. My parents are kicking me out.. yeah, I'm 25, but when I fell on my face they told me to come back.. now they've just gotten tired of me and want me gone. They later used the excuse of the SSDI to say it was time.. but they decided to kick me out before I'd told them I'd got it. I play things close to the vest like that. I suppose they think I'm stupid and that I'd just believe them.. but I'm smarter than that. They had no idea and they were willing to kick me out on the street. That's the fact of the matter.

So now I have to move upstate to sleep on a couch and not see my tdoc like I desperately need to. The pdoc isn't helping. I take everything like I'm supposed to, but I've tried so much, and it hasn't worked.. there's not alot of options. And Medicare doesn't cover ECT.

So now I'm realistically thinking of hording my Amitriptyline. You can see where I'm going with this. At least I hope you can. And hospital isn't an option because, realistically, what can be done there medically that can't be done out here? I'll follow the plan to a fault. Being cooped up is my worst fear.

So what do I do? Say it isn't working? Demand answers where there is none? I feel so stuck. What can I possibly do?

I need help and I don't think anyone can help me.

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Cetkat - I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry things are so tough. I know that feeling of "I'm totally fucked up and want help, but nothing is helping me." and it's not a good one. Are you 100% sure your parents aren't bluffing? Do they know you are literally going to be sleeping on someone's couch and not getting the medical attention you need? Sometimes people can be shockingly understanding when you lay out your needs.

I know the toll treatment-resistant depression can take on a person and hopefully some of CB members can give you some better advice. Just know I'm thinking about you and PM me if you need to talk.

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I've been fighting going on disability because it doesn't fit in with my career plans, but I can imagine the sense of relief that comes with it. You've won a major victory by getting on disability don't let that elude you.

There's probably a lot you still haven't tried. You can get a new therapist after you move.

Have you tried telling your parents you don't want to move, that you're not ready?

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CetKat

25 is rather old to still live at home. If both parties were fine with it, that's ok but it sounds like your parents are not fine with you still living there. Try to think of it not as them kicking you out but rather as them giving you the gift of independence, releasing you from the prison of childhood. Instead of resenting them for doing what is best for you and them, ask them for help in setting you up your new adult space. maybe you aren't ready to live alone, but that does not mean you have to impose on your parents' space and household. There are halfway homes and assisted living for adults with mental illness in most places (you are in the states I assume) and/or you could get a room mate. You can ask your parents for help in finding these resources.

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Are you 100% sure your parents aren't bluffing? Do they know you are literally going to be sleeping on someone's couch and not getting the medical attention you need? Sometimes people can be shockingly understanding when you lay out your needs.

I know the toll treatment-resistant depression can take on a person and hopefully some of CB members can give you some better advice. Just know I'm thinking about you and PM me if you need to talk.

Another thing - looking at your med list, you haven't tried MAOIs. Has your pdoc suggested them yet? They aren't as scary as they sound, and they are miracle drugs for some people.

Thanks. No, they're not bluffing. I was actually at said friend's house after new years and I got a voicemail saying that I was no longer going to be able to live here. It was all very cold. Once I got back a few weeks later (I was helping her and her dad move), I calmly confronted them and told them everything about how all this would affect me, (especially with the Depression) but it didn't make a bit of difference. They're giving me a few weeks to finish up some legal stuff in town - then I'm to be gone. I still can't believe they'd treat me like that.. feels like I just lost my family.

Neither one of us has said anything about it since.. but I know it's only a matter of time.

My pdoc actually hasn't suggested them yet.. probably because he's newer to my case and is only just now getting to the "I don't know what to do" stage, but they're definitely on my list. Unfortunately they're also last on the list & they're next to try after upping what I'm on now (and possibly sticking some Strattera/Mirapex/Remeron in there as a totally off-label theoretical use). At least I don't have any other ideas.

I've been fighting going on disability because it doesn't fit in with my career plans, but I can imagine the sense of relief that comes with it. You've won a major victory by getting on disability don't let that elude you.

There's probably a lot you still haven't tried. You can get a new therapist after you move.

Have you tried telling your parents you don't want to move, that you're not ready?

I'll try. There's just so much negative around me that I'm having a hard time feeling good about anything. I was pretty happy about it initially.. maybe I can get that back.

I'd like that to be the case. I'm going to push my pdoc to look at my file outside of the office & see if he notices anything I haven't. And there is another pdoc there that he works with that is even better med-wise than him. However, I went to a very good one up in Jax before coming here & he tried everything he could think of short of the MAOI's. I don't have much hope.. especially since I'm seeing a pattern of becoming less and less responsive to the same meds.

As for the therapist, I can't really afford to see one up there. There's no sliding-scale clinics/practices like there is here, and I have to wait two years before I'm eligible for Medicare. Plus, I'm incredibly attached to the one here.. she's the best I've ever had - so I'm at a loss even if I could see someone else.

