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why do you get to go up before you have to go down


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I'd rather just...not go up at all. I've been up for days, and now I'm as far down as I've been in years. I remember being on lists where people made fun of those who disappeared for years and returned only when they had problems. Which isn't something I made fun of but I think I agreed then that it wasn't really fair. But here I am, doing it anyway. But at least I haven't been around here, really.

I'm in a supercrash. It's not really fair to go up up up and then have to crash down. It makes it worse. Not to mention harder to see the looming abyss in front of me. I have a ton of work this weekend, I'm hyper stressed, money's not working out at all (I make a lot of money that I have to loan to people all the time). Wounding's an option that hasn't been one for a VERY long time. My t. isn't the sort I can call whenever...I'm really lucky she can spare an hour for me once a week; it's cheap labor of a grad student and she doesn't really like to talk about bad things, but I can't afford anything else.

And I always said I wouldn't end up like my dad, but I think I'm sitting there right now. With miles to go before I sleep.

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Sorry you're feeling so rough right now.  Bipolar cycles are a bitch.  Are you on any medication? How is it working for you? Has there been anything going on in your life that has precipitated these events that you can identify?

Karen

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Thanks...

I'm not on meds. They make me really sick, most of them. Can't seem to find one that's not going to push me manic and can't do the other sort because I'm supposed to be off of them to get pregnant for awhile before I start trying. Which is not the stress, at all.

It doesn't feel like any new stresses. I think maybe just changes? I got a new job...same place, new job. Big changes. What I wanted, but...sometimes changes are not so good. I just feel really spazzy.

And I keep this hallucinating up. Feels like my head's going to fry. Sometimes it's not so bad, but recently, it's been worse and worse. Life stresses are weighing on me more than I'm used to letting them. My dad freaked and needed to borrow, down to the last penny, our savings. We had some more coming, so it was financially okayish, but I'm freaking out about it more than I'd like to admit. I have a therapist...but she's a kid, pretty much, a grad student. She's good, VERY good, and I like her better than anybody I've ever had and actually feel helped. But I don't know how good she is at dealing with some things. Like feeling suicidal or like wounding me. And my SO isn't so good at that at all (and rightly so; it's not her place). So...I feel alone as hell right now. And careening across my fence from one rotten sort of emotion to the other rotten sort. Not even sure who I am anymore.

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Hang in and check in. Sounds like you've got a clear head even if it's all messed up right now. If you know what I mean.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well, thank you :> Lots of therapy...and, I suppose, good mothering?

Does it ever END though? I keep working so hard, and what if it's all so that I can end up like my father?

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Thanks...

I'm not on meds. They make me really sick, most of them. Can't seem to find one that's not going to push me manic and can't do the other sort because I'm supposed to be off of them to get pregnant for awhile before I start trying. Which is not the stress, at all.

It doesn't feel like any new stresses. I think maybe just changes? I got a new job...same place, new job. Big changes. What I wanted, but...sometimes changes are not so good. I just feel really spazzy.

And I keep this hallucinating up. Feels like my head's going to fry. Sometimes it's not so bad, but recently, it's been worse and worse. Life stresses are weighing on me more than I'm used to letting them. My dad freaked and needed to borrow, down to the last penny, our savings. We had some more coming, so it was financially okayish, but I'm freaking out about it more than I'd like to admit. I have a therapist...but she's a kid, pretty much, a grad student. She's good, VERY good, and I like her better than anybody I've ever had and actually feel helped. But I don't know how good she is at dealing with some things. Like feeling suicidal or like wounding me. And my SO isn't so good at that at all (and rightly so; it's not her place). So...I feel alone as hell right now. And careening across my fence from one rotten sort of emotion to the other rotten sort. Not even sure who I am anymore.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It sounds to me like those are all really big stresses.  A new job ranks right up there! And parents borrowing money? That's a potentially triggering situation because in my opinion, it's a bit of a role reversal...they're supposed to be there to provide for you.  My dad has done the same with me and it ticks me off.  It's okay to be anxious about it.  Allow yourself to feel your feelings.

It sounds like you've got a decent therapist too.  Keep working with her.  Building that trusting relationship takes time.  You can do it.

Karen

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*grin* yup, I do that sometimes, too. USUALLY,  I'm up before down...but then I go up again. And sometimes I just start out up, but then go down. It's like a rollercoaster, sometimes.

Does anybody else have really, really short highs sometimes? My t. says they don't count as mania, because they're not long enough...3 days, usually, but they feel identical to the longer ones, the ones that'll last allllllll spring.

Out of curiousity, does anyone go down before they do up?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

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