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Damn, but I am falling into that abyss. So I called the pdoc and I'm waiting for him to call back.

I've been reading, reacting (yep, that is how I feel!), and trying every thing I can to hang on. I am not suicidal yet, and don't want it to get that far if I can help it.

Maybe posting will take away the sting of yet again feeling like I need to keep my feelings a secret, feeling ashamed, disappointed in myself.

And tonight is my night to make my mother dinner. so the old face of "I'm just tired" gets put on while I do this. at least I can do that for awhile.

sometimes I wish I could identify those things mentioned in another post--about what I'm not doing to take care of me or what I'm doing to stress myself. that post rang a bell with me and now I can't find it. and it tore at my heart because I know there are things I need to be doing and stuff that I need to stop doing and everything just catches up with me then I feel overwhelmed.

ya know the feeling when you just want to say fuck it and get it over with? run away? and leave no forwarding address? I don't think there are addresses in oblivion, just no one and nothing and rest and emptiness and no pain

Spike

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Spikey, sorry it's like that right now.  That sucks.  I hope tonight is OK at least. 

I hear what you say about feeling terrible about the things you "should" be doing but aren't.  But if you can, would you please stop that?  You're just beating yourself up about something you have no control over.  Sure, you can help yourself in some ways. But I've been there, where I simply am unable to do all that sane stuff -- because I'm crazy!!  I'll look at the list--exercise, sunlight, hot baths, being around people, eating regularly, all that shit, and I'm simply incapable of imagining myself even getting off the couch, or out of bed.

Listen, I'm glad you're calling the pdoc.  Basically, if my meds are fucked up, I can't begin to take care of myself.  I expect you're the same.  So please stop beating yourself up.  Really.  This is a mood, and eventually it'll lift.  If it were otherwise, if we could function well without meds, hell, we wouldn't mind being crazy, now would we?

Hang in there, and let us know what he says.

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so the old face of "I'm just tired" gets put on while I do this
You would think that people would figure that one out eventually.  I guess they would rather go along with the lie than face the truth.  I am "tired" because my fucking brain is beating the shit out of itself.

ya know the feeling when you just want to say fuck it and get it over with? run away? and leave no forwarding address? I don't think there are addresses in oblivion, just no one and nothing and rest and emptiness and no pain

Not being familiar with obvilion, I can't talk with any certainty, but I am pretty sure not even oblivion is free from junk mail.  You are pre-approved for a First Oblivion Bank credit card at the low rate of 29.9%APR.  Humor, or lack of, aside, I know the feeling.  It is an insidious little bastard.  All I can say is keep fighting it. 

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Spike,

Are you there?  Did the pdoc call back yet?  Make sure you stay away from anything that you might want to hurt yourself on.  Is there someone you can call to come over and stay with you?

Don't go to the abyss.  I tried to go there once and it wasn't that great at all.  No one's friendly and they send out your forwarding address.

Let us know how you're doing.

JBella

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sometimes I wish I could identify those things mentioned in another post--about what I'm not doing to take care of me or what I'm doing to stress myself. that post rang a bell with me and now I can't find it. and it tore at my heart because I know there are things I need to be doing and stuff that I need to stop doing and everything just catches up with me then I feel overwhelmed.

Spike, I tried to reply last night but my computer or crazyboards was acting up last night.  I couldn't get any topics to load, I got totally frustrated and went to bed.  I am up now and want to say I am sorry things suck so much again.  I am going to be harsh here so please forgive me.  "JUST SAY NO", you cannot continue to be another person's (mom) caretaker right now.  You have to take care of yourself!  I get it about thinking "I can at least do this", but no, you cannot.  If I have to come over there and admit you to the hospital myself for lack of a better idea, I will girl, so don't give me any lip. ;)

The above part that you quoted, about not being able to find post, do you know how to easily access every post you have made?  And the other posts on each of those posts.  PM me if not and I will try to explain it clearly.  Maybe that will help if you can reread posts that helped before.

