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Does it ever go away?


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Even on my good days, I think about cutting. I visualize it. I imagine how it feels. And on my bad days, it's like I'm holding the leash against a muscle-bound dog trying to get away. I'll admit that I think I'm a masochist. The only reason I don't cut these days is because I don't want to tell my pdoc that I cut. But the thoughts are there every day. Every. Single. Day. I haven't cut since August, and in August, I hadn't cut since ... the December before? I never did cut really badly or deeply. For a cutter, I was safe. And I just can't stop thinking about it. From my perspective, it might actually be healthier for me to cut my feelings rather than eat them. They both end up showing, and they're both dangerous, but at least my scars heal without leaving much of a mark, while eating my feelings only seems to stick around.

I'm at the muscle-bound bitch phase right now, forcing myself not to cut, especially since I have a pdoc appt tomorrow.

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From my experience it does get better - not sure about the "go away" part... it's been since 94 since I SI-but fwiw I still think about it when things are intense... I just haven't acted on it yet and hope I never do. There was never anything safe about cutting when I did it.

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I used a shaving razor with a guard, and I made sure to stay away from major veins and arteries, so the cuts were always shallow, and I took care of them afterward. You can only see a few of them on my arm and none of the ones I did on the side of my wrist. So, for a cutter, I was relatively safe. I probably did more damage wrist banging.

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