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I can't believe the shit people are feeling on this board.  Why does it feel like things go in cycles here?  A few weeks back everyone was going into the hospital now everyone feels like shit and wants to off themselves.  Whoever (Sulu I think)  said that one person would set off a chain reaction was totally correct.  If one of us goes, the rest would surely follow.  not that I think that is a bad idea now, I really don't.  I can't face life, other people can't face life, we are just a drain on society and our family and friends and what hope is there anyway?  Fuck the meds, they aren't long term, stuff stops working all the time and makes us sick anyway. 

I went MIA last week.  Got a gift of pot from a friend, didn't go to work for 3 days, spent too much money for a person who can barely make rent this month, sat in my apartment and watched movies and played video games.  Oh, and I chopped my hair off to a butch punk thing and dyed it blond.  Came out more like yellow.  On Monday I gave my 2 weeks at work because I just can't deal with going in.  My family has FINALLY after 8 years started to research how to support a bipole.  Got some big workbook and a 10 cassette audio thing.  Good to know they are starting to learn now that I am lower than I have been since I was diagnosed. I really am.  There was a summer before I was diagnosed that I literally sat on the couch and did nothing.  I am back there now.  Can't deal with anything, can't deal with trying to get myself better, have no hope for the future and no idea what the fuck I am going to do to fill up the next 40 years or however long I am going to live.  I took this online thing on OK Cupid to see how long I am going to live and it said 81.  I CAN'T DO THIS FOR ANOTHER 53 YEARS!  I just fucking can't.  We should all just move to an island where we can live peacefully without the fucking happy people.  And the dumbasses who decide to not only cut you off but cut across 3 lanes of traffic to cut you off.  I should wear a sign that says, don't fuck with me, I will kill you and me and not even blink. 

Did I mention I am getting my period?  Totally kill me now.  Just what I need, some physical pain and blood gushing to add to my emotional, mental, metaphysical, psychological pain.  Chocolate isn't even helping.  Quik Chek was having a sale on Entenmann's, 2 for $5.  I got chocolate covered donut holes (I thought they were the donuts, I don't like the holes dammit) and these incredibly bad for you cookies.  190 cal and like 17 grams of fat per cookie.  No joke.  So I finished the donuts and am making my way through the cookies.  Getting fatter by the second.

The guy that gave me the weed told me that I am a "Questless Samarai" and it totally fits.  Give me a cause, something to be passionate about and motivate me and I am so there.  Without a "Quest" I am a lost soul with no reason for being.  Except to piss people off and make people sad.  And killing myself would not be good.  My family couldn't deal, but what the fuck?  Where are all the people who would cry at my funeral?  Where the hell are they?  1 of my 2 friends has all but abandoned me.  My ex can't be any help at all, he is a dud.  I don't even want to ask him because I know I won't get what I need.  Hell, I didn't in the past year plus so what makes me think he will magically become super support guy when I'm not even fucking him? 

Anyone care to be my superman?  To swoop in and just tell me what to do and make me do it? It's no snall feat you know.  No wonder I call myself Supergwen, it's really sarcastic cause I can't do a fucking thing. 

Before you say it, I went to my pdoc on Monday, still waiting on the fucking lamictal (I go to 100mg tomorrow) and if that doesn't work she is going to take me off lex and put me on Cymbalta.  So that's another fucking period of change and insanity I can look forward to when she drops my lex to 10mg and adds te cymbalta slowly.  I didn't take my seroquel during the day yesterday or today to try to get my ass up off the couch, but I think that is making me more depressed.  So I guess it is back to being a zombie.  At least if I am asleep I can't hurt myself, although I can have really disturbing dreams about hs people and six flags. 

This thread title is soo accurate.  "Life sucks - kill me now"

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Anyone care to be my superman?  To swoop in and just tell me what to do and make me do it? It's no snall feat you know.  No wonder I call myself Supergwen, it's really sarcastic cause I can't do a fucking thing.

och, Gwen, from my perspective you are doing ALOT. you are posting here, taking steps with pdoc to get better, you are taking it one day at a time and doing the things that get you through! (go ahead, EAT, I'd rather be overweight than..worse. ok.)

hang in there with us!  we all won't do what our depression/bipolarness tells us. we will hang on and fight.