Please let us know how you are making out.  Take care, Sulu

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I feel like crap. Pdoc hasn't called yet and last time I waited a few days for a callback. if I don't hear today I'll call again.

part of this is facing some reality. I am sick and tired of taking care of my mother. ok, tons of guilt surfacing.

it's been a year now that I started taking care of both my parents, then the nightmare of hospice while my father died. he was at my home for nine days and in a psychotic episode the whole time. it took four days to get round the clock nursing help. I still hear him hollering for anyone to get him out of this place, calling me during the night, accusing me of trying to get his money, and on and on and on. hospice nurse finally starting injecting him with thorazine, which did little to calm him. he was finally put into hospice house to get him stable.

now my mother is showing signs of losing it. confusion, bad memory, irritabilty. and much of it is directed at me.

I cannot do another round of that shit.

and I'm getting the guilt trip from my sister and sil who live here. and my damn mind is listening. and that is old stuff that rears up frequently. I am just so damn physically tired  and emotionally drained I just want to go away. anywhere.

had a migraine last week. set off when I went to the store and they were repaving the parking lot. soon as I smelled the tar I was nearly knocked over with the pain. my daughter drove 70 miles in to take my mother for her lab work. couldn't keep anything down, including my meds. 3 days of it then a damn sore head for 2 days. haven't had a migraine in several months and this more than made up for it.

lost  no gave up my setting boundaries. the trip to seattle was not a vacation for me. 24/7 with my mother did little to give me any rest. no place to walk, too hilly and couldn't manage with the crutch. no relief even in going to the potty  mother would walk right in while I would be taking a crap and tell me to hurry she didn't want to use the other bathroom.

lock on that one broken so used the other one but she would keep banging on the door until I came out

now she is making plans to go see her sisters for 10 days and I'm expected to go and take care of her. i cannot do it again  i cannot

family harping that since i'm not working i should do it

another flight with my bad knee still hurting from the last flight  mother would not go first class so i would have room enough to stretch the damn leg and she has the money but wants to spend it on new drapes for her house

i don't think so

i know i have to face this  take care of it  say no  but i don't feel like doing anything except taking that way out.

chicken shit that i am

spike

i hate posting this but this poison has to get out of me if i want to live

 

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Spike, post away!  I too believe it's better out than in and this is about the safest place I can think of to do it.  Call your pdoc's office every hour until you hear back from them.  If necessary, go to the ER.  Please, your family (daughter excepted, by the sound of it) are not getting it, they probably won't.  Please don't be manipulated by guilt to be doing things that are not healthy for you.  The reason you don't work and perhaps have the time to help is because YOU are unwell.  Let those with jobs but relative good health do what needs or wants to be done.  Their mental health is not at stake.  So it puts them out, they are so busy, etc., etc.  They will keep using you as long as you let them.  I am sorry if this rant of mine is upsetting but it is a real sore spot with me.  I have been used and abused by family and friends and am no better off for it.  I want better for you.  Stay in touch, Sulu

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please keep posting; it sounds like you have a major case of caretaker burn-out on top of ptsd from your dad's last days on top of your regularly scheduled issues.  as far as the family insisting you do all the dirty work because 'you're not working'......ask them to pay you.  ;)

seriously, have you looked into caretaker respite programs or adult day care?  there are programs out there to give people like you some time off from caretaking; check your local United Way or Children's Services.  that is, if you have the energy to do so.

i'm sending thoughts & prayers your way; i hope you find a resolution out of this mess.  stay in touch with us; we are here for YOU. 

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Sulu you are right  get the poison out but it is scary 'cause it's really facing reality and no more excuses and doing something about the rest of the family using me

there i finally said it  using me and i let them

my being on disability means squat to them it means i'm not working so i'm free to run myself ragged and they do things when it's convenient for them

and i've been allowing it to happen

but i feel like i'm opening up a can of spike-eating worms

most of my life has been spent taking care of others not me

part of the reason i left nursing much to their dismay and very vocal disapproval

there is money for my mother to pay for help  just part time if that is what she wants but she figures i can keep doing this as long as she wants

and i can't keep doing this

i won't keep doing this

setting boundaries on mother and sis and sil is making me look at other boundaries i need to set with others son is one of them he feels if i pray hard enough that i will be cured/healed  doesn't seem to understand that it is my higher power/great spirit keeping me going  it's not his god

my heart hurts from realizing all this and knowing i actually want to take action

guilt again

biggest legacy from being raised in an irish-catholic crazy family  but that would be true if we were any other ethnic group or denomination  family is crazy period

but secrets are to be kept and lie about how you really feel

think i'm going to call pdoc again right now

feel like i am drowning

spike

interesting quote my so picked up excuses are the nails that build a house of failure

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Love your so's quote. Maybe that is why I am living in this rundown, crummy apartment. ;)     I am so proud of you Spike for being brave enough to allow your realizations to spur you to action in spite of how painful it may be.  I am sending you a virtual life raft, grab it and hang on for all your life.  You will make it, look at how much you have already been through and survived.  Please keep us up to date re: pdoc etc.  Sulu

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Spike,

Crazyboards is like golf.  You can take as many (keyboard) strokes as you like, all for one price.  ;)     Feel free to unload here.  "Fill dirt wanted".

