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I've felt like shit for the past few weeks.

I am a FREAK about personal hygeine, and for me to miss a shower is unheard of, it is FAR less common than me taking more than one shower a day. I've skipped several showers lately, it just seemed like too much work. I don't know, I might just be lazy instead, but I've been mildly depressed most of my life, so this seems familiar. Only the past two years and for a few months in '05 have I not felt crummy.

But it might be seasonal.

Love my house, keep it spotless. But for the past few weeks, I could give a shit. Laundry piles up, as do dishes, it all seems pointless.

As a matter of fact, EVERYTHING seems pointless. Most things that I think I would enjoy or would be good for me that I think about, it's just like "Yeah, but what the fuck does THAT accomplish in the grand scheme of things? Where does THAT get me?" It's annoying.

I've been on klonopin for a while, I wonder if it's that?

Oh yeah, and tonight I started fucking bawling for no reason at about 10:55 and didn't stop until after midnight. Not a big sobbing cry or anyything, jsut all quiet at shit. At first there was no reason, then I figured , well, hell, if I'm already crying, I ought to give myself a reason.

I think I found ten. All these pitiful things and wallowing in them. How useless I am, what a terrible person I am, you know, all that lovely self- loathing shit. So that kept the crying jag alive. Whew, good thing too, as I was really fucking enjoying that.

Anyway, I don't know. I see my p-doc next week, but I don't see my t-doc first, and I'd rather tell her this kind of thing. Is it worth mentioning to p-doc? I think I'll survive until I talk to t-doc, whenever that may be, so I don't find it totally necessary as, I'm not considering offing myself yet, so then it's not really depression? Or is it? Or am I just fucking lazy and self-absorbed? I can't tell.

ETA: Oh, right, and it seems like I have good days and bad days, does that mean it isn't a depression type thing? I don't know.

Sorry if this was stupid, any advice would be appreciated. I hope this wasn't awful, and if it belongs somewhere else, feel free to move it.

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YES tell your pdoc and tdoc, absolutely.

It sounds more serious than just seasonal whatever. Even if it were seasonal, it needs to be addressed.

It may be the klonopin, but I doubt it.

Thanks you so much. I think your avatar out-does mine in the creepy deparment now. Good job.

GOD I hope it's not the klonopin.

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It sounds like a mood episode to me. If it were the klonopin, this would have happened a LOT sooner in your TID day treatment. I mean, why now that you've habituated to it? Makes no sense.

I hope you feel better soon.

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I don't want to freak you out, but benzos can worsen depression so if you have a tendency to depression klonopin might be taking the jazz out of you. The tendency of benzos to impair functioning (e.g. amnesia, clumsiness, makes it difficult to perform ) as well as cause/worsen any underlying depression (often present with anxiety) is one reason many psychiatrists shy away from their use... combined with their addictive potential (damaging /fatal if withdrawn too fast) it makes benzos tricky territory.

http://www.web4health.info/en/answers/bio-benzo-sideeffects.htm

"Depression, emotional blunting

Long-term benzodiazepine users, like alcoholics and barbiturate-dependent patients, are often depressed, and the depression may first appear during prolonged benzodiazepine use. Benzodiazepines may both cause and aggravate depression, possibly by reducing the brain's output of neurotransmitters such as serotonin and norepinephrine (noradrenaline)."

I agree this sounds like clinically significant depression and should be addressed if it can.

If this has gotten significantly worse after using klonopin regularly, maybe you should talk to your doctor a bit about cutting it back a bit and seeing if it helps.

Or maybe adding an adjuvent medicine to deal with the blunting/apathy can help... but that has the risk to make the anxiety flare.

I would also suggest this to you: perhaps your obsessive behaviors int he past were a sign of anxiety, and now that you are reducing them, this is a sign of improvement? It really isn't normal concern for cleanliness to shower more than once a day, and *needing* a spotless house may be a sign of anxiety.

What really matters is how you FEEL. YOu said you "couldn't give a shit" about being super clean, but that doesn't necessarily indicate a problem if you otherwise feel the same as before. Are you unhappy, or about as happy as you were before, or are you happier? Guilt, fatigue, thoughts of death, physical pain? Signs of depression like these are more important than not showering twice a day or keeping your house ultra spotless (which are symptoms of your anxiety disorder). Are these symptoms of depression WORSE than they were before?

You definitely seem to be having some signs of depression, though. Feelings of this intensity, if they last significantly and don't fully go away ever sound like clinically significant depression.

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Oh yeah, and tonight I started fucking bawling for no reason at about 10:55 and didn't stop until after midnight. Not a big sobbing cry or anyything, jsut all quiet at shit. At first there was no reason, then I figured , well, hell, if I'm already crying, I ought to give myself a reason.

I think I found ten. All these pitiful things and wallowing in them. How useless I am, what a terrible person I am, you know, all that lovely self- loathing shit. So that kept the crying jag alive. Whew, good thing too, as I was really fucking enjoying that.

ETA: Oh, right, and it seems like I have good days and bad days, does that mean it isn't a depression type thing? I don't know.

Crying without a reason and having negative thoughts about yourself are both signs of depression. The question is.. on your good days are you fine and dandy, ecstatic, or just better? Plain old depression can have "good days" (for instance, my mornings are better than my evenings).. but there's still an underlying tow of sadness 24/7, you're just more able to cope for a bit. If, on the other hand, you just plain feel normal.. that's unusual for depression & points towards something physical/situational creating the problem. Lastly, your mood turning *really good* for a short time points towards rapid-cycling Bipolar - just points.. vaguely, as in discuss with your pdoc.

