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hi, I'm pixie...I have been struggling with depression and cutting for about a year and a half now. My husband of 14 years had his affair outed in August of 2008 by the other woman's husband. He chose me and the kids but after about 3 months of marriage counseling he started contact with the other woman again. I didn't find out until May 2009 when my daughter saw him at work talking to the other woman and her family. I will just say my husband works for a local theme park. He treated our daughter terribly that night and basically forced me to ask him to leave. I packed his things. I still gave him the chance to stay but he wouldn't makle a decision so I told him to go. I did NOT want to but I was hurt for me, for our daughter. And I had the feeling he would go straight to the other woman even though he said he wouldn't and asked me to "wait for him" to figure things out. That he didn't want a divorce. That he loved me. A week later I found them together in a pay by the week motel craphole. Long story short...he has been saying since June 2009 that he knows he wants to come home. That he loves ME, wants his family. But he is still living in that place with that person. He sees me all the time, kisses me, we have been intimate a number of times over the last 9 months. I even got pregnant last July but miscarried. He says he "cares about her" but thats it. He says he "doesn't know why he can't just leave there and come home" but says he is 110% sure he will be home soon. I have stopped being intimate with him so I know its not the sex. I have told him I will walk away, he doesn't want me to...doesn't want to lose me. Lately he has been trying harder with our daughter to mend things.

But...in January he went with the "whore" to see her family in NY. I begged him not to go. To break things off before that. He didn't. he doesn't view the trip as meaning anything. As a woman...I know differently. That was when I started getting really bad anxiety and panic attacks. I started thinking suicide. My mind was messed up completely...and a couple days after they returned from NY I was in such a terrible place. I had cut the crap out of my wrist. The cutting stops my tears when I am crying so hard I start throwing up. It is the only thing that stops me from crying. Refocusing the pain I guess.

Anyway, I have never dealt with this in my entire life. I have always been the one everyone goes to for advice. I have always been "the strong one". I could get through anything. Not now. I am weak and I feel pathetic. I was so bad those days that I drove to his motel after taking 9 xanax (.50mg)...and knocked on his door. He was pretty pissed about it. He called our daughter to come get me. They say I tried to walk home, that I kicked him and dug my nails into her arms trying to get away. While my daughter and her friend went to pick up my van from the motel I guess I cut myself again. My daughter was pretty scared and called more family over and they Baker Acted me. Wound up at a local facility for almost 3 days.

I don't remember much of that day at all. I just have bits and pieces and what people tell me I did. I know I never want to end up at a place like that again. But at the same time...I still have the same thoughts of ending it all.

We have a 21 yr old daughter and 19 yr old special needs son together. Our son is major confused all the time about where daddy is. He is 19 but mentally he is about 4. He doesn't understand why daddy isn't there in the bedroom when he tries to look for him. He cries to me all the time. I don't understand how a man can do this to his family. Knowing what it is doing to us...yet still keeping me hoping. Saying he is coming home. WHY??? Why torture me? Can a person who has always been a perfectly loving and caring husband and father suddenly just do a 360? It is like aliens took him over. Can a person really be THAT cruel?

And don't even get me started on the whore...I realize it takes 2...I really do. I know its not 100% her fault. BUT...she pursued him relentlessly. She knew he was married with kids...she knew about our son...yet she still didn't back off. She said when he broke it off in August 2008 "I'll be back with a vengeance"...my life has been a nightmare ever since.

I am taking Pristiq 50mg...terrible side effects. I had been on Lexapro when all the crisis happened...15mg. I noticed a change in my behavior and feelings after a couple weeks of going from 10mg to 15mg of the Lexapro. I felt worse but thought I just had to get used to it. I am still not feeling right. I feel almost more anxious and panicky on the Pristiq.

I want my marriage and family back. I am trying so hard not to fall apart every day. I know the whole co-dependency thing...I am sure that is part of it, but not completely. I simply love this man. I know the person he is when we are together is the real him. I think he had a mid life crisis. He has been diagnosed bi polar also, but won't take meds. Doesn't believe in therapy at all...not sure I do either...it never helped me.

