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hello to all...

I've been home a week and trying to process the trip. Finally gave up on that as it was too intense. Think I need to just let time and being safe again before I look at any of what happened.

It was rough adjusting to the time change, got off my med schedule, and my sleep pattern (whatever sleep I do get) was disrupted.

Then back home and getting everything re-adjusted again sucks!

I am clawing at the edge of the abyss--feel like I am sliding into another episode of depression. And I do keep telling myself that the past few weeks have been hard, but I still feel incredibly out of sorts.

Saw the pdoc and he upped the Lamictal to 100...day four and no real problems yet, and there may not be.

Saw the tdoc...shocker. He does not want to fill out the form requesting more units from my mental health adminstrater. If he doesn't, I'm shit out of luck and told him so. Said he would think about it...damn.

I've checked the boards a few times, but couldn't post. I felt if I posted I was going to lose it--putting into words what your feeling and denying there's trouble in your mind/body/soul is exhausting.

I'm tired, feel useless, stupid 'cause I feel so down, and hate that I can't seem to shake this...

Spike

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I've checked the boards a few times, but couldn't post. I felt if I posted I was going to lose it--putting into words what your feeling and denying there's trouble in your mind/body/soul is exhausting.

I'm tired, feel useless, stupid 'cause I feel so down, and hate that I can't seem to shake this...

Ah Spike, I am sorry you are in this shitty space.  I was away last weekend and when I returned I could not post anything either.  When I did try to answer a few posts I would sit and cry and if able to get any thoughts down, when I went to add reply my posts went to parts unknown as my internet "send/receive messages" was on lock and the post disappeared, not only once but 5 different times. Arrgh!  I hope you are feeling better soon, sulu

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Sulu, thank you for understanding!

I don't know why I always think I can handle these shitty feelings by myself...sometimes it makes me feel weak, etc. And I know it's the blues talking

well, depression talking. ok, so I'm admitting to depression not just feeling rotten.

I think I handled the pressure during the visit, but at great cost to my emotional well being. If I'm honest, I'm falling apart from the whole scenario. And, of course, that adds to my feelings of worthlessnes and being a failure.

Decided if these feelings keep up over the next few days, I'll call my pdoc. I'm using every trick I know to hang on but so far it ain't working...

Thanks again, Sulu

Spike

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I don't know why I always think I can handle these shitty feelings by myself...sometimes it makes me feel weak, etc. And I know it's the blues talking

well, depression talking. ok, so I'm admitting to depression not just feeling rotten.

I think I handled the pressure during the visit, but at great cost to my emotional well being. If I'm honest, I'm falling apart from the whole scenario. And, of course, that adds to my feelings of worthlessnes and being a failure.

Spike, I am sure we must have been twins in another life. ;)   You keep writing my thoughts, thanks, I am too tired to do it but it is good to see it in print for reference later.

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