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Okay..........I think I'm getting symptoms of vitamin deficiency and starvation. And my brain is so fried now, i don't know how to think of think of doing something about it if I could think of something to do in the first place.

Looking at a book on DP and bipolar today it listed 'unemployment, poverty, being alone without support, and migration issues' among common triggers, and well...........I'll be fucked.........I've got all of em in spades.

The freelance project I have in front of me, seems like the petty cash they were gonna pay has been paid already, so chop, chop, do the work. It was such a pitiful sum I feel disgusted with the whole project. And so fucking tired of people hearing "You don't have enough money till you go to an ATM, when you said "I don't have money. Period. I'm broke means zero, or a good day? A dollar and a quarter......what part of broke don't people fucking understand???????..............so I really can't think about working away on that when someone can't answer emails or phone, or take my last email at face value. I have no money. I lived two weeks on the little left after rent, and now I sick and fucking tired, and ill.............I posted about the shitstorms previously concerning the employment thing, the migration issue, and well, I'm spending hours in a web cafe , restaurant , reading room place cuz, the only interaction I'm having is with online posting boards.......

Oh yeah, and its been weeks and weeks since meds were affordable so we got unmedded BP running rampant...........

Just sold a hundred dollars worth of books and got three dollars.........to add insult to injury. A couple more packets of Rama Noodles......and some canned muck...........and fuck it..........cheap local cigarettes........(smoking keeps me thin...........;))

Any way, this barely getting nutrients has been hammering away now for months, happening once a month or more, were I go four or five days without eating.........and its starting to get me real suicidal about now. And apathetic and physical tired to death.........which are symptoms apparently.........all the book lugging today, for what? Add insulted and humiliated to the list of shit going on.

I'm kicking myself for not just buying elavil, and having no chump change left and just ODing............

And no, there aren't places I've been able to find that have food kitchens, or charity, at least not nearby..........Where I live , society tends to remain grouped around the family, extended style, so the kind of homelessness that hits people say, in NY, is rare. As is severe malnutrition to the degree its been hammering me little by little into a catatonic mess.......I figure I should at least tell on the disease......so here I am..............sigh..........

I tend to think I can find resources and claw and scratch my way thru.........have so far at any rate..........but I'm really, really starting not to care anymore..............in a really bad way. Whenever possible my SI is about painless ways, now I'm thinking of throwing myself in traffic. :)

Welcome to my world. I don't know if I expect an answer as in a solution , since I've been spending hundreds of hours trying to work with this and change the situation and it falls apart back into...............this....................

Sick and tired...........stop the world, I'd like to get off now......................

peace

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can you beg the embassy or consulate, charity outfits i.e. salvation army or so forth have presences in capital cities in a lot of cities around the world, there has to be a way for you to find help there . red crescent/red cross has been known to give expats a leg up .

if where you live has nothing for you, can you not hitch to the capitol where services might be available for those down on their luck ?

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;)

I know it's been bad for a long while for you but you have to stick with it. Have you ever been this bad off before? If you have you'll know that it can and will get better. Just please tough it out. You're too smart to do something stupid. You're hanging on for a reason. You might not know what that reason is but just know that it exists...and it wants you to keep fighting.

xoxo

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Still looking and may have found a charity that might even have legal aid as well.............and will see what the Red Crescent / Cross has on offer.........based on your suggestion.....I've been digging around and asking people shamelessly for simple places like that, and no one seems to know............and the Net leads to sites that want volunteers and money.......when you email, for help? No answer.........

Just the constant realization that things don't always get better. I've been thru this ages ago, when I was younger, and had some close scrapes since, but this is so ongoing and alienation now.............just when I need at least to be able to recieve phone calls? My phone battery is on the fritz..........that kind of spit in your face life issues that are really taking a toll............If this is the downside around any corner, makes you wonder what the point of the up times are.

I dunnno, I'm just questioning everything now..........life, myself, faith, all of it............and the numbers add up to nothing, over and over..........

Thanks, guys, for getting back so fast...........part of this hell is the isolation atm...................

peace

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