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I'm still in the process of trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and of course I am going to discuss with pdoc, but my app is a few days away and I'm impatient, so thought I'd ask some of you guys. My working dx is bipolar, so I've posted here, but this might actually be better placed somewhere else? Dunno, I'm a noob.

As well as all the moodines and delusions and voices and crap, I have a really difficult time thinking and piecing together information. It hasn't always been this way as I've gone through University education - although that became very difficult when all this started.

It's like at different times, I'm thinking from a different area of my brain and I can't remember much that went before. People are constantly reminding me of times that I have no recollection of, or I'll have a shred of associated memory that I'll have to try and explain to get someone to remember and figure the real memory I'm trying to reach. I can read a book or watch a film and a couple of days later, it's all gone. If I'm required to summarise anything, I have to write it out, I can't think.

Most of the time it's not actual things happening or bits of information - I surround myself with items that remind me and am an avid listmaker etc.- but it's bits of my own personality, thoughts, personal experiences in terms of learning outcomes and memories of myself in the past.

I'm awful at long-term planning, and seeing how different aspects of info fit together. Perhaps this is symptomatic of the bipolar, as really I think I'm only able to cope with whatever is going on at the time.

If I don't have the distraction of work or having other people around, I will just sit and think, and listen to the music in my head for hours, like it's totally blank and no thoughts are raised at all until something physical happens in my environment. Those is worse when I'm depressed, obviously.

Now, yeah, I've smoked my fair share of weed and done lots of other drugs during my mis-spent youth (amphetamines, MDMA, coke) but I'm wondering if this shows there's something else going on than bipolar. I feel like I'm losing my personality and fading away.

Anyone have a similar experience?

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I'm a lot like that, except I never played around with drugs.

I'm a bit stuck in my head, and I obsess about stuff for hours, and I tend to lose time and forget things, even what someone has just said to me. I don't know if it's the illness that has affected my cognition, or the meds, or whether I am just disassociated and I'm sort of cutting out.

I do know that if I am really interested, my concentration is pretty on the ball. Is it the same for you?

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I suspect your thinking is not as bad as it seems to you now, because what you've written here is very clear and must have required some thought to put together. I'm afraid I don't know enough to tell you anything else useful.

-----------

BTW, it's taking a lot of willpower not to go wandering around at the other end of that link. So much more fun than dealing with the mundane stuff I ought to.

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Yeah, I think it could be due to bipolar itself or due to some sort of mild learning disability or something.

I personally suck at multitasking in my brain. I have to write things down, or I won't remember half the stuff I need to remember. I suck at chess, cards, and any other games that require devising a strategy in my mind... And I'm also quite capable of thinking about absolutely nothing for long stretches of time. ;)

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Hi Karuna,

Yeah, getting stuck in my own head and losing time is such a pastime for me!

When I'm interested, my brain does prick its ears up, but it's still pretty hard to follow. I try to listen to the words they say and it takes me a while to piece them together to make literal sense, any metaphorical sense is tagging along shortly behind that.

This is all before meds and approx 3 years after drug use. I had other symptoms before the drug use, so their effects have only added to the flavour!

I guess it could be dissociation running alongside bipolar?

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Thanks Ido and Artemisia,

You're write (narf!), writing is no problem for me - if I could do all my socialising and work via the internetz, I totally would! It's the on the spot thinking and communication that's the problem, and writing it down does get it out of me and I can cut and paste it around etc. - a little harder to suck back in my random outbursts!

Ido - DO IT! Who needs this mundane world when there's awsomeness like that around?!

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It was a little bit weird reading your post..it was almost like reading something I have been trying to put together for a while now. down to the working diagnosis. i just didn't mess with mdma, and coke..my drugs of choice were speed, acid, mushrooms...and of course weed. instead of music in my head, i'm listening to things like "you're a piece of shit, a loser, a waste of flesh" and the like.

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An-dree-yuh - "waste of flesh" wow, do our voices go to an annual conference together to get their lines or something?! It's so good finding this place and realising that I'm not alone in all of this.

When this problem started, I thought it was down to a period of depression and generally low functioning and attention, but it's stayed with me through the range of moods and circumstances. After making lots of excuses for it, I've finally come to realise that it's not right, and it's not going away!

How long have you been searching for an accurate diagnosis? Or is that just going to scare me, because I've just started with the search?!

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I know exactly what you mean. The best way I can think of to describe it is my brain is shattered. I get pieces of knowledge or insight here and there, but I can't make the connection. In the past my strength was being able to make quick and unconventional connections, that completely broke down when I started having problems. Now that I've been on meds for a bit, it's much better.

I'm sure once you make some headway on what's going on and get on the right meds, your head will start to clear up. I assure you it's a great feeling too!

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I "lose time" (to quote Edward Norton in Primal Fear) all the time. I forget random conversations, things I read, items I wrote, places I went to, things I bought. It's like a constant surprise party. Bless my husband, he just tells me, "I told you about that before, sweetie" and doesn't get mad when I forget something he told me.

But the worst part is twofold: forgetting about taking meds, and forgetting what my kids tell me. The former is fixed with a pill dispenser (otherwise, I would accidentally OD a hundred times over), the latter I'm still working the guilt out of.

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Thanks Tarquin, the term 'brain shattered' fits perfectly.

Gizmo - I feel for you. I can't imagine what this must be like with children to think about. I guess relaxing a little and enjoying the 'surprise party' is a way of coping in the meantime.

*so* glad it's not just me!

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Gizmo - I feel for you. I can't imagine what this must be like with children to think about. I guess relaxing a little and enjoying the 'surprise party' is a way of coping in the meantime.

Thanks for the reply. You know, kids are much more resilient than you would ever think. Though they do not know I have bipolar (saving that special surprise until they are old enough to understand what it is... like 40, lol) they know mommy has an illness. They just chalk up the weird things I do to "mommy is getting sick again, isn't she?" or "mommy needs to go see the doctor, doesn't she?" SO when I forget something they said, they are very forgiving, and usually tell me that they already told me. When I apologize and say I forgot, they say, "That's ok." and retell me the story.

Kids. Gotta love them. Especially mine when they run around in boxers firing nerf guns shooting at each other so much the ceiling is shaking and I want to take a xanax ;)

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