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HOW COULD I HAVE OCD?


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up to the age of 10 i was a perfectly fine kid. then something hit... i started to cut....i used to do it because i was sad and i felt that no-1 loved me. I had an alright childhood. Just the little things are what was never there. I can't ever remember a time my mom or dad ever told me they loved me. my mom explained how much she hated me when i was laying in the hospital after attempting suicide. i grew up not needing anyone. boyfriends in highschool. o that was fun.. they either treated me like ****, embarrised me, or hell some thought it was fun to beat me. And I, insecure ol' me, thought i deserved it. that's when the cutting became worse. for everytime i felt hurt, betrayed, alone, afraid, or even ashamed i slashed my arm. sometimes i went to deep and sometimes they were just tinny scratches but they always left scares to remind me how ugly i am inside as well as out. anyhow here i am the age of 20. i have a 2 yr old buetiful daughter that i could never live without and she has made me realize that if i don't stop i could loose her. But the need to cut has become so strong. i must do it. i cant seem to live without it. If i don't cut i feel as though i might die. i break down completely until i feel as though i'm nothing until i am nothing...i distant myself from the outside world completely....could this be compulsive? how do i get help? where do i go for help? if depression is no longer what triggers me to cut then what could it be? i can feel excited and happy and still feel the urge to cut...

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!

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sad -

cutting is EXTREMELY addictive, especially when you've been doing it for as long as you have. Do you exhibit any other sort of OCD behaviour? If not, then I would guess that you're addicted to cutting yourself rather than having OCD.

Are you in any sort of therapy? If not, I would definitely advise you to seek someone out... if not for you, then at least for your daughter.

But there's no need to be ashamed of cutting. I started when I was 15. Believe it or not, I stopped for TEN YEARS and then I started again. Now it's been over a month since I last did it. You are not worthless; you are just the product of your environment and your coping method is one that most here can understand, but I guess a lot of society can't. You seem to want to stop, and your daughter should be THE BEST reason to.

My only advice is to get some sort of professional help... I don't know if you have any other issues, but coming here, opening up about it and seeking advice is the first step... you're already halfway there. Good luck.

Best wishes,

~ Amber. 

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I had an alright childhood. Just the little things are what was never there. I can't ever remember a time my mom or dad ever told me they loved me. my mom explained how much she hated me when i was laying in the hospital after attempting suicide. i grew up not needing anyone. boyfriends in highschool. o that was fun.. they either treated me like ****, embarrised me, or hell some thought it was fun to beat me. And I, insecure ol' me, thought i deserved it. that's when the cutting became worse. for everytime i felt hurt, betrayed, alone, afraid, or even ashamed i slashed my arm. sometimes i went to deep and sometimes they were just tinny scratches but they always left scares to remind me how ugly i am inside as well as out.

sad_lonely_tear -

The "little things that were never there" were big things

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alright..amber... umm i do hide all the knives in my house and recheck every cabinet for hours at a time to make sure i got them all. I always believed that was just cuz of the cutting though. umm aside of that i don't think i have any ocd habits unless you count me stressing over if the front door was locked. i don't know though cuz i really don't know anything about ocd anyways.

Cerberus.... that made me cry... i believe it is easier for me to "not need" ppl for the fact of i'll never be let down. It would take a mirical for me to not believe i was ugly inside and out.... the fact that i cut makes me ugly and the scars from it make it worse.... but even tho i don't wanna be ugly i can't seem to stop.

I can't see a therapist. actually talking to a stranger face to face about this is something I am deeply troubled over. I know it would prob. help And i would go if i had the courage but i don't even have that type of money to do it... and i wouldn't even know where to begin to look for one...

well thanx for your thoughts and kind words

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I made it through the day with only 2 cuts to my arm (far less than a normal day) i kept myself busy with cleaning house, doing laundry, and yard work. but now i feel extremly tired. I can't go everyday keeping myself so busy. i'll never have "Me" time and i will eventually wear out. i'll never get any sleep because half the time i wake up in the middle of the night to cut. while doing chores around the house i did have my "cutting" thoughts but i forced myself to stay focused by thinking "well if my arm is bleeding then i'm not going to get much cleaning done by getting blood everywhere now am i" and "if i stop for a min. it'll never get done" so i continued almost all day to clean and clean. I wish that just for a single moment in the day these thoughts would disappear and I'd get an actual relaxation time. o that would be great! I would actually be able to enjoy life. My daughter is so full of life and love and my mind is so full of my "cutting" thoughts I feel that i am missing all of it.

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hi sad,

maybe you never thought you would be able to open up and share your secrets on an internet board, and here you are! now there are people out there, people you don't know, who are worried about you.

good job on keeping the number of cuts down, and talking yourself through the day. your daughter sounds like a joy--and you know she gets those traits from you.

please keep posting here. we will keep on worrying about you, and keep asking you to try to find free or low-cost medical help for yourself. because like cerebus says, it doesn't have to be this way.

if you had the courage to come find this board, you are braver than you give yourself credit for. maybe if we keep gently nudging you, you might get the courage to go talk to someone who can help you. just admitting you have a problem is a big step, one that not everyone can make. keep reaching for help!

for now, just know that there are people worried about you. and there are docs who can help. ok?

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we will keep on worrying about you, and keep asking you to try to find free or low-cost medical help for yourself.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i Live in wichita ks. I just moved here and i'm not sure if I can find anyone around here that is low cost let alone free... if you have any suggestions please feel free to let me know because i do want the help i just dont know where to look

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SLT,

If you have been doing it this long and can't stop it is a compulsion.  The good news is that medication and therapy can help you stop.  Really.

