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Hello.  I don't think I have ever posted here before.

I feel afraid.  Fear is ruling my life.  It pretty much always has.  I will be 29 soon.  I have very, very little to show for my years.  I am truly a loser.  I used to be thought of as highly intelligent, and for years I said to myself & others that I hoped someday to be stupid.  That day has finally come, and I am really, really frightened.  I finally fried my brain.  I don't know if it was drugs/alcohol (including psychiatric drugs) that finished me off, or overdosing on the internet.  I don't know if I have the power to snap out of this before it hurts the people around me.  Ah, forget that.  I know in my heart that I already have hurt numerous people in the past few weeks.

I don't know if bipolar is the correct diagnosis for me.  I have a definite substance abuse problem.  I have not used alcohol in over a year, which is a big accomplishment.  I haven't replaced it with anything else, either.  I think the issue for me is more about trusting medications than it is about avoiding them.  Trusting myself around them, and trusting them to work, and trusting medical professionals.

My diagnoses began slightly before I ever used drugs/alcohol.  Other than bipolar disorder, I have also been diagnosed with depression (dysthymia, I think), schizoaffective disorder, migraines, and GI problems.  I am posting this now because I cannot sleep.  It's been longer than 2 days since I have slept properly.  The last time this monstrous insomnia occurred, it lasted for a really long time. 

I've been in different kinds of inpatient treatment programs.  I usually have very good interpersonal experiences in mental hospitals -- which manage to convince me that I am OK after all.  Other than that, I hate mental hospitals.

I have extremely, extremely poor interpersonal skills.  They are getting worse.  I invited a family friend to my house to borrow books, a few weeks ago.  As a general, open-ended kind of thing.  I thought this would be a good social endeavor for me.  An opportunity to connect with someone outside of awful, confusing group dynamics.

That was the original idea.  Then.  I don't know what happened.  I thought about it too much.  She came yesterday, and we had a ... failure to communicate.

It's possible that she was disturbed by my emails for some reason.  I am too long-winded for most people.  Often, even I have no idea what the hell I am talking about.

Another possibility is that other family members told this person everything they knew about me.  A lot of my past/background is very depressing, on its face.  Whether I'm OK with my past or not, it doesn't matter to most people.  A third (and more likely) possibility is that she got nagged to come over here and plunder my book collection.  There are many reasons why this didn't work.

I am aware that there was NO WAY this encounter was going to be a good one, due to my own preconceived ideas.  And it wasn't.  And I'm really fed up with social interaction in general.  I try so hard NOT to be cynical.  I try so hard NOT to be stupid.  But I can't accept myself for who I really am.  I don't like the person I've become.

(Jeez.  I struggled over choosing a username, but it wasn't the nickname talk or the suicide talk.  I think it was the ... confusion talk. ;) )

-

Please be reasonably nice to me, or just ignore me.  That's all.  This post has been rewritten and reworked numerous times, until I gave up on having it make any sense.  Thank you for reading.

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Hmmmm... fried-brain syndrome, this I know.  A common symptom of runaway bp.  Especially with added substance abuse.  (which is why I'm glad I never wenr past the alcohol)  Really, though, I doubt the psychiatric drugs are to blame, unless you had anti-depressants that shoved you into manic episodes.  Yeh, THAT'LL do the trick...

The hurting of those you care for, well...believe you *me*, that's par for the course 'round here.  We all are DAMN good at that!  We're also good at pissing our lives away... hell, I'm 29 myself and should have MUCH more than I do.  Well, OK, I have a lot of debt and a nice criminal record, but other than that...

Abyway, about the docs and the meds--all I can say is, if the symptoms fit, and you're miserable the wau you are, really, the meds could be the best thing to ever happen for you, when you get the right ones.  (it may take a few tries, we've all been there)  It did for me--a year ago, I was batshit crazy, and stuck in the bottom of a bottle.  Now?  Hell, I'm reasonably sane, functional, and getting on with life.

Welcome to CrazyBoards, and glad you found us!

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Let me add my welcome and just add that you fit right in here...so don't feel like anything but yourself.  Whatever that may be at the time.  I've come here up, down, down down, up up, down/up...etc.etc. 

So, suffer along with us..(to quote Supergwen)

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Hey Talk,

Yeah, welcome aboard.  I'm ten years older than you, and I have *nothing* to show for it.  I went over 15 years unmedicated, and other than the substance abuse, I can say that I've walked in your shoes.  You don't need to be at the bottom of the bottle or flying high on a pill to hurt your loved ones with this disorder.  Nope, BP can do that all by itself.

As CNS said, getting on the right meds and finding a good doc can probably be the best thing for you. Worked for me.  I'm on the right meds now, and finally - at 39 - I'm getting my life turned around. 

I hope that you find the support you need here. These boards have helped me in the past.

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TNT, (fitting name for MI peeps)

Welcome to a place where you write about all your faults and craziness and people will identify and sympathize and love you for it.  I don't know if it will help telling you that I don't have many friends or that I am 28 and gave my 2 weeks at a job because of a manic fit when I just didn't go to work, or have been in more failed realtionships tha I knew were doomed but I didn it anyway, or that I have gained 40 lbs in the last 2 years, 20 of which in the last 2 months, or have been on more meds than I can count and feel hopeless and worthless..  I could go on but I shan't.  Point is.  You have found a place to unload your burdons and people will care.  And you will listen to other people and maybe gain some insight into your own life. 

And I trust my docs, but I also do a bunch of research on crazymeds.us or here, and trust myself and my own feelings as well.  It takes personal work in addition to trust to get better.  Sucks.  I personally hate work in any form and get tired just thinking about my full time job, which is trying to get back on course. 

Anyway, welcome.  Post often, tell us what you are feeling, I'll show you mine if you show me yours. 

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