As for the Klonopin.. the timing of your moods combined with the time you take the med should tell you if it's a possible cause. Chart it out and switch up when you take the Klonopin to see if there's a pattern. If withdrawal isn't a problem for you, you could even just plain stop taking it for a day or two & see if that resolves the issue. Personally, going by what you wrote, I think there's more going on than a Klonopin issue.

Anyway, I don't know. I see my p-doc next week, but I don't see my t-doc first, and I'd rather tell her this kind of thing. Is it worth mentioning to p-doc? I think I'll survive until I talk to t-doc, whenever that may be, so I don't find it totally necessary as, I'm not considering offing myself yet, so then it's not really depression? Or is it? Or am I just fucking lazy and self-absorbed? I can't tell.

Suicidal thoughts are only one of the qualifications of depression. You absolutely don't have to have them in order to be diagnosed. I think you should definitely discuss all this with your pdoc. You don't have to go as far into it as you would with your tdoc. Think of matter-of-fact statements.. I'm x,y,z.. and ask, "Could this be depression?" He(?) needs this information in order to treat you correctly. Leaving things out will only hurt you in the long run.

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I'm sorry for what you're going through... As others are saying, it may be a mood issue, it may be the Klonopin, it may be depression, or EVEN seasonal stuff. My mood cycles tend to be seasonal (great mood from April to October, horrible state of mind from October to April). Have you changed any other medication? I know that if you lessen a dosage it may cause crying, bipolar type symptoms.

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some good info posted.

i'm sorry you're feeling like crap and i hope it passes. i hate having episodes of crying over nothing (or something small) and then everything i've ever cried over (or that's just caused stress etc) in my life comes flooding into my head. it's exhausting.

and you're not lazy and self absorbed but when you get into this kind of state thoughts like that happen. remember that you're going to come out of it.

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Thanks everyone. I just called t-doc and left a message for her to call me back.

I was crying again today, thinking my kid deserves a better mother and all that jazz, that only lasted a little while, though it sits in the back of my mind all the time, all this shit does, whatever it is. Really, I am having PMS, so maybe this is why, though it doesn't always seem this severe at ALL.

The Klonopin? Last night after I took it, I felt a bit better, but not entirely. I cried a little less and got some laundry done (it isn't folded) and tried to fix up my hair a bit, still didn't sleep until 6AM or better. That's another thing, the sleeping, it's all fucked up. If SO is home, I can take a 3 hour nap in the afternoon and be up all night long. I'm up all night long anyway, then there's days I could sleep all day long if I could.

I don't do anything, just sit on the couch. And when I said I couldn't give a shit about the house being clean, that's not the case. I SUSPECT that's what caused me to start crying last night because everything was a mess and I had no energy or will to clean it, just to cry about it because it makes me pretty anxious to have things dirty and cluttered, and then it pisses me off that I'm such a lazy fuck that I have no will to clean it, even though it's freaking me out. I don't know if that makes sense at all.

My GOOD days are all right, not estatic at all, I'm still anxious, I still feel like things are pointless, but I can put all that to the back of my mind and function properly, still clean, still interact well with my kid and I can fake it all right. I just sigh an awful lot and feel that sinking feeling in my stomach, if that makes sense.

Before I started to slowly feel like this, I could have been estatic, I suppose, over some things, some days were like that, but I doubt it was mania or anything like that.

I just want to be better for my kid, that's all, and right now I feel like I am fucking up majorly and not up for the job, it kills me really. this has been an ongoing struggle in my brain for a while, even though others tell me I'm a great mom. I don't know, I try, and she is everything to me, but some days it's so hard to just act normal I guess.

Thanks for everyone's advice, I really appreciate it.

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Please try not to run yourself down so much. It's ok to report those thoughts here, but try to fight them. I suspect none of those negative things you're saying about yourself are true. Remember that depression is like having shit colored glasses welded to your head. You're not "fucking up", you're ill. And you're probably doing a much better job than you think.

Sounds like there might be a seasonal component to this. If you can, try to go outside early in the day for a few minutes.

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Thanks, Ido, I know, it's really hard to fight them, the best I can do is try to not even think them. I can't counter them with something positive because I'm so terribly convinced that there is nothing positive about me at all. This is fun. It's better when I feel like I'm not hurting other people by being so worthless, like I am right now. Ugh. I'll see t-doc AND p-doc next Tuesday, so hopefully I can get some of this out. I'm tired of all this fun fun fun self loathing. I've worn myself out with it.

I wonder what happened to the voice of reason, or the being able to believe OTHER people's reasoning?

You all know. When you feel shitty and think these things, there IS no alternate reality, this is it. THIS is the truth, no one else really knows me, so they can't say how terrible I am and so on and so forth, if anyone gets that. It fucking sucks.

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Might feel weird, but I've found it helpful to dispute these feelings of worthlessness out loud when no one can hear me. You could say "I'm not so bad, that's the depression speaking" or just "I'm ok". But people think it's weird so make sure you're out of earshot. If you drive much, that can be a good time for it, if it doesn't distract you.

OTOH, maybe it just works for me because the negative messages also end up being spoken out loud when I'm alone, and I need to argue with them. Not very often now that I'm not depressed, though.

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Talk to your pdoc, and PLEASE don't fuck with your benzos until you speak with him about it.

I think the benzo/depression thing is overstated. I often wonder if, once anxiety is approprately treated, depression comes to the fore in individuals who are prone to both.

I COMPLETELY agree. My as do my current and previous p-docs, and my father, also a p-doc.

I hate to sound like an utter bitch, but people have to learn the difference between tolerance, habituation, and addiction. So many people on this site confuse the three.

THE_EMPEROR, you sound depressed for sure. Is Tuesday tomorrow, or next Tuesday?

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