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Paranoia and self destructiveness returns


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I am feeling increasingly paranoid again - it's my usual thing about ppl being after me and wanting to kill me.  I don't feel safe and I also feel like I have done something wrong, something to make ppl not like me coz I use various health msg boards and the likes whilst on the net and on one site (which shall remain annonymus) I have been putting posts on it about how bad the pain is with my periods and updating it everynight as I have been doing on the other sites I use and I have not had one reply - i feel like they have ignored even shunned me.  I mean I used to be really pally with a couple ppl who also use tht site and now I never hear from them.  What have I done??  Am I unworthy of ppls attention??  In which case there is no point in trying to meet ppl if they're just gonna ignore me.  I also have this feeling tht something is gonna go wrong with stuff I have planned for the rest of the year and I'm starting to panic coz I don't want anything to go wrong with all my concerts and my panic attacks have returned.  I have also started to sh again but I seem to be getting no release so I am finding myself looking for more extreme ways of harming (at the moment I cut using scissors)  I feel like am losing it an i don't understand y with so many thing to look forward to.

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Sorry to hear that things are getting worse for you again.

I'm sure that what's happening is not personal -- your friends are still there. Maybe something has come up for them, or they've been offline, or some such. Also, this is a holiday weekend in the US, so if your friends were posting from the US that might account for a silence.

Please, make sure that you talk to your mental health care providers about this!

Fiona

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I have been discharged from my mental health team.  They dx'd me as having chronic dysthimai but i think my symptoms point more towards schizoaffective disorder but psychs don't like ppl to dx themselves but hey I think my dx is closer to the truth of what I'm suffering.

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Yeah, I have to say I agree with you.  It doesn't sound like you're having full-out psychic dilusions, but feeling like people are out to kill you is NOT a symptom of dysthymia.  Again, I'm not a doctor, but you might need a second opinion.  Maybe a new pdoc?  Good luck!

~CS

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I'm so sorry to hear that you're in so much pain right now, and hope that you are able find some people in your real life who you feel truly understand you (including therapists, psychiatrists, etc). Sorry that my response is probably not that helpful.. This might seem random and I could be totally off- but I just was wondering the following: if you ever had your trust betrayed in the past, have been through any kind of trauma (or even something that you may feel qualifies as "trauma"-but had huge effects on you nonetheless)..?

You don't need to answer that question here if it makes you uncomfortable, and the question could be totally off... I was just thinking of it as a possibility because the kinds of fears you are describing sounds like something that some people who have been through trauma.

Regardless of your diagnosis and all of these thoughts/fears/etc, please know that you are a very valuable and precious person - that what you are going through doesn't define who you are, that you have not done anything wrong (and are in no way a bad person), and that you are cared about-even if it doesn't feel like it right now, or if people in your life are doing a shitty job as friends/supports/etc.

Best wishes- and please continue to reach out to others, especially treators during this time. Sometimes even treators can make mistakes, but it is important to at least keep them informed. Again, I can't guess on what "diagnosis" all of this would fit under- as I do not know much about you -- but I hear a lot of intense self-hatred, feelings of worthlessness, etc.. which I can relate to and think others can as well. The self-depricating thoughts are far from the reality though, and you are someone who deserves comfort, joy, and peace.

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Even when I was seeing a psych (before I got discharged) they weren't really doing me any good and over the years I have seen everybody on my team and even a private counsellor and it never did me any good I mean anti depressants made me suicidal and anti psychotics landed me in hospital coz I reacted to them (altho the drs just denied tht and put it down to a urine infection) but funny how I had the exact same reaction when i was put on a totally different one the only difference being tht bcoz i recognised tht i was going the same way i was able to get off them before i landed in hospital again.

As for trauma I grew up with an alcoholic mother and she used to hit me a lot - I used to go into school with black eyes and I'm sure she dislocated my jaw once too but even from a young age i knew my mum had an illness do I didn't report her for any of it.  I also didn't like being alone in the house with her bcoz u never knew what she was gonna be like so when I used to get dropped off at home after school I would just spend my time going round the town until I saw my dad was back then go in. 

Also nearly 2 years ago my boyfriend of nearly 4 years (who was 17) died unexpectedly.  I got a txt on my phone from his number telling me to get one of my parents to phone the number it was important and my mum then had to break it to me tht he had died.  He went to bed and his mum went to get him up in the morning and tht was him.  He was perfectly healthy apart from his disability and the post mortem couldn't reveal y he died so nearly 2 years on it's still a mystery.  Also his funeral was on my 21st birthday.

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Hi again... I am *so* sorry about what you had to go through, and also about the psychiatrists (and other "professionals") totally not getting it. I have also been misunderstood by most of the treators I have seen (and I've seen a lot!)- and believe that bad therapy can be even worse than no therapy a lot of times. I wasn't sure about your exact situation and I also didn't want to sound like I was encouraging you to not get help if you were truly in danger to yourself etc.

Again, I don't really know you, so maybe what I am saying doesn't apply to you..I am just speaking from my own experience as well as what I seen and read in others who have been through such things..

I think that the things that happened to you may be very tied in to your fears, self-hatred, and feelings about people. .. I know it is for me.

My psychiatirists have overmedicated me (though I am seeing one who understands more now and wants to take me off of them)-and I am on the atypical antipsychotic Seroquel (though I am not psychotic), among other things. Some of the medicine may be helping, but in the past some of it was just given because the p-docs simply didn't know what to do to me.

Also, many people who have been traumatized just feel retraumatized when facing the mental health system. And that feeling is totally valid..especially when they are giving you some medications that just mess things up further, don't understand you, and you feel they just see you as a patient and not a person.

Sorry that I don't have more practical advice right now.. I may think of some things later and post in this thread again. I would just encourage looking into trauma and what helps for trauma.. Many p-doc's and counselors who follow the "traditional medical model" totally miss trauma, and do not know how to effectively "treat" trauma patients.

I'm not sure if linking is allowed on this site, but if you are interested, I can give you the URL's of some other websites/ reviews of certain books that discuss this stuff.

Best wishes, and take care.

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If I want free treatment regarding my mental health (and I have tried both free and paid treament with no real improvement) I need to go bac to my drs and get re-referred to my mental health team (West Team) and I'm not really keen on tht coz I have seen every member of staff (psychologists & psychiatrists) and they just can't seem to do anything which improves my mood.  My mood in general seems to be better now I am on no meds and I'm not seeing anyone from the West Team.

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