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Cut after one year


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I feel like a complete failure. I hadn't cut since last February, and I just did today. I couldn't get my best friend on the phone or my mom, video games and deep breathing weren't helping, I am soooo lost in my chemistry class because my medicine makes it hard for me to read and to process things, I'm gaining weight from my medication, I have no energy, no motivation, no drive, no desire to do anything but surf the internet and watch TV. I mean what a loser. And I'm not cutting to die cause if I was I probably would have succeeded cause I know how. I just wanted to express myself some way and I feel so alone. I STILL haven't gotten ahold of anyone. I don't want to talk to my therapist cause I'm in the process of getting a new one. Everything sucks. I totally failed here, cutting is terrible, but I did it and it felt better.

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You didn't do anything wrong. When I "swore off cutting" years ago I relapsed because my coping skills simply weren't up to what was being thrown at me from life.

I developed coping skills and instead of cutting I started using a red marker on my arms and then when I got to my legs I started making intricate patterns. Would go on for about an hour til the "pressure" felt released. What a freaking mess my legs were afterwards. Glad I had pants instead of shorts or skirts.

Again...you didn't "fail" ...you relapsed.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Well...try not to beat yourself up about it.

You went a year, that's more than I could do back then. Nobody can take that year that you didn't cut away from you.

If your head is out to get you and you're going to beat yourself up about it...then tell your head "thanks for sharing now she the hell up"

I do it all the time, my head lies to me alot.

Of course you might not want to say that in public...someone might take offense.

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Like Tempestia said, don't beat yourself up. I've gone several years without cutting and I still get the urge to cut at least every few months. All we can do is our best. Sometimes the more "acceptable" coping mechanisms just aren't enough and it causes us to slip up. Just the other day I was telling my pdoc that the only thing that keeps me from cutting sometimes is to punch leg or dig my fingernails into my arms. It sucks. I feel like a failure and hate myself a little more each time I do any of those things. I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself, and that you are able to get a hold of someone that you can talk to. I don't know where you live, so the weather might make this not be an option, but sometimes when I feel like that I'll go for a short walk. Anyway, I just wanted to say that you are not alone. Take care.

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Thank you for the kindness. It helps to hear about other people struggling with it, and I like the support. I will try not to hate myself, and I will do the marker thing, drawing the cuts. I mean I like how they look, so that should suffice. I'm also seeing my pdoc tomorrow so I'm gonna tell her what happened and fix my meds cause I've been crying for no reason...

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T.U.T.O.R.I.N.G helpsssssssssssssssss ...just go a few times and see if they can't help you - I spent 4 hours in math tutoring where I'm at and they had chem, physics and math all mixed in one room...it's pretty low key and the tutors are students who get paid...it's free for us and they get paid, everybody wins

So come on, if I ...little Ms. Shy and feels so dumbass with algebra can go and stick my scrawny neck out and ask for help (and look stupid when I don't get it lol) then you can too...

not saying you have a scrawny neck... I meant...ummm....insert foot and chew vigerously lol

just go to tutoring and check it out - what do you have to lose? ;)

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