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I'm slipping away


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This may be long winded, been a while since I last posted so read at your own risk.

I got a new pdoc about a month ago, insurance made me change from the RN I like. This new doc didn't think I was bipolar and wanted me off zyprexa because of insulin resistance. Then he doubled my dose of klonopin. It's the only med I'm on right now. I know I should have just changed doc's but it's hard as hell to find one in this town and that's covered by my insurance. So anyway, I'm undermedicated and losing it fast.

The first week was ok, I was stable and feeling calm and good. The second week was bad, but it was mostly because a guy I've been dating turned out to want nothing more than fun in the sac and it about broke my heart. I held it together, ate my klonopin, and went to work as usual.

Then school started last week. I have IBS, I don't know if any of you have had any experience with it, but it sucks bigtime. I hadn't had to deal with it for a few years, but it hit hard. I missed alot of my classes and work, and was pretty much housebound. I made it to school Friday and found out that they now have an attendance policy, if I miss 4 days of class I get dropped 1 letter grade. Shit, so now I have to get a doctor's note or something to get those excused. God it feels like high school all over. I got really upset that day and broke down and got really drunk. First relapse in months, yet another dissapointment.

That night I drank and didn't go to sleep, saturday morning I got the bright idea to go to run up my credit card and go to Oklahoma City to a gay resort and have some fun. I was pretty much drunk the whole time I was there, and did many things I'm ashamed to talk about. I guess the only positive thing about it is I was safe the whole time, I think...

So I come home sunday hungover as hell and depressed. I didn't sleep at all that night and come monday morning it was time for school again. Well, somehow I ended up in a town 30 miles from here, and I can't really explain why. I was in some kind of daze thinking about the weekend and came back home to try to sleep for a while and regain some sanity. So I get up and go to work monday. Wish I would have called in again. I get bitched at about missing work the week before, which I can handle. Then they tell me the guy who does my job on the weekends is moved to a different position, so they need me to work weekends until they hire and I train a new person. They also want me to not take my vacation in 3 weeks to my cousin's wedding. I went off the handle completely and I don't think I'll be working weekends or missing my vacation. I'm lucky I still have a job. So I get home tonight (monday night, god it's tuesday already) and just fall apart. I check the mail and my insurance didn't pay for my last pdoc visit, leaving me with the bill. Yet another for the pile. So I popped some risperdal I had stashed instead of drinking and I'm getting a little clarity on the last few weeks, and it's killing me.

I'm done. I have so much debt, so little money, a shitty job, off to a horrible start at school, and it's just too much. I have the strongest urge to give into my dark side and slip back into oblivion. Get ahold of some drugs, hit the road, and disappear for good. It's all just too much anymore. I can't tell when I'm manic, the depressions keep getting deeper, and living like this just seems like to damn much trouble.

I'm tired of meds, I'm tired of doctors, I'm tired of sounding like a damn broken record, reliving the same shit over and over again. I don't even want to call my pdoc, I want to do something completely stupid and then rub it in his face that it's his fault it happened, for pulling me off meds.

Anger

Regret

Spite

Emotions ripping me in half. I don't want to go back to the stephens unit, get over medicated and do puzzles all day. I hate the mental ward here. I hate everything at the moment. My brain is such a muddled mess, I don't know if I'm in a mixed state, manic, depressed, or all of the above all at once. I'm burning.

The little rational voice left in my head tells me to call the crisis line, go into my pdoc's office tomorrow and demand treatment. But i can't do it. I want to let myself go.

Anyway, I did quit smoking. I can now say I accomplished one good thing in my life. This post is crazy, I feel like if I stop typing I'll do something stupid. Where is my brain, where is my train of thought.

I'll stop now. I don't need any replies. I just have to vent. It's either here or it's my letter of resignation. Reading posts on this site gives me some hope or reason to hang on until tomorrow. Think positive my dad would say, at least you weren't in that hurricane. Well I feel like I have one in my head. Cat 5. I'm going to eat the rest of my risperdal and try to weather the storm I guess. Waves of anger again at my doc, waves of regret and shame over my behavior. FUCK. I'm on repeat again...

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Myevilme, I am so sorry you are going through such a living nightmare.  I know you didn't ask for advice, but....  Please print post and take it to your pdoc.  From experience I know that many times I have had pdoc appointments where I was very dissatisfied with the results and usually it was because I was unable to expresss how horrifying things had become for me.  My most successful visits are always the ones where I have taken notes, printouts, etc. that I could either refer to or read to my pdoc.  She likes that I do that and says it helps her immensely.  If you cannot get in right away, please go to emergency before you do yourself anymore damage.  You are important and have the right to be given proper care.  Please keep us posted on how you are doing.  I care, Sulu

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Listen up.  You are in crisis right now and you need help.  Get back to your pdoc immediately.  I know you're feeling like giving up but please try to hang on.  Having all of your meds yanked is killing you right now and you need to seek treatment right away.  Call someone now.  Do not suffer like this.

Karen

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I called my old RN today and she called me in some zyprexa. I'm going to go pick it up in a bit. She is going to try to get me into another pdoc, one that knows more about bipolar. Still in my own little personal hell today, but I can't call into work again so I'll just have to keep on going. I can't wait to get off work tonight and take that pill though. I need a good night's sleep. Anyway, just thought I'd update my situation. Someday I'll get things straightened out.

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Ah, Zyprexa.  Such a pretty little pill.  Hope it helps. 

If it is any solace, mixed-states don't last forever.  You will feel better.  Going to the emergency room or calling a crisis line is a good idea.  Don't try to fight by yourself.  Get help.  This too will pass. 

Keep posting.  Makes us feel less crazy if we know we aren't the only ones.

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