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I feel far from it today...

Last hit I has was yesterday morning. Barely any money and 6 grand in debt there's nothing I can do to get any more.... and maybe I don't want to.

So I'm back on the bupe... 6mg at the moment. That takes away the pains and most of the cravings. I've also got a bit of a stash of catapres and I've taken a few of those today. It also helps with the withdrawal symptoms, though it's made me shit tired.

It's these times I wonder what rehab could do for me, again. I've been once. Some say it's like reading a book twice, then again it's not really a book is it?

I've been having nightmares, and they are nightmares in the purest sense. It's like pure evil is out to get me, and I wake up with the feeling that my brain wants to kill me. It feels absolutely horrific at the time.

Anyone else here on H? Got any stories to share to cheer this old bum up?

With love.

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I haven't been where you are. But - if you are thinking of trying rehab again, there will be at least a few people there who can share their stories with you also.

IMO - you're a real hero for looking at getting clean, and that ain't easy. Simple, but NOT easy.

Sending good thoughts.

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Man the place you're in sucks big time but I've been there many many times.

I went through rehab numerous times, at one place ...at least 5-6 times. I kept hearing people say "fall down 7 times, get up 8" - things like that.

Nothing is as bad as opiate/opiods withdrawals, except for maybe alcohol/benzos but the crawlies, the jonesings... omg I remember them well.

If I had anything to give you it would be "yeah, go back to rehab, do it again" - then again it depends on how bad your ass has been kicked - my ass was kicked so hard I thought I was going to die and then I became willing to do whatever they told me to do.

I sometimes think I have another run in me but I really doubt I'll make it back.

I am coming up on six years clean and sober. The only time I get pain meds today is when someone holds them for me and it's for the least amount possible.

Do I miss the euphoria, yessssss but the price...oh the price tag.

They didn't have bup when I went through, just the patches for blood pressure, along with some valium in the detox.

Anyways, stand up again. This time it could be the time it "clicks" for you.

You don't have to use just to keep from getting sick any more - you can be free. I'll be here to support you if nothing else.

I do AA so here's a quick thingy from the 12 steps

  1. There's a power that will kill me.
  2. There's a power that wants me to live.
  3. Which do I want? (If you want to die, stop here. If you want to live, go on.)
  4. Using examples from your own life, understand that selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear control your actions.
  5. Tell all your private, embarrassing secrets to another person.
  6. Decide whether or not you want to live that way any more.
  7. If you want your life to change, ask a power greater than yourself to change it for you. (If you could have changed it yourself, you would have long ago.)
  8. Figure out how to make right all the things you did wrong.
  9. Fix what you can without causing more trouble in the process.
  10. Understand that making mistakes is part of being human (When you make a mistake, fix it, immediately if you can.)
  11. Ask for help to treat yourself and others the way you want your higher power to treat you.
  12. Don't stop doing 1 through 11, and Pass It On!!
--Author Unknown
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Thank you both for your replies.

Yeah, not a good day! I've spent most of it on the couch. It's like, going to the bathroom is really hard. That whole thing.

Temptestia - Thanks for the reading. I've thought about going to an NA meeting after this has passed. It's a good start.

The bupe is helping... I'm sure it'd be 10 times as worse without it.

Let's hope I sleep tonight!

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Igogaine....look it up! my son has successfully kicked with little trouble in a joint in mexico using this potent psychoactive root bark. in fact, he is working in the place with recovering addicts. his mate has told me that she knows of people that have somehow gotten hold of it and used it in a non clinical setting . i only offer this as information, not as an endorsement . this same son has kicked cold turkey under my roof . i have kicked and stayed clean for decades under my own steam .

no matter what method - the prospect of using the junk has to be repulsive . hope that you have hit bottom and don't cross addict to booze or another narcotic . life is better without that shit-better in every way without the delusional "i am three days clean i can take or leave it just once and then it's back to keeping clean" or any of the thousands of bullshit stories that addicts tell themselves.

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go back to treatment! i've known so many people who have been many, many times and eventually gotten it. i would suggest, if it is possible for you, to get off the bupe while you are in treatment. there's a lot of controversy about this, but my personal experience (with myself and watching others) has been that even though bupe doesn't come close to even a mild high for a heroin addict, you're still high while you're on it, and it keeps those addict circuits in the brain activated, making relapse more likely, even if it blocks cravings (it didn't really block cravings for me, anyway). even if the bupe does block the opiate cravings, another major threat is developing a cross-addiction, and i think staying on bupe and keeping those circuits activated makes a cross addiction more likely.

also, i would suggest that after you go to treatment, stay in a halfway house for awhile. going right back to the environment where you used is very risky.

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  • 2 months later...

I get those nightmares, too. Just some big, black, awful unknown is hunting you down. You run, but it is always right behind you. Sometimes I wake up and it takes me several minutes to come back to reality and let the fear dissipate.

However, I've been having them less and less since I've been on suboxone for a little over a year. I still have nightmares sometimes, but more like the normal kind. And I have started having a few really great dreams, too. I've worked on some methods of controlling what I dream about, and it has given me a sense of control during the dreams - as if a tiny part of me recognizes that they are just dreams, part of my own mind, and that I can control the direction of them. Sometimes I even get them to turn into awesome sex dreams with some starry-eyed goddess!

If you read up on "lucid dreaming" you can find some techniques that may help you overcome the sense of helplessness you have in those nightmares.

I also have been taking seroquel - it gives me very vivid dreams, very bizarre, memorable ones. But, they are mostly neutral in nature, and I tend to learn a lot from my dreams. I'm a person who has always been detached from my own emotions, and listening to my dreams helps me realize where I am mentally sometimes. And, it is fun. I've had three bonefide lucid dreams where I realized that I was dreaming and then was able to completely control what happened - lets just say that they would make an awesome X-rated movie! It is absolutely possible to learn to do this, not even that hard. And now I really look forward to a night of dreaming - it makes up for the ho-hum, drab existence I lead of just working all the time during my normal life. And, it has given me a little bit of self-confidence. The world of dreams is a fantastic place - anything is possible - and when you become able to change or direct what is happening, you get the gift of this amazing second life where anything is possible and nothing is forbidden to you, like the ultimate virtual reality game!

But yeah, those vague black demons made up of sheer terror are no fun. I do think it is a side effect of quitting dope, because I never had them quite like that until I got addicted and then quit. Look into the lucid dreaming stuff - there are hundreds of great websites about it.

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