Don't keep suffering alone. Call for help and get the ball rolling.

A.M.

Here are some places in Wichita for help

http://www.sedgwickcounty.org/comcare/

Community Mental Healthcare  (County Services)

635 N. Main

Wichita, KS 67203

Tel: (316) 660-7600

24 hr CRISIS LINE  (316) 660-7500

http://www.fcswichita.org/

Family Consultation Service 

counseling & medication consultation  without regard to ability to pay

Family Consultation Service

200 N Broadway 6th Floor

Wichita, KS 67202

(316) 858-1200

-Wichita Guidance Center  (No website link, don't know what they offer)

415 North Poplar

Wichita, KS 67214

(316) 686-6671

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airmarshall... thanx ... i will look some of them up...

today was a new day... i had a downfall tho. 15 cuts. i'm not for sure why.... i just felt the need... or urge i guess is a good word to discribe it. i tried to think of other things but yet cutting just kept coming back over and over... i need help and i am going to find it

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i need help and i am going to find it

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That's great to hear! I don't know anything about cutting, but maybe you had to hit rock bottom (15 cuts) to convince yourself that it's time to get help?

Whatever the reason is, I'm glad to hear you're going for help. Once you get it, the urge to cut should go away.

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okay, you don't have to go anywhere today. Just feed your daughter (and yourself!), and click on the websites above. Just poke around the websites, see what they have on there.

How about looking around crazyboards a bit? other people are going through some of the things you're facing now. you're not alone, and it's really hard to get through what you're going through.

just peek around a bit, learn a little bit more about why people cut, what they are doing to help themselves.

If you can do that, and feed your daughter and play with her a bit, and tuck her in, and maybe keep busy enough to not cut so much today, that's good, right?

I tell myself every day that I will go get help, go get what I need. Still haven't done it yet. It's not perfect, but I just keep coming here, learning about meds, seeing what other people are doing, trying to work up the courage to go.

Just keep posting and learning a bit, ok?

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ok.... it's been awile since i've been on here. i've been very busy. on the 1st i had a scope done to see if i had ulcers... good news i don't! and then on the 2nd i went camping with some friends... i was having alot of fun ridding 4 wheelers... well i was going a little too fast and flipped one.. it rolled on me once then flipped agian and threw me 20-30 ft. luckly i got out out it with only a fractured wrist and some scrapes and bruises.... the good side to all of this is i've been in so much pain so i've been drugged up to where i slept most of the time to heal so i didn't have netime to cut i have gone 1 week without cutting! i'm soo happy...

on another thought... i've always cut in the same place and now i have a cast there... maybe just maybe i'll stop since i can't cut there!

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i'm back again... i wrote a poem today... it's been awhile since i've done that so i wanted to share it with you all.

TOMORROW'S ANOTHER DAY

Is it possible to be happy yet alone

The only love you have is you own

When your strengths and weaknesses are the same

Your smiles turn to tears and bring you pain

Is it better to love and have lost than never love at all

When your heart is broken and has no strength to fall

Smiles take energy and the happiness never came

Tomorrow's another day that will always be the same

I'm pretty,I'm smart, I'm happy being me

But when he notices these things in a hurry i will leave

Because alone I can't get hurt and my heart will not cry

Alone I will sit here, I will have happiness inside

I'll pretend I don't feel for you so you don't feel for me

So the feelings we both share we will never see

Cuz alone no one can hurt you and yet you feel the pain

So Tomorrows another day that will always be the same

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  • 2 weeks later...

well i'm here again... a little sick and a little tired but i'm doing ok... i've been doing really good at not cutting...  i met these guys that i go and see everyonce in a while... they're pretty cool... and it also gives me a chance when i'm ready to talk to somebody bout my problems.

well that's all the update on my life so far.

A Painfilled heart

Ripping and tearing apart

forgotten tears

of so many years

lost, afraid

Alone, betrayed

the pain fills

my heart it kills

tears fall

death calls

upon my heart

with no new start

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You

got

style

SLT

I can't cut

my destructive

choices

are different

My

OCD

had me scrubbing

clean stuff

my hands bleed

you are right

about tomorrow

some of us

need to

work hard

to be there

should've wrote faster

depa-daze nailed me

Stasis

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well i'm here again... a little sick and a little tired but i'm doing ok... i've been doing really good at not cutting...  i met these guys that i go and see everyonce in a while... they're pretty cool... and it also gives me a chance when i'm ready to talk to somebody bout my problems.

well that's all the update on my life so far.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Im really glad that you are doing well with not cutting.  that's awesome.  It's also really cool that you have found a group of people that you feel you can trust and talk to... that is really important.  and don't forget that we are still here!! ;)

xo

~Ophelia

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well today is another day.... new experiences really scare me sometimes... today was one of them... i got out of the shower and looked at my body in the mirror. I know that sounds like something everyone does when they get out of the shower but that was the first time i've looked at my body in years. Of course at first i noticed all my flaws but then i noticed little bits about me that are i guess what men call sexy. that was prob. the first time in at least 10 yrs that i looked at myself and smiled. It felt great. I'm still so scared about the feeling i have of being alone but i continue to remember just to live each day as if it were my last and I live so much fuller and happier.

And ted if you read this I have something to say... "Thank you" ;)

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