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Cut so deep it didn't even hurt


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;) I think at 23 I'm finally acknowledging the reasons and motivations for why I cut. Then again they could all be lies, but at least I'm exploring it. The other night I cut so deeply I needed stitches. It was a clean slice, no pain, no familiar heart beat tension. I reeled from the shock of how wide and deep it was. I sliced through the fat and could see directly into my arm. (the P.A said if I had gone any deeper I would have needed visceral surgery) It was a total accident (at least consciously). I've come to find that cutting quiets the suicidal thoughts, at least temporarily. And for a week or so after, I feel pretty damn good about life, but depression and suicidal tendencies are just so damn insidious. They always find me. This cut is different in that it didn't do that for me this time. Maybe I need to add into the equation of how my heart races with tension when I cut, I honestly think that's what keeps me from going deeper. You know that build up that truly makes me feel alive. It's like, "how marvelous it is to feel my heart beat so excitedly" that it just stops me from pressing harder, like I stated earlier, that sensation was missing in my recent episode.

I started seeing a new Pdoc in December. He's such an old school psychiatrist. Every appointment with him is 45 minutes and I see him twice a week. Everything I say has meaning and a connection to something else and I can often feel him trying to puzzle it all together, getting deeper to the core of me. He's not shoving meds down my throat nor labeling me with a diagnosis, just trying to chisel away all the bullshit to get to the root. I've never had a pdoc like him, didn't really think anymore existed like this. He's trying to figure out my sado-masochist tendencies. Kinda makes me think I should get into BDSM. He's also thinking I've repressed painful memories, not sold completely on it, although he's not the only one to come to that conclusion. I don't know. If I continue I'll just keep rambling. :) :)

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