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I just want to go away.


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I don't know if this should be here.

But, I feel awful.

I have no happy medium with food. I either eat too much in a quick compulsive manner, usually, I think, because I'm anxious, or I don't eat the entire day.

But I feel repulsive. Absolutely disgusting. I don't feel like a person. I feel like a thing.

And it's always in the back of my mind- that I'm horrible to look at, I take up too much room, my clothes don't fit right, everyone is more attractive than me, thinner, all the girls are more feminine with smaller feet and hands and they're shorter and have much smaller waistlines, thighs and asses.

I'm trapped.

I'm miserable and stuck inside myself because I hate what I am.

I hate my body and it's getting worse and worse.

I don't know how to fix this.

I've tried and I just keep going up and down on the scale.

Nothing works and I just want to break all of the mirrors and hide in my house.

I can kinda fake it and sort of forget when I'm with my boyfriend, because he's just a good guy, but even that's fading.

It's like there's nowhere to run.

How do you hide from yourself?

I don't know if this even belongs here but I don't know where the fuck else to put it.

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Oh God Luna - I can totally relate.

I don't have any great advice, but I can just say what has helped me

-do the best you can to get your depression and anxiety under control. You quite possibly need a med adjustment. It makes things exponentially easier.

-dump your scale for a while. I don't believe in the ED gospel that weighing yourself is always a bad thing (I think it can helpful for some people), but I think you need to take a break from it for a while.

-make sure you eat regularly. Nothing will trigger a binge like being hungry. Force yourself to eat at regular intervals, even if you can't get down very much at once.

-exercise if you can manage it. If you feel too fat to be at a gym or in a class, that's ok - you can do it by yourself. I think exercise is overrated for weight loss and as an antidepressant, but it will make you feel physically better.

Take care,

-P

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I woked up this morning wallowing in my own filth and disgust after plummeting into a self indulgent sugar frenzy last night ....and after just over a month of feeling really good about how I was eating and actually clean and free of the same thing you are talking about ...well go figure I read your post first huh?

this feeling does not just go away ..it takes a fucking hell of a lot of work to put a disordered eaters brain back into a state of balence.

this is one place a good therapist ...deliberate changes in behavior ..especially physical behaviors can help

I say this because I am just this side of 52 and believe I have dealt with this exact thing for probably 48 of those years ..

so I will offer you what I know helped me and maybe by writing it to you I will read it again and work hard today not to plummet again into another gross eating frenzy...maybe something I say will help?

years ago in somewhat old school thinking a therapist told me to "make friends with food" long story short I started gardening ..I was poor living in a rabbit hutch of an appartment and had a tiny balcony where I grew things ...I bought the Victory Garden Cookbook and dove head first into "healthy eating" almost vegan for a brief time then vegetarian then fish eater ..then "healthy omnivore" anyway I got to know my food ...learned about the healthy side of eating ..we all have to eat ..that is the problem!!! Gardening is a huge thing for me now I grow about 80% of the fruits and vegetables we eat ..but it started in school on a balcony for me ..redirecting my thinking and making friends with food ...

this did not "cure" me but it helped me find peace and during times of stress..cabin fever in the winter...and finally when I lost my son ..I would find myself plummeting into the loathing and self hatred that comes with the ugly times of disordered eating ...but when the fog clears enough for me to think ..I go back to making friends again...and on thing that helped recently was reading this book ..I keep bringing it up on this board ..and the reason is .this kid who could be my son thrust this book my way and it snapped me back into the "now" over food ..it is very validating ..not at all a diet book and totally makes things clearer about why we overeat ..you do not have to buy it ..it is a good read and in the library ..I just think it helped my literal skeptical mind so much to say "ah ha it is not just me and my weakness" "I not entirely at fault here"

http://www.amazon.com/End-Overeating-Insatiable-American-Appetite/dp/1605297852

this will not solve all the underlying crap that makes us do what we do ..or cure an eating disorder ..but it sure as hell has helped me say "ah ha" again and gave me a ton of validation to read it

disordered eating and the self perpetuating loathing that comes with it... both relentless in their brutality ..so good luck to you ..thanks so much for posting ..I hope something good happens today for you .. ..there are other ways befriend food besides gardening ..we have to eat ..food is everywhere for better or worse we can not live with out it ..so we must learn to live with it..there is no cure for us ..just lots of work to maintain a peaceful relationship..it takes hard work...has been a constant struggle ....and my bottoms have been low ones ..

for the most part I do win with that one therapists advice to befriend food

so today again

Food is MY bitch I am NOT its

thanks again for the thread ...take good care of yourself

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