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Suicide: A song in your head?


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To me, my desire to hurt myself or commit suicide are almost exactly like getting a song stuck in my head. You know, you hear a catchy tune, and then you hear the same line running over and over in your head. Sometimes it bubbles out of your mouth.

This is exactly what is going on in my head right now, only it's, "Go hurt yourself, go hurt yourself." Over and over are these thoughts that are just compelling me, like they are STUCK in my head. I'm resisting it and not acting on it today, but it's driving me crazy, if you'll pardon the pun.

Is it like this for anyone else?

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in the past, during severe bouts of depression, there could be drawn a parallel with a 'stuck' song and constant suicidal ideation .

the only time there were stuck songs was when i was a teen and radio rotations were so fucking limited and payola put the worst crap on the dj's turntables every hour or so . another example of the bad old days .

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I've never had any particular desire to hurt myself, although I've done so.* So, that's not a song I've ever heard.

And usually I have suicidal thoughts following something I've done or failed to do, meaning I can generally trace them back to some something or other. Whether suicidal thoughts are the appropriate response to this something or other is of course debatable, as is whether or not what I'm assigning as the cause of the thoughts is in fact the correct cause. But, putting all that aside, I don't seem to leap spontaneously into thoughts of suicide, as you seem to be doing with self-harm. Or maybe I'm reading something into your post which isn't there? If so, I apologize.

As for me...I guess I gotta have a reason, even if it is possibly a piss-poor or completely wrong one.

* - Too complicated to go into ATM, other than to say it was an attempt at motivating myself. Sort of worked, too, for a period of about six months. Much to my surprise.

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oh my god yes! For me it's "I've got to cut." And the voice just gets louder and faster until it drowns out everything else. My anxiety shoots through the roof until I actually do give in and cut. And then it seems I'm back to normal. The "song" so to speak was pretty bad up until a few years ago when I was put on seroquel. That drastically reduced my anxiety, self injury urges and bizarre intrusive thoughts.

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Seriously, this. Except, when there's a song stuck in my head, it doesn't actively drown out the things people are saying to me.

It's also a bit like regular thoughts-that-come-in-the-form-of-a-sentence that I get; in exactly the same 'tone of voice' my brain uses when very hungry to say, 'Hey, you could get some nachos. Nachos are tasty. Go make nachos,' it will say, 'Cut yourself. Go on. Wimp. You'll feel better.'

And, in both cases, it will often refuse to stop thinking that thought until it gets what it wants. About the only thing that works is a serious distraction, along the lines of vital important owrk-typestuff that must be done now, or a friend who's more depressed than me and wants to talk.

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To me, my desire to hurt myself or commit suicide are almost exactly like getting a song stuck in my head. You know, you hear a catchy tune, and then you hear the same line running over and over in your head. Sometimes it bubbles out of your mouth.

This is exactly what is going on in my head right now, only it's,

god kill me. god i don't want to live. i don't want to live until the end of this line i'm typing. let me die. i wish i was dead. i must kill myself. i don't want to live. god please let me die. god i just don't want to have ever existed. i don't want to be.

careful. i mustn't let people hear this. that will make things worse. much much worse people upset and doctors and hospitals and and i couldn't bear that. and then i couldn't kill myself if it became unbearable and that would truly truly be terrible and i'd be so so so so very afraid i must be able to escape if i have to.

i must commit suicide. dammit. i said that one aloud. whew! nobody heard it this time. i just want to die. i just want to die. your username is crashing in my head yummy secrets this is a secret but not yummy i just wish i wasn't.

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Yes. I've never been so scared in my life, either, as when suffering from this.

It sounds like some form intrusive thoughts to me. I think both medication and therapy can help control them.

You're not alone; so please, make it through. If it seems really dire, call your tdoc or your pdoc or a suicide hotline.

I'll be thinking of you, and wishing you well.

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ALL THE TIME! Always thinking just die, wish I was dead. The scariest thing is sometimes it gets so strong, I do actually say stuff out loud. Usually it's "she's dead", "she died", "die." So third person for me too.

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ALL THE TIME! Always thinking just die, wish I was dead. The scariest thing is sometimes it gets so strong, I do actually say stuff out loud. Usually it's "she's dead", "she died", "die." So third person for me too.

amazing, hahaha. third person. why do you think this is?

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  • 3 weeks later...

I can relate.

When I am frustrated, or angry, this phrase (third person) comes in mind: "and she wanted to kill herself..."

In my mind it's usually something like, "she shot herself in the head," when I'm embarrassed or otherwise upset. That also happens with things that aren't suicide related though, like, "she said politely," and, "she stepped carefully."

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Oh yeah, I definitely know what you mean. During my last really bad episode, I'd be haunted by these thoughts pretty much 24/7. I'd be sitting in class, and all I'd be able to think of was death. Thoughts like "I should just kill myself now" would chase each other around in my head constantly. Other times I'd mentally act out my suicide plan over and over again. It felt pretty much inescapable.

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  • 2 months later...

I totally relate, the song analogy is exactly how it's like for me during the day, it's crazy how often the thought of killing myself pops into my head, and it worries me more that it's no longer a stress reaction, I can just be doing something menial and it'll pop into my head and it won't stop. I would never act on it (again.. after the last time I swore I would never put my mother through that) so it's even more frustrating.

At night the hours I spend in bed before I can actually sleep it's different, some days I have this image of myself physically ramming something through my skull, like it's not a "nagging thought" or a "song on repeat" it's like this crazy drastic jutting thought that keeps piercing my brain. It's frustrating because I know I won't do it but I don't know how to stop it.

Cutting is a whole other story. It started as an impulse, when I was 9 I just picked up pieces of a broken glass frame and instinctively cut, I had never heard of it before and I don't know how I ended up doing it, after I realzied it was cathartic for me, it became a ritual, I'd plan, rush around and get my kit (razers, band aids, bandages cuffs, whatever I needed to cover my cuts). But after that it drifted out of control. I ended up scratching my nails down the sides of my neck so hard that I still have scars. That scared me so I forced myself to stop, (and my mom sent me to a therapist).

Now almost two years later I'm back to cutting (same place) and I've also started burning with cigarettes. but it's different this time. I do it slowly and I savor it. I know it sounds sick, and I'm not exactly sure why I do it, so I cant rationalize...

(sorry if I went off on a tangent, I hadn't really thought of it all the wway through and as i started typing stuff just came out)

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Sometimes I have success getting rid of one intrusive thought by substituting another that isn't as painful for me, for whatever reason. I get songs stuck in my head all the time, often repeating the lyrics that are particularly depressing. I will sing something else, out loud if necessary, over and over. Sometimes the new song will take, instead. A 'happy' song won't work, but something a little less grim sometimes will. Same for my thoughts about hurting myself. I don't have them often these days, but I used to be able to defuse them sometimes by putting in some other idea. Finding some other obsession and throwing myself into it. Not functional in the long run, but much better than dead.

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This is how I am right now. If I'm awake it's all I hear. Do it. Do it. A diatribe of my patheticness that goes round and round in my brain slowly wearing me down, perhaps the point to make me, us so weak that we'll eventually give in out of exhaustion.

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