CetKat

25 is rather old to still live at home. If both parties were fine with it, that's ok but it sounds like your parents are not fine with you still living there. Try to think of it not as them kicking you out but rather as them giving you the gift of independence, releasing you from the prison of childhood. Instead of resenting them for doing what is best for you and them, ask them for help in setting you up your new adult space. maybe you aren't ready to live alone, but that does not mean you have to impose on your parents' space and household. There are halfway homes and assisted living for adults with mental illness in most places (you are in the states I assume) and/or you could get a room mate. You can ask your parents for help in finding these resources.

Well, it's really not that cut and dry. I actually don't like living with my parents.. but not wanting me here and not caring what happens to me are two very different things.

I moved out on my own when I was 17 and stayed gone till 23. That's when everything fell apart and I gave in to their constant "You should move back home so you can save money - being on your own makes no sense - don't you like us" comments. Plus, I no longer had healthcare and where they lived had special programs that I could use whereas Jax has none. Staying meant no treatment, moving back here was my only option. Even now I'm going to have to come back here for my pdoc appt b/c there's nowhere else to go & they'll still treat me. I prefer independence and I'm lucky enough to be able to afford it now - to a point - but right now, doing what's medically best for me is more important than living where I'm most happy. Them up and deciding that I have to leave and where I went wasn't their problem is unacceptable. They could have given me a head's up so I could make plans, they could have waited to see if I'd get the SSDI; instead, they left me a voicemail when I was out of town. That's not what people who care about what's in your best interest do.

Cetkat I missed this post at first, how are you feeling now?

Hey there. It's ok.. I stepped back from my post for a little bit anyway, just got a bit overwhelmed with everything.

Unfortunately I'm not feeling any better, and the thought about where I'm going has me concerned. The place I'll be crashing for a year is with my best friend Jenn and her brother and father. She had to move back in with her dad when I went back to my parents' and she's been worse off than me. I have a choice between spending $500 a month by myself, or $200 a month to be an emotional (and now physical - yay) buffer between her and her abusive dad. After a year, she'll be done with school and be able to move out - so we'll get a place together again; but, in the meantime she needs my help. The money part just makes it logical.

I was at her new place when I got the voicemail, and she had me a place to stay within 5 mins. Plus I really miss her. I keep telling myself that it's only a year & he'll be on his best (well, better) behavior with me there.. which is true.. but I'm not happy about it. It's just more added stress. Ugh. I have far too much of that right now.

How have you been?

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Ugh.. I hate late in the day. In the morning and afternoon I have a routine: drink coffee, catch up on feeds/blogs/emails, play with my niece. I'm not happy, but I'm busy. As it gets later and later there are pauses.. silence. My barriers against my emotions get tired and weak & I fall. I just get worse and worse until it finally gets late enough to knock myself out and go to bed.

I feel so weak and like I have no reserves. Well, I suppose that's because I don't. I used to. I used to be strong and confident. Now I'm just washed away by the tide of my depression.

It feels like the day is just fake. A facade. The only time I feel real is when I cry. Then I know I exist - that I'm here. It feels like the only truth I have.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you.. I just... I don't know. I wish I had something. Anything. I'm always reaching.. but there's nothing there to grab.

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Guest JustExisting24/7

Hey,

I am so sorry to hear about your story. Just remember you are not alone. I am also 25 and suffer from Major Severe Depression and nothing else. I have been runnning from it for 10 years and am finally getting the help I need. Non of the new medication I have tried is working. I am really thinking about ETC as well one day. Nobody should have to live like this. My next step is MAOI's. I don't care what I have to do. I fucking hate living like this.

I can't believe your parents would do that. That's so fucked up. My parents kicked me out once but I was doing cocaine at the time. But I am 25 and of course it is way to old to be living with them but I need help bad. I can't physically move most of the time. Nothing gives me pleasure. Nothing. I am also going to be getting of disability soon or at least for a little bit.

Ok, Hang in there! You can get thought this,

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ok, Hang in there! You can get thought this,

Thanks.. I sure hope so.

It's finally been decided that I'm moving out next week. I've resolved what I needed to do here before leaving - that opportunity I had to beg for of course. So now my time has definitely run out. I'm not sure which day yet.. but I suppose that doesn't really matter. I'm going from a bad situation to an even worse one & my psych help is now limited to once a month - not good considering I'm breaking down just thinking about it. Cried all day today, nothing seems to help, save some Xanax to calm me down.. but of course that doesn't relieve my feelings - just numbs them.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this.. perhaps I just need to numb myself and stop feeling entirely (not with meds but in my head). I don't even know if I can even do that anymore though. *sigh*

I'm completely screwed.

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Hey,

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I don't have the answer, but maybe there is a med out there that will work for you. I am currently struggling trying to find the right one (with a stupid pdoc to boot) and I am trying to keep positive. If you keep your head up maybe that will help. You are always welcome to talk to me if you need to. ;)

Liam

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