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Gwen, thanks for coming out of the closet along with the rest of us

for me, once I saw someone else post about how they were really feeling it enabled me to also let my guard down    get frigging tired of keeping it inside and smiling on the outside

care to join us as we inch away from the abyss? I'm almost an inch and a half away now

spike

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Anyone care to be my superman?

Hey Wende.  I would volunteer, but I don't think you would like the results.  "Crippled Superman drops rescuee while flying over building.  Rescuee dies horrible painful death as she becomes a human pancake.  Superman claims, 'I don't know what happened.  She just slipped right out of my hands.' "

You know you got the love coming your way from me.  Hope it doesn't get sidetracked on the way there.  I am actually feeling okay, so all you depressed people, feel free to dump some of your shit on me if it helps.

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i'll be your superstinky! (hehehe, for veggie tales fans ... "i'll take you to the ball barbara manatee!")

I can source dirty jokes, stupid cartoons, and other distracting weird stuff. let's revel in the perverse hilarity of life and bitch, moan, whine together.

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It totally makes me feel better that people here are dealing witht he same crap I am and not giving up. 

Stinkeister - Dirty jokes would be great.  Anyjokes.  I actually get solace from reading tales of crazy people doing stuff like putting their pants on inside out and sitting alone in an apartment eating mallomars.  (mmm, mallomars...)  Makes me feel like not so much of a freak.

Synth - I'll pass on being dropped from 50 stories.  Thanks for the offer though.  I cna tell you really care and wish you could do something personally (I think everyone on this board does - we give when we feel a little better and we take when we feel like whaleshit) 

Spike - I am planning on going skinny dipping in the abyss for a bit.  Just to see how it feels.  It is comforting to know, in a sick way, that I feel the worst I have in years, at least I know I will come back. 

SS - I am doing alot.  I think so at least.  Thankfully my one sister is looking into in- and out-patient facilities and making the calls and doing the research and stalks me when I don't call her back.  It's good to get the help but another part of me is ashamed to need it.  And my dad is realizing that what he wants to say to me (just get up and do it, don't sit around, suck it up) is NOT the right htings.  The exact opposite.  That is a coup, let me tell you.

So I will continue to find solace in other miserable people.  And former miserable people who feel an eensy bit better now.  It's just hard to get up and out of a black hole.  I'm taking my seroquel during the day again, at least to mute the painful feelings.  Fucking fish oil blows.  I suck down about 8 horse pills and I' haven't felt anything.  Maybe my cholesterol will go down at least.  So those on top of the crazymeds plus the fiber pills I take from time to time to make me poop and I feel like my belly is one big pill.  Ugh. 

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It totally makes me feel better that people here are dealing witht he same crap I am and not giving up. 

Synth - I'll pass on being dropped from 50 stories.  Thanks for the offer though.  I cna tell you really care and wish you could do something personally (I think everyone on this board does - we give when we feel a little better and we take when we feel like whaleshit) 

So I will continue to find solace in other miserable people.  And former miserable people who feel an eensy bit better now.  It's just hard to get up and out of a black hole.  I'm taking my seroquel during the day again, at least to mute the painful feelings.  Fucking fish oil blows.  I suck down about 8 horse pills and I' haven't felt anything.  Maybe my cholesterol will go down at least.  So those on top of the crazymeds plus the fiber pills I take from time to time to make me poop and I feel like my belly is one big pill.  Ugh.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well if it helps, I feel like shit today.  Same old issue that I can't seem to get past.  Not as bad as I was last time, so that is one good thing at least. 

