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Bad bad girl!

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Okay, I did a lot of whining about should I mess w/my Cymbalta and move my dose to the pm instead of am...did that last night and needed an elephant tranquilizer to put me out.  Not that I was climbing the walls, but I wasen't in dreamyland either.

I've only ever been diagnosed with Depression/Anxiety and take only Cymbalta w/a mix of xanax at night when I can't sleep.  Compared to others here I often feel like I just don't fit in, I don't belong here.  Not that I'm not MI, but that I feel like I do more whining than anything.

Most of my fears are so irrational I am almost embarassed/ashamed to verbalize them, but some are so intense I have in the past (yeh and sometimes now) feel like I'd rather die than live through it all.  Here's my biggest irrationality, I have a fear of insomnia.  I think it stems way way back from many issues, not enough nuturing, comforting, blah blah blah when I was a kid.  When I was 19 my anxiety finally got the better of me and I went into a tailspin of insomnia, was put on a horrific sleeping pill with some ridiculous therapy mixed in and almost wish I had followed through with my desire to jump out of the highest window. 

I'm not suicidal, just tired.  Tired of the same ole thing, the same ole irrational thoughts.  Am I the only one with these irrationalities?  Get these thoughts--if I can't sleep I'll be so tired I'll lose my job, won't be be able to get my kids off to school, can't go on vacation cause you know why - I won't be able to sleep, and so on and so on and until my mind is twisting and turning.  I know I'm not crazy, but I often fear I will be some day. 

See what I mean guys ;)

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oh yeah, kris, I know

went through sleep deprivation before and it did lead to an overdose  but i did get some rest out of it

so now i also wonder if i'm going to sleep enough to function

4-5 hours doesn't do it for me anymore and those hours are with sleep aids

also feel like all i do here is whine

also feel this is like a group therapy that supports me even when i do whine

and i hang on to those words of encouragement 'cause i don't have courage right now

hanging with you


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I was a nurse for 12 years..went to school full time, worked, had 3 kids and was pregnant with my fourth..didn't even drive!  ALL AT THE SAME TIME.  Not a damn thing wrong with me.  Then I started to obsess about my health.  It started from there.  My kids range from 24 to 10 now and the easier my life becomes in terms of responsibilities, the worse my anxiety has become.  I have been house bound (almost always) for the past 3 years, am pretty much usuless  in what I can accomplish because I am so anxious.  I feel like I am riding a wave most of the time.  I am very unbalanced (literally) always feel faint.  Have been tested for everything under the sun, mri's..NOTHING!!! GAD...thats it.  Meds have helped some but not with the stuff that bothers me most.  I don't know what to do.  If I didn't have kids suicide could have been an option BUT I lost my parents when i was young and I could never do thta to my kids.  I couldn't do that to anyone I know....anyway just my 10 cents worth.  Anxiety is not for sissies!

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