I guess I just need someplace to vent. My family is very unsupportive when it comes to my marriage. They hate him and arent shy about letting me know it, which does NOT help. I try not to even bring it up with them. My mother in particular is just terribly mean about it.

I know lots of people will say just let him go, etc.... I could. But I know deep down I will never have those feelings for anyone ever again. I will never be able to give myself that way again. I am only just barely touching on everything here. There is much more involved, maybe I will get into another time.

I just feel so completely lost and alone.

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Welcome to Crazyboards and I hope we can offer you some support and help.

Most of the people here would tell you that you shouldn't shrug off therapy without trying it again---it could be that your previous therapist wasn't a good one. With all of the stress you are experiencing, there's no way you can function without professional help.

That's my opinion, of course!

Your husband is not going to work on repairing your marriage. He has the best of both worlds: a devoted wife waiting for him to come to his senses (and she's caring for the children), and a floozy in a cheap motel for illicit sex and excitement. Why should he give that up?

You know already that he's trampling on your heart and your feelings, and you're allowing it. That's why therapy is a must. If he has an untreated mental illness, he ought to be in therapy, too.

Be sure to check out our chat room, and start a blog if you would like to. I'm glad you found us and I hope that we can help. Feel free to contact a moderator if you have any questions.

olga

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I am terribly sorry and would likely react the same way you have in the situation. I have dependancy issues too. That sounds like hell and I almost cried reading that.

I wish you the best out of any situation and hope that, eventually, things will fall into place for you. I've been cheated on (though nothing like you described) and it fucking hurts like hell, especially if it's coming from the one person you never thought would do that, someone you love completely. I know you're in a rough place right now.

Like Olga said, getting some professional help would suit you just fine and you might start to feel better. Seeing a therapist can help you vent AND sort things out and get you somemone on your side.

If you need to vent a lot here, the blogs are a really great place to do that and a lot of caring, supportive people read the blogs.

This is really a great support site, so I hope to see you around.

You have my best wishes.

-C

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thank u both. like I said....I only touched on the basics of the last 2 years. Let me just say I have been married before, the father of my children...he cheated on me also along with physical and mental abuse. Just when I started to get myself back from all that is when my current husband came into the picture. He was everything I ever wanted...no drinking, no drugs. He worked and was responsible. he LOVED my children. Put me on a pedestal completely. Made me feel completely safe and wanted and beautiful. He legally adopted my kids when we married. he is the only daddy they have ever known. They have been devastated completely. I had blind trust and faith in this man for 14 years. I know people will scoff....but we WERE HAPPY. He never said anything about being unhappy. He still says he doesn't think he was unhappy, he just wasn't happy. I don't exactly know what that is supposed to mean...but he says he still isn't happy. I don't know what to believe anymore. He is even leading our daughter to believe he will be coming home for sure.

I am not giving up therapy, I have an appointment Tuesday. My last therapist was also our marriage counselor and for the first 3 months of therapy things were going great with us and individually also. Then something snapped in him again. Everything went downhill from there. But even a couple months later he told out therapist our marriage was worth saving and he loved me.

I am kind of stuck here...although our kids are of age, due to our son being special needs...my husband wants visitation. But I am always the one who initiates it because I feel sorry our son is so confused and he wants to see daddy so badly. I tried keeping him away for awhile, it didn't help our son. In fact it made it worse. I have noticed major behavior changes since all this happened. Our son is more withdrawn a lot of the time. he is also angered much easier and has thrown fits lately where he had gone years without doing that. The school has even noticed.

As for him having "everything"... I know. It makes me sick. That is why I refuse to be intimate with him anymore. Not for his lack of trying.

The worst thing....I have tremendous guilt for what I did the day they Baker Acted me...my daughter was telling me I kept saying that the kids would be better off without me. I don't remember but it scares me. I know I have to forgive myself but its so hard. I am torn up inside over it.

My stress doesn't just come from the husband either...my daughter has announced she is moving out soon also. I know she needs to be on her own but I think this is the worst time for her to do it. Not just because of me but other reasons too. I don't want her to babysit me, thats not it. I just think the timing is off. And, as a family...we have been dealing with my brother for a few months. He is an alcoholic and drug addict. He relapsed around October. It has been very hard with everything lately. I feel like I can't take anymore.

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