I decided a long time ago (6 years, seems long for me) that living a selfish life was pointless for me.  If I couldn't feel like I was contributing positively to the universe and the rest of the people in it, then there wasn't much point to my existing.  I like existing, at least some of the time.  So, I do what I can to help where I can.  Most of the time I feel like I am not doing enough, but that is more my issue than anything.  Maybe I will join you for that swim in the abyss.  Maybe I will just sit on the bank and enjoy the view.  Either way, here's to hoping you have a good poop soon.

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SuperG,

I'm a great one

to be telling

anyone to reconsider suicide

since

I've been the

poster-child (Poster)

lately.

I've been asked

what bothers me

to the point of

self service death

Way back

on the Crazy Talk board

I loathed my past

hated my present

feared my future

The past

Ehhh.

it is what it is

without elaborating

most of it was not the

adrenaline driven life with gusto

but more of a garishly unfullfilled attempt

at killing myself

the present sucks

the meds

the falling apart at the seams

living with craziness

knowing it isn't going away

Bad enough

some times

;)

It's the fucking Future

pills,pills and more pills

body and mind being sick

never finding where I went

my relationships are in

danger

I may end up alone

facing years of

"here try this,but your fingernails will fall off"

having the past as a life

:)

Crazy,alone and sick

that's how I see the future

now.

Shit,Iwas feeling a little better.

Gonna go hide,Stasis

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Supergwen - sometimes life is poop. It happens. I Have been a naughty borderline cliche and abused my meds again...popping Seroquel like jelly bellies, but it's got me through with out any major SI behavior and I'm still healing up burns from last time... it probably sound silly, because I don't know any of you, but I feel much closer to all of you then I do with my family.

We know what the other person is going through. When you've been in hell you know how hot the flames are...we know how bleak the abyss is. I'm just grateful that we all have each other to encourage and support each other. Going off Paxil cold turkey and coming back on (third times a charm) Effexor has made me feel like crap, but between the seroquel and the tiny amount of Clonazepam that I'm allowing myself, I'm doing some better.

Be well and accept my whole hearted cyber hugs everybody, we can make it.

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Crazy,alone and sick

that's how I see the future

now.

Shit,Iwas feeling a little better.

Gonna go hide,Stasis

That is the way I see the future too.  I don't foresee any stranger being able to take on my shit to have access to the good stuff.  Usually I get into relationships when I am in a good place, with people who can't handle the bad place.  The good relationships involve me in a bad place and a person actually wanting to stick around.  THen I get into the good place and things pay off for them.  But putting up with the bad place is too much for me to bear and too much for others to bear for the sake of their own well being. 

Hiding is good.  At least for a little while.  I tend to feel a little better, and then keep hiding because it is easier.  But I have to remember to push myself and put myself out there.  It doesn't help that all these p[eople I work with are giving me shit about my hair.  Unwanted attention, I did it for myself, not for other's reactions.  I know I look like a bull dyke to some peole but so be it.  Not like that is a bad thing, people need to expand their perceptions a bit.  I was surprised at how many people in Seattle looked "unconventional" and still had conventional jobs and stuff. 

I have done a bunch of tarot readings for myself and it always says the same thing - lots of turmoil but success if I work hard and persevere.  It's the whole work hard & persevere thing that I have problems with.  Time and little steps are the only thing that gets me back, and even when I am back I don't feel great but at least I am more socially acceptable so people will talk to me.

I am doing whatever I can to get by.  Lots of food and sitting.  SHould do nice things for my waist line, but what SS said is true, I'd rather be fat than dead.  I'll make up for it in the long run I am sure.  Or I hope.  Or I desperately pray. 

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.  It doesn't help that all these p[eople I work with are giving me shit about my hair. 
ah well, screw them.  I've had to do the same with my wig.  I'm aware that it doesn't look real but it still looks better than bald spots. (YES IT DOES, stupid!!),---comment to a certain someone in my life.

I'll make up for it in the long run I am sure.  Or I hope.  Or I desperately pray.

there will be better days.  Today I don't feel like offing myself, I want to live. I am living proof that there can be better days.

  Keep doing whatever it takes.  I'm glad you're still at that keyboard, too.

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