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"I'm not depressed..."


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Guest Vapourware

Okay, a confessional.

For the past week, I have been feeling fantastic. This is with no meds and with unhelpful therapy. I have been sleeping, have been feeling motivated and energetic, and generally feel like nothing will ever hurt me again.

Actually, I'm becoming convinced that a) I am currently not depressed, B) I was never depressed at all but was a stupid attention whore before and c) I faked and exaggerated my symptoms and all the doctors fell for it, because they didn't know better.

It makes me confused, actually. I read back on my journal entries and some of them are scary in their intensity, especially the days around my SU attempts earlier this month.

But! I am feeling great now, as though I have a beam of sunlight inside me...and I believe the lapse will never happen again. Never! How could it?

I guess intellectually I know that I should continue therapy and maybe consider taking medication, but emotionally I am ready to throw out my medication, dump my therapist and carry on my merry way.

Not quite sure what I wanted to say  ;)

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Have you recently discontinued meds?  I have been where you are many times in the past.  I am now dx'ed bipolar.  The one thing that keeps me on meds is knowing that eventually (off meds) the big, black dog of depression will be barking at my door again and each time it seems to get harder to become stable.  Have you heard of "kindling".  I think it would be a good idea to talk to your pdoc (if you don't have one, please get one, GP's are great but they are not specialists in mood disorders).  I wish I had known 30 years ago what I know now, so many years lost to mental illness that could have been productive ones if I had just taken my meds.  Please take care of yourself, Sulu

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Grrl_Away...

I'm glad you are feeling better.

I am certainly not a "rah rah" medication person, but if you are less than 1 month out from a suicide attempt, I'd be very, very careful.  Last year, I felt great after discontinuing the drugs.  I quit therapy and crashed about 3 months later - ended up in the hospital twice in 6 months.  No fun.

Personally, I hate my meds, but I've agreed to stay on them (and in therapy) for at least a year after I stabilize.  I have a P-doc and T-doc who, at least right now, have agreed that we will all discuss the med-free option next year.  Until then, I'm working hard at putting safety nets in place and changing my coping mechanisms from distructive ones to constructive ones. 

Anyway, please take care of yourself.

N.N.

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It's great that you're feeling so good!

Here are some thoughts (from someone who has no idea about anything and is currently confused about her own crazy moods)

Compare

I was never depressed at all but was a stupid attention whore before and c) I faked and exaggerated my symptoms and all the doctors fell for it, because they didn't know better.
and

I read back on my journal entries and some of them are scary in their intensity, especially the days around my SU attempts earlier this month. 

The second quote makes me think that the statement in the first one is not compeletely true.

Maybe you need to find a more helpful therapist to talk about these confused feelings?

In the end, and this is just my own very humble opinion, it probably doesn't matter whether you were ever depressed. But whatever you call it, if you made suicide attempts, something must have been seriously wrong.

emotionally I am ready to throw out my medication, dump my therapist and carry on my merry way.

Is there a less drastic version of that? Eg carry on your merry way, but talk to the doc before throwing away meds...

By the way, I can totally relate. Sometimes I suddenly start feeling good and feel like all this crap is behind me - and these are actually the times when I least feel like discussing it or thinking about it. But ignoring it is not the best way to deal with it. (And maybe I should take my own advice). And when I feel good, I also feel like I exaggerated all the bad symptoms.

But - at least in my experience so far - the crapness always comes back. I hope this won't happen to you! But it seems like a lot of people relapse, so it's probably wise to take steps to prevent it - especially if it's not the first time you've been depressed.

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Guest Vapourware

Thank you for the replies people, they have given me some perspective.

what meds are you taking?
I was supposed to start on Zoloft but I haven't as yet. Before I was on Aurorix.

Have you recently discontinued meds?

Yes. I stopped taking Aurorix about three weeks ago.

Have you heard of "kindling".
Yes, I have heard of that term. That is when a person's moods becomes increasingly difficult to manage over time, yes? I came across the term while looking at mood swings, but I don't think I am a candidate for BP because I feel more tired than alert!

I did mention I had a bout of insomnia earlier but apparently that is common with depression.

Good idea about the pdoc although they are quite expensive here :)

I am certainly not a "rah rah" medication person, but if you are less than 1 month out from a suicide attempt, I'd be very, very careful.  Last year, I felt great after discontinuing the drugs.  I quit therapy and crashed about 3 months later - ended up in the hospital twice in 6 months.  No fun.

Thanks for the warning. I guess it is comforting [in a bad way] that someone else has also felt great after discontinuing medication. The only thing that is holding me back from completely ditching treatment is the fear I would crash badly.

Personally, I hate my meds
I'm not a huge fan of medication either. After my experience with Aurorix, I am very wary of taking ADs again...but maybe I need them to remain stable.

But whatever you call it, if you made suicide attempts, something must have been seriously wrong.

Thank you for your words - I think it has reinforced the idea of remaining in therapy, at least. I often find it hard to comprehend that something is wrong with me.

Is there a less drastic version of that? Eg carry on your merry way, but talk to the doc before throwing away meds...
That might work. Shall fish my medication from the bin ;) Luckily they are protected by a blister pack!

But it seems like a lot of people relapse, so it's probably wise to take steps to prevent it - especially if it's not the first time you've been depressed.

Thank you for the reminder...that is quite true. Unfortunately it is not the first time that I have been depressed, but sometimes people just don't learn! Sometimes I get into these moods where I think my happiness is staying forever.

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