Mom walking in while you are on the toilet, like you were 5 years old? Yeesh.

Do not feel guilty about setting reasonable boundaries for you family. You are exaclty right about not being a full time servant just because you are not at work every day.    Use the counter argument with them as your justification.  If you don't take care of yourself and are unwell, you can't be of any help to them.

Two family trips in two months is also more than I would put up with. 

"Lookin' out for number one" Jobim

A.M.

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i'm sending strength your way.......i hope you can find it in you to act on your realizations.  you don't deserve to be the family servant.  you deserve some peace and happiness in your own life.  we all do.

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thanks everyone  obviously made it through the day damn pdoc has not called back yet so screw him

did take a 3 hour nap and had this weird,somehow useful dream

remember a kids game called "red rover, red rover, come on over?" and I'm not sure that name is correct

I'm standing at the edge of the abyss and my personal demons are floating, weaving and speaking seductively to me and my heart hears them and starts to answer and i start to take a step towards them and their peace offering

but my hands are being held  by people here  who know things about me that i've never shared with anyone

and they want me to stay because i am not worthless and stupid and a sorry mess

been there themselves and know it will cease and just hang on

so I hung on to all of you

i would never recognise anyone in "real" life and that is ok

we know each others hearts and hurts and fears

thank you for holding onto me while those demons spoke those lovely selfish words of deceit

i'm about two feet away from the abyss and that is far away from where i was earlier

spike

grateful  ten minutes at a time  i'm not alone i'm not a servant

i will come out of this    just as all the others going through this

please join me in stepping back those 2 feet from that hole

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Guest luli2545

You are not alone. You are not a servant, except to yourself.

You are not alone.

You are not alone. You are coming out of this, just as others have and are doing right now.

Old Tdoc said to me, ok, so you feel guilty saying what you want, or saying no.

Go ahead and say what you want, or say no, refuse, and feel guilty too, so what? Each time you say no and feel guilty, you will feel less guilt over time. It worked for me over time. Still struggle with it. Sometimes I can have someone holding my hand in an emotional way, like do a check in before and after I say no. Like a Tdoc, or someone who knows about the abyss & me. And like, it's really ok to fumble and bumble around saying no and feeling quite awkward.

I think Pinky wrote about not doing the stuff she knew she should do to take care of herself a week or two back....

You are not alone. I'm here, and I'm listening to you. You are worth taking care of your self, really you are.

Sending you strength and admiration for your hard work,

Luli

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Spike, you made me cry.  Yes, I'm standing right by you, along with everyone else here.  You're doing great.  Keep hassling the damn pdoc and when you get him be sure to read a post or two to him.  You need real-time support along with ours, including whatever you need for meds.  I can't remember, do you get therapy?  It can really hold one together at times like these.  I've been known to just call my therapist's voicemail late at night just to hear the reassuring sound of her voice.

I gotta say, when I fell off the edge this summer I relied on my 12-step groups for love and support, and just like you, when I started sinking further I just kept the faces and voices of those familiar strangers in mind.  My higher-functioning "friends", who didn't know how to relate to me when I was that low, thought that was hokey.  But you know, when the chips are down, it's any port in a storm, and rightly so.  It doesn't have to be pretty by anyone else's standards. 

Keep us up to date on what's up.  Or down.  Or whatever. 

NARS (grateful to still be alive to cry for a friend)

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crap, I'm taking my pills and going to bed

that didn't sound right, sorry

my regular sleep meds so I can get even more rest I've been sleeping on and off all day

pdoc still has not called me back

gonna have to rethink who is going to be my pdoc if he can't be bothered to respond to me and this is the second time it's happened

if his policy is to come in to the office, fine  but at least show me the courtesy of telling me  and I'll scrape up the damn copay

y'all have kept me going these last few days

Thank You

spike

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