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I'm Going To Scream

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So, I have been going to a Dharma center here that my ex attends. I have not been going because of him, but because i have to get some stuff in order because im having some health issues that I don't know where it's going to lead.

So while I have been there, I have only interacted with him THREE times. One just to say hi, once to ask him a question so I can understand what happened in march of 09 that lead him to stop talking to me and then this last sunday to ask him if he was going to the mainland. He looked at me and said perhaps. PERHAPS! Not a yes, not a no, just perhaps. No fucking respect. Just attitude and fucking insolence. I just let it go. But I really felt that maybe I don't need to be there regardless of why I go. He OBVIOUSLY has problems with me being there. And i asked in December if it would be ok if I went. He said sure.

Now, I'm not expecting us to get back together. In fact, based on his fucking fucktard behaviour towards me since January you COULD NOT pay me to get back into a relationship with me. But you would think for someone who said he loved me and I was worth it and he wouldn't leave, that he could at the very least TREAT ME LIKE A FUCKING HUMAN. Especially one who professes to be a Buddhist.

I wrote him a note at myspace saying that I felt that his attitude and insolence was completely uncalled for and very out of line. I was asking him a simple question after all. It's not like I wanted to know when or where he was going or how long he was going or who he was going to fuck while he was there or anything. Just are you going? He read it and then fucking unfriended me on myspace. fucking unfriended me. I guess I have no right to call him on his behaviour and I just have to sit back and allow a man who said he loved me for how many ever years to just treat me like shit and like I don't even deserve to breathe the same air as him. And a Buddhist nonetheless.

I also in this note that I sent to him on myspace explained that I finally figured out why there was some stuff that happened in late '08 that never sat right with me. It involved several people including myself and him and two other people. Half of it I figured out and got that part dealt with. But the other part that dealt with him and the assistant manager I could never figure out why I didn't like the way it felt. Then I finally got a huge AHA! moment. And everything that happened after her hiring made perfect fucking sense.

So I went on craigslist and posted in the rants and raves (that's what it's for, right?) that he is not to be trusted and he lies and manipulates and uses for his own gain. Which is exactly what he did Dec. 08- March 09. The post got fucking removed. I didn't say anything derogatory. I didn't say anything offensive. I just told the truth. And it got fucking removed.

I want to fucking scream. Fucking scream and NEVER stop. Because wtf? I'm not trying to hurt him. I just showing him for who he really is. Again, we do ever need to get back into a relationship. Don't need to fucking be best friends. But Goddammititalltobloodyhell, he could treat me like I'm a fucking person. But noooooo. He has to be a complete dick about everything.

I'm am no longer going to the Dharma center. There is another one here that meets on wednesday. With my luck he will probably go there too. Which means Im doing this all by myself.

As fucking usual. I get fucked over by everyone else and pay the price for that.

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just a thought here...his karma WILL catch up with him. it doesn't need you to tell everyone what a prick he is. maybe you are interfering with his karma comeuppance by trying to push it? giving the whole mess more negative energy to feed on?

i kind of think this is a big cosmic message to you to back off, and let his own karma smack him in the ass.

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Here's hoping he doesn't go to the one on Wednesday. It sounds like it complicates things for both of you.

Do you absolutely need to know why something happened the way it happened? Last year?

If you're asking about old business, you're not being present. The goal is to be here in the present. Let the damn thing go, as hard as that is to do (and like I'm good at that).

Not that it's not okay to be furiously angry, mind. But don't DO something about it, just sit there. Leave him alone. Be angry, and pay total attention to that anger.

Edited